I just want to do the right thing...

Spirit

Spirit

Kissy Goddess
Boy could I use some advice. Not too sure how to present this, so if it lacks in coherency, try to fit it together J

I FINALLY separated just over a year ago. (We were sexually and mentally apart for a few years…). I met a guy and now, one year later, he is living with me along with his 2 kids. He has a 5 yr old girl and an 8 yr old boy. Now, she had an affair on him, which devastated him, but she continued to live in the house with him for 2 yrs while carrying on the affair, for the sake of the kids. Finally, he said – time for you to go. So she moved in to a place close by so she’d be able to go to work, then go to the house and be there for the kids after school and tuck them in bed and then she’d go home. This went on for a year.

Now he lives with me. The little girl is having a tough time now and then, missing Mom and stuff. Well, Mom takes the kids 2 times a week for a couple of hours and then every other weekend. I feel so bad for the little girl when she misses her Mom.

Problem: when they first moved in with me and my boys, I said it would be ok if she came in and tucked them in to bed for a couple of weeks, then she’d have to back off. It’s my house, after all. Last night – 3 months later - (along with every other time she drops them off) she came in and tucked the kids in to bed and sang to them.

A part of me says “well, the kids miss their Mom… it’s good for them” and another part says “This probably confuses the shit out of the kids and it’s annoys the hell out of me to have my boyfriends EX in MY house singing to her kids.”

I have many issues against her being in my house, but by the same token, I want what will make the kids happy in the long run. I don’t have ANY jealousy issues as far as her and my boyfriend, so that’s not a factor.

Ultimately, I want what’s best for the kids. None of this is their fault so they shouldn’t have to suffer in any way. If I have to make sacrifices that are difficult, then so be it. But when is it ok to say “that’s enough… that’s as far as I can go”?

SHE’S the one who decided to have an affair and not stop.
SHE’S the one who moved out, to carry on the relationship, and leave the kids with their Dad.

I just want to do the right thing.
 
She needs to stop coming in to your house. It may be hard on the kids but I'm sure what's going on now is pretty confusing too. What does your boyfriend think about this? He is really the one that needs to handle this issue, not you.
 
What's their Dad have to say on the issue? Other than fooling around on her spouse, does she have other issues (drug use, criminal history, etc) that would make you not want to let her in?

I'm leaning towards letting the mother continue this, but I know for certain that I'm missing pieces of the puzzle.

Kudos, BTW for this:

Ultimately, I want what’s best for the kids. None of this is their fault so they shouldn’t have to suffer in any way. If I have to make sacrifices that are difficult, then so be it.
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You'd be amazed how many times that goes unthought of.
 
how about a disignated mommy-tuck-in-night? that way she could come and do it still but not be a permanent fixture in your house.
you're right...the blame for the affair and the subsequent moving out is all on her...but the inner workings of a relationship (and what ruins relationships) is a very personal thing. she may have been miserable with her ex husband but still trying to keep it together for the children but still wanting some happiness for herself - not that i am justifying it by any stretch of the imagination.
i think that you are going above and beyond what is to be expected of "the new woman". i should think she would understand if you asked her to tone it back a bit.
does she not have a place where the kids could spend the night instead of her coming to your place?
 
PuterTutor said:
She needs to stop coming in to your house. It may be hard on the kids but I'm sure what's going on now is pretty confusing too. What does your boyfriend think about this? He is really the one that needs to handle this issue, not you.
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She has some major self-esteem issues. No drug history, likes to go out with her friends and get drunk from time to time. She loves her kids and is very good to them. I don’t begrudge her that at all. The thing is, she made some horrible choices and now she suffers the consequence of those choices, but I can’t help but still feel sympathetic towards her. I mean, we all must be responsible for every action we take, but it’s nice to have people in your life that allow for slip-ups and still have compassion for you when you do.

As for my boyfriend – well, he has cut it down from every single night to 2 times a week. He is still treading lightly as the divorce/custody papers are not final and he doesn’t want to piss her off. He loves those kids so deeply. It would destroy him if he lost them.

She now lives close by (5 mins away) with her boyfriend and the kids stay with her every other weekend. The boy HATES going over there so it’s always a HUGE scene when it’s time for him to go. But that’s only because my son and him are best buddies – who wouldn’t wanna hang with their best buddy instead of go to their other parents and watch TV all weekend? J
 
Well, since the divorce isn't final you're doing the right thing. One of the main things judges look at is who is most likely to maintain contact with the other parent. He's obviously providing that. I would set some ground rules though. No unannounced visits, predetermined days, etc....
 
Oh, yeah. Ground rules are essential, and well within your rights. As you say, it's your house.

OTOH, if she's a good mother, don't cut off that level of contact. The kids will pay the price, and that means you will, too, further down the line.
 
Spirit said:
As for my boyfriend – well, he has cut it down from every single night to 2 times a week. He is still treading lightly as the divorce/custody papers are not final and he doesn’t want to piss her off. He loves those kids so deeply. It would destroy him if he lost them.
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It sounds like he knows what will work.
He's doing what I was going to suggest, after I read Tonkys post. (which I agree partly with)
It's one of those things that you kinda have to play by hear, so to speak.
Keep a close eye on how it may be affecting the kids and adjust accordingly, but slowly.
 
I wonder if the Judge will take into account your relationship to the kids as well. It seems like although they are confused they have taken well to you. Also is she an alcoholic? Or does she drink once in a while?
 
alex said:
Would it be possible to let your son go with him?
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Both boys were crying thier eyes out, once, and so I suggested that and I could see she didn't really want to so I didn't persue it further because I didn't want the kids (especially mine) feel unwanted.

tonksy said:
how about a disignated mommy-tuck-in-night? that way she could come and do it still but not be a permanent fixture in your house.
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I think that's what I am going to suggest to Ian tonight - we need to make it consistent for MY boys sake, too.

HomeLAN said:
if she's a good mother, don't cut off that level of contact.
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And that's where I am going to have to learn/excercise patience and tolerance - sometimes that's tough!!

catocom said:
Keep a close eye on how it may be affecting the kids and adjust accordingly, but slowly.
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Very good point, also, and something I am trying to balance along with everything else.

freako104 said:
I wonder if the Judge will take into account your relationship to the kids as well. It seems like although they are confused they have taken well to you. Also is she an alcoholic? Or does she drink once in a while?
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She's not an alcoholic - just a social partyer(sp??) once in a while. Ya - the kids love me - but I don't have to discipline them so of course they love me :) Ian and I agreed that we discipline our own kids unless it's one of those kinds of incidences where the other isn't there and action needs to be taken.

--- Thanks, Leslie :)

Thanks for your support, folks, I appreciate it :)
 
i've never experienced that kind of situation, and it would be easy for me to sit here and tell you to draw the line and not let her tuck her kids in at your house.

she lost that right to have that bedtime ritual with her kids when she decided to have an affair and leave her kids. she can tuck them in when they're with her.
 
tough call... everyone's different... i have three boys (2, 6, 10)... the oldest is from a previous marriage, but he was only 1.5 when i got together with my now-wife... and her ex settled in with another woman right away, and they had two children of their own... so, to my oldest, it's all normal for him to be jumping around... and we're all good friends too... no bad blood or habits on either side... so that helped a lot

that said, i think we stopped 'tucking the kids in' sometime around 3.5 to 4... i wonder if it is something that means a lot more to the ex-girlfriend than the kids?

i'm all for attention and support for my kids... but i've seen a few friends who i think go a bit too far... especially where separations are involved... they get worried that they're losing something by not being there all the time

either way, you sound like you're really paying attention to it and caring about it, which is very cool... gradual, well-planned change usually works the best, when possible

i'm sure it'll work out in time :)
 
Kick him out & tell him to care for his kids. Nothing else in his life should matter. Their mother & their father either need to divorce or commit to one anoher. That will never happen with either of them getting some elsewhere. First they must handle thier life, to the end before they can carry on.
 
Gonz said:
Kick him out & tell him to care for his kids. Nothing else in his life should matter. Their mother & their father either need to divorce or commit to one anoher. That will never happen with either of them getting some elsewhere. First they must handle thier life, to the end before they can carry on.
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Spirit said:
He is still treading lightly as the divorce/custody papers are not final and he doesn’t want to piss her off.
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Sometimes it really does help to read the posts, Gonz.
 
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