It sounds like a router problem or something.
Took 3 weeks to fix what could have been fixed by a proper complete swap of hardware in the course of the first day of diagnostics... I was such a n00b.
Now the first thing I think when a bad part is replaced and still doesn't work is, "them cocksuckers sent me a half-assed refurb part..."
No amount of education can prepare one for moments like these.