Is this "acceptable"...

ClaireBear

ClaireBear

Banned
To cut a long story short...

Many of you may be aware I was once (many moons ago) a heavily involved member of the Rock scene... I dressed the part, lived the life and took the drugs.

A new club has opened and we thought we'd go for "old times sake." It was great... like stepping back in time and even though I was offered a chemical help for the evening I refused point blank (I'm chuffed about that btw!)

The problem is my ex was there... the guy who's slightly mentally unstable and who I was seriously involved with... we have a huuuge past... but not only was he there but Adrian (my current bloke) was too... On leaving the club Adrian "caught me" (not that I was trying to hide it) texting my ex (we have kept in touch swapping gossip and stuff over the years) to let him know I was leaving and that I was sorry I didn't get to speak to him. :shrug:

Well... Adrian thinks its best that I never contact or keep contact with him any longer... he sees my past as a "problem" and that I should move on and has said repeatedly that "I need to show [him] that I love him" by telling my ex where to go... after a huuuuge slagging match I agreed. After I got a text from my ex on Sunday Adrian dictated a text to send him back ending contact and... I'm sorry to say... I sent it... I just want to know if other people think that this is acceptable or not.

I love Adrian dearly and never want to lose him but I dunno... maybe I should have stood my ground.
 
:winkkiss: I think you did the right thing CB. First, you confronted your past yourself, by going to the club and turning down something that WAS your past, and showed you've grown (turning down the drugs). Second, you had memories of "X" and you wanted to say hello and etc, etc....
If you really love your guy, your heart will tell you what to do, Personally, I think you did good.
As for the letter, if that made him feel secure than so be it...
 
Inkara1 said:
Is he this controlling with your other friends too?
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I don't actually have any other friends...

He's okay with my sister... although he's not too keen on me going out with her and her friend, (who's a serial footballer shagger) but then neither am I... (had half the newcastle team allegedly!) She's a sweet mixed up kid though really.
 
Mare said:
:winkkiss: I think you did the right thing CB. First, you confronted your past yourself, by going to the club and turning down something that WAS your past, and showed you've grown (turning down the drugs). Second, you had memories of "X" and you wanted to say hello and etc, etc....
If you really love your guy, your heart will tell you what to do, Personally, I think you did good.
As for the letter, if that made him feel secure than so be it...
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Thanks Mare..

Thats how I see it... really if I feel I have moved on (which I have!) this is something I should have done years ago...

I guess for Ade the text message makes it final... he says its not that he doesn't trust my word its just that he knows that if my ex were to contact me I'd feel obliged out of politeness to respond... this text should stop that from happening. :shrug:
 
Dictating whom you may speak with is akin to a parent talking down to a young child and unacceptable unless you are afforded the very same veto powers in his old contacts. Pulling the 'show you love me' strings is either a symptom of insecurity or a badgering control gambit and is quite unacceptable. To do so is in bad taste and it reflective of either jealousy or a lack of trust in you... unless he and the 'ex' have old issues and want each other dead. Then its different.
 
Everyone does the "if you really loved me" line though... surely! Its just with blokes... thay actually use the line! Us ladies are generally more subtle... but not always. :p

They don't "hate" each other.. they have never "met" but Adrian knows about my past and the part my ex had to play in what was in reality a complete breakdown and downfall on my part so... he definitely has a problem with him for that. :shrug:

And with the whole "tit for tat" situation... He found out I wasn't happy about his ex calling him and crying down the phone to him about taking her back and he changed phones with a fortnight! I didn't realise that was why he changed his number until later.
 
ClaireBear said:
Everyone does the "if you really loved me" line though... surely! Its just with blokes... thay actually use the line! Us ladies are generally more subtle... but not always. :p

They don't "hate" each other.. they have never "met" but Adrian knows about my past and the part my ex had to play in what was in reality a complete breakdown and downfall on my part so... he definitely has a problem with him for that. :shrug:
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everyone does not use that line.

you are an individual involved in a relationship and as an individual you have the right to speak to whomever you see fit. any adult should be able to speak to a member of the opposite sex without breaking any trust of their partner. if you can't handle that then you have issues but i think you can. i wonder what your adrian is afraid of.
 
unclehobart said:
I'm 35 and have never used the 'If you love me' gambit.
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Never?

Then you must be very secure within your relationships...

Personally I can never see just what it is that enchants the men I'm with and so I'm insecure... I have never personally used the "If you love me" trick but I can see how it could be tempting....
 
It might be insecurity on his own part... or it might be him playing on your insecurities to get what he wants.
 
tonksy said:
everyone does not use that line.

you are an individual involved in a relationship and as an individual you have the right to speak to whomever you see fit. any adult should be able to speak to a member of the opposite sex without breaking any trust of their partner. if you can't handle that then you have issues but i think you can. i wonder what your adrian is afraid of.
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Adrian is worried that I'll end up back where I started...

Drugged up and washed up... living in a bad area of town... with a man 14 years my senior with a torrent past and numerous problems.

They are two very different people. My ex reflects who I was then... and I have to admit I still find him attractive.. but in a "remember when" way... I believe my face may have betrayed that fact :blush:

Adrian reflects me now... clean and straight cut.. going to the best bars and restaurants in the town... looking ahead to a real future. I love him as he's helped me get to that point, he's my best friend, my confident and lover. I never really truly loved my ex.
 
Still, If you've been in constant contact with him all along with the little notes and IM'ing and whatnot and not gone running back to the old spiders web, you should be trusted to maintain your own affairs until such time as you outright do something silly.
 
Inkara1 said:
or it might be him playing on your insecurities to get what he wants.
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Yep. Not "acceptable" in the slightest. Rob and Tonksy and Inkara have all nailed it. It's one thing for him to offer advice, it's entirely another to play games to ensure you follow it.
 
Leslie said:
Yep. Not "acceptable" in the slightest. Rob and Tonksy and Inkara have all nailed it. It's one thing for him to offer advice, it's entirely another to play games.
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You think...

I guess it could be construed as "mind games"... but I don't think thats his intention... he truly thinks that my continued contact with that scene may cause problems for me as an individual as well as in terms of our relationship.

I did it though... I sent the text message (sms cell phone message)... I did as he asked me to. I guess that shows more about me as a person rather than him... ready to please. :shrug:
 
Whatever happened to trust? There's 2 things wrong with this picture.

1. Him not trusting you to avoid your past, even though you've been doing it since you met him. Could be because he changed his number so that his ex could no longer contact him, and upset you, and could be just that he is a bit insecure. He's definitely jealous, and jealous ain't cute. Dangerous, but not cute.

2. The fact that he's using what he did with his ex to dictate to you what you should do with yours. Seems to me that he does love you, but this attempt to control your outside life is just a bit too much.
 
It shows that, and the fact that he knew what would get him what he wanted and used it.

I see warning flags all over your responses here, Claire. I'd suggest it's time to have a reassessment of your insecurity and how you're gonna get over it before you move into something serious.
 
Gato_Solo said:
Whatever happened to trust?
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I think trust was late for class on Saturday... :lol2:

In fact since he quizzed me last week about my previous relationships, in all innocence one of those sharing caring moments... and I was all too honest... a lot of my relationships have "overlapped"... like kinda... well... two timing :blush: trust been kinda fighting complete absence!

There's 2 things wrong with this picture.

1. Him not trusting you to avoid your past, even though you've been doing it since you met him. Could be because he changed his number so that his ex could no longer contact him, and upset you, and could be just that he is a bit insecure. He's definitely jealous, and jealous ain't cute. Dangerous, but not cute.
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We're both insecure... I guess he sees me keeping in contact slightly suspect after he willingly gave up all contact with "Psycho Bitch From Hell"... I mean... his ex, without me even mentioning how much it upset me. And its not like all of these sms text messages on me mobile phone are innocent either... many are late night, some sexual, all drunken and laced with emotional blackmail.

2. The fact that he's using what he did with his ex to dictate to you what you should do with yours. Seems to me that he does love you, but this attempt to control your outside life is just a bit too much.
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I think whats more off is the fact that I'm very happy to let him continue in his attempt to "control my outside life"... Not that I have much of a life to control!
 
Leslie said:
I see warning flags all over your responses here, Claire. I'd suggest it's time to have a reassessment of your insecurity and how you're gonna get over it before you move into something serious.
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Yeah Les... I think that may be the bigger issue... I guess I know that what happened wasn't really right and a lot of other people would have told Adrian to shove it where the sun don't shine... but Adrian knows me and he knows me well... (too well)

In reality I needed someone to tell me it'd be okay to ignore my ex... and that the thoughts that his emotional needs and welfare are anything to do with me after almost 18 months apart are unecessary. I should be able to make decisions like that myself... but I've made so many bad choices and decisions in the past often I need to be steered in the right direction.
 
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