How to handle this situation

JJR512

JJR512

New Member
I'm a member at another message board (not a general topic one, this one is dedicated to a specific topic). A female member there has noticed that we both live in the same general area, are going (or intend to go) to the same school, and are both interested in some of the same things. She has contacted me on AIM and struck up a conversation with me. She is very nice and friendly.

Those of you who know me probably know that I can be pretty dense at reading between the lines. I can't tell if she's just trying to make friends with people who live in her area, or if she's trying to find something more than that.

I mentioned that since we'll probably be taking classes on the same campus on the same days, that from time to time we could get together for lunch, "since we'll be in the same place at the same time" (my words to her). She said that would be cool.

I'm married and I have children. I don't really want to be a cheater. This girl is cute. I wouldn't mind meeting her in person, hanging out and being friends, but I wouldn't want it to be more than that. As far as I know, she doesn't know yet that I'm married with children. I don't know if I should just mention it to her, because if all she's truly trying to do is meet friends, it would be weird if she gets the impression I'm telling her I'm "off limits".

I'm also not sure what, if anything, I should mention about this to my wife. She can be jealous of pretty girls, but at the same time she has some close "guy friends" that she hangs out with from time to time, sometimes without me. I trust her enough (and him) not to worry, and it's not really fair for her to be upset if I have a friend who happens to be a cute girl, but such is life.
 
In case my questions weren't clear:

1. Should I ask her straight up what she's looking for? -OR...
2. Should I tell her straight out that I'm "off limits" to more than just being friends? -OR...
3. Should I just let things unfold as they do and only put up the red flag if and when needed?
4. What, if anything, should I tell my wife?
 
I do think a mention of being married would be in order... maybe you can work it in smoothly to not be so obvious... like, if your son gets an award at school or something.
 
in my opinion, the right way to handle this situation is to ease into conversation the fact that you have a wife and kids. like, "oh! that reminds me of something my wife said" or "hold on, my wife needs to talk to me" or "my kids need me" or something.
if she's looking for "something", she'll probably back off really strongly... i've had people not even speak to me anymore after i pulled this maneouver :-?
but if she's not, there shouldn't be an issue.

it's not a good idea to say "well, i'm married, so if you were interested, i'm sorry, that's not going to work"... because i've pulled that maneouver too, and that can be met with a curt "well, don't flatter yourself, it's just lunch/coffee" kind of comment.

i would adress it to dawn just as i would for any other new friend, male or female.
 
JJR512 said:
I don't really want to be a cheater.
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Um, then don't. Is it really all that hard to say "no" when the situation demands it? I spent 10 years on the road, often sleeping in strange towns and strange beds. Often, the customer would recognize that I had a lonely evening ahead of me and would spend a couple of hours either eating a meal or having a few drinks. More than once an offer of a warm bed was offered. I still slept alone, once even in the back of my truck between cartons of computer parts.
 
1. Being up front is usually best in such situations. As mentioned, you can be tactful about it.
2. Doesn't sound to me like you're so sure you are "off limits." Unlikely to matter though, when she finds out you're married she'll probably consider you so.
3. See 1 and 2.
4. Not telling your wife makes it look like you're trying to get away with something whether or not you are. Of course she'll be jealous and of course it's not fair. You're not really surprised are you?
 
Tell her straight up. Tact is nice, but not necessary. In fact, the only person you really need to be tactful with, in this case, is your wife. After all...you live with her. ;)
 
JJR512 said:
I'm married and I have children. I don't really want to be a cheater. This girl is cute. I wouldn't mind meeting her in person, hanging out and being friends, but I wouldn't want it to be more than that. As far as I know, she doesn't know yet that I'm married with children. I don't know if I should just mention it to her, because if all she's truly trying to do is meet friends, it would be weird if she gets the impression I'm telling her I'm "off limits".

I'm also not sure what, if anything, I should mention about this to my wife. She can be jealous of pretty girls, but at the same time she has some close "guy friends" that she hangs out with from time to time, sometimes without me. I trust her enough (and him) not to worry, and it's not really fair for her to be upset if I have a friend who happens to be a cute girl, but such is life.
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You should not be talking to this girl at all if

a) she doesn't know you're married

b) your wife doesn't know about it.

And "I don't REALLY want to be a cheater" means "I want to be a cheater, and not get caught.


seriously, your sister posts here, are you TRYING to get caught, looking for the easy out?

yeah I am harsh.
 
paul_valaru said:
And "I don't REALLY want to be a cheater" means "I want to be a cheater, and not get caught.
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Glad I'm not the only one that noticed that. I just didn't want to say it and get a generous helping of "Only I know what I meant, regardless of what you may have read into it."
 
Putting yourself in a situation where later you can claim "Opps, it just happened" is never an accident.

Let her know your married & faithful (tactfully of course) & avoid one on one situations. Then, it can never "just happen'.

That whole forsake all others things is really a pain in the ass.
 
I'd tell my wife about it !!!
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and then
stewie3.gif
 
Echoing some earlier statements...

If your wife is the jealous type, then I'd say you've already passed the point of bowing out gracefully. Tell the cutie as suggested above that you are married, see if she wants to just be pals by her actions, accept those for what they are, and don't keep it from your wife. You don't have to do a full blown hang-dog confessional, because you haven't done anything wrong yet. If it's possible to tactfully tell cutie your circumstances, then it is also possible to tactfully tell your wife, who I assume you know much better. She ain't got to know how cute the girl is, just that she exists and that the potential speedbump was averted.
 
paul_valaru said:
And "I don't REALLY want to be a cheater" means "I want to be a cheater, and not get caught.


seriously, your sister posts here, are you TRYING to get caught, looking for the easy out?
Click to expand...
Inkara1 said:
Glad I'm not the only one that noticed that. I just didn't want to say it and get a generous helping of "Only I know what I meant, regardless of what you may have read into it."
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*sigh* You know me so well. That is exactly what I would say, and I say it now. But help me out: Please tell me what to say so that everyone else will know that what I meant was "I don't really want to be a cheater"?

I know my sister visits here. If there is something I don't want her to know about, I wouldn't post it here. So far, I haven't done anything wrong, and I don't mind that she knows about this.

What I posted about in the original post was going on while I was posting about it. My wife was at work, and it is not easy to get ahold of her at work. I didn't really plan to keep this a secret from her; it just wasn't possible to tell her about it then.

For the record, later in our conversation I did mention something my older son was doing (playing Guitar Here lousily), and it didn't seem to change anything. We continued to talk for a while after that, and it seemed the same to me (although, as I've said, I can be quite dense at recognizing subtleties). So, I think I was probably just being paranoid, and she was just trying to meet new people and make friends.
 
SnP, JJR's wife is a paragon of patience with his failings. I've personally nominated the poor woman for sainthood.

JJR521 said:
*sigh* You know me so well.
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Actually, Paul and SnP hardly know you at all compared to Inky, Gonz and I. That they caught on so fast should emphasize just how transparent your attempt was.
 
For the record I'll add my voice.I meet and talk to plenty of women my wife never hears about,I meet and talk to plenty of men too and I can't see why I need to tell her about either gender :confused:The only time I would tell my wife is if I were to be meeting a previous girlfriend for coffee,but I can't see why I would ever do the coffee thing in the first place.The cute chick definitely needs to know your married ,so she knows its just a friend/"common interests" thing and no more.
 
Professur said:
SnP, JJR's wife is a paragon of patience with his failings. I've personally nominated the poor woman for sainthood.



Actually, Paul and SnP hardly know you at all compared to Inky, Gonz and I. That they caught on so fast should emphasize just how transparent your attempt was.
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See I don't know the they guy at all ,so if he has a propensity to cheat ,this whole conversation is moot .A cheater will always cheat, its their nature,not the spouses fault and will do it regardless if the spouse knows about it or not.Remember they are cheating on THEIR "vows" irregardless if the spouse/SO is a Bitch/cheater or a Saint/innocent.
 
Wait! Stop! My comment "You know me so well" was directed to Inkara1, who does know me that well. I included the other comment to put Inkara1's quoted comment in context. For the record, I do not have a propensity to cheat. I have never cheated; I've only ever been with one woman, I'd like to keep it that way, I'm happy with it being that way.
 
I should hope so. But regardless of who the comment was directed at, it's still true. Even posting this speaks volumes.
 
A.B.Normal said:
For the record I'll add my voice.I meet and talk to plenty of women my wife never hears about,I meet and talk to plenty of men too and I can't see why I need to tell her about either gender :confused:The only time I would tell my wife is if I were to be meeting a previous girlfriend for coffee,but I can't see why I would ever do the coffee thing in the first place.The cute chick definitely needs to know your married ,so she knows its just a friend/"common interests" thing and no more.
Click to expand...

My point is, if you actually have to question "Is this right?" then it is wrong.
 
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