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Justintime

Justintime

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Ask any man what a womans ulimate fantasy is and he will tell you that it is to have two men at the same time,what he does not realise is that in the fantasy one is cooking and the other is cleaning.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door which do you let in first?
The dog of course.He´ll shut up as soon as you let him in.


Two guys enter a toilet in a restaurant together.One in Army uniform and one in Navy uniform.They both take a leak and the Navy guy starts to walk out of the toilet when the Army guy says"In the army they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss."
"Well in the navy they teach us not to piss on our hands"
 
A 17 year old came home from college one day and tell her mother she has missed her periods for two months.The mother very worried dashes out to the chemist to buy a pregnancy kit.The test results shows her pregnant.
Shouting,cursing,crying the mother says"Who was the bastard that did this to you?I want to know right now."
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call,half an hour later a brand new Ferrari pulls up out side the house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair,dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of the car and enters the house.He sits in the living room with the father,mother and the girl.
"Good morning,your daughter has informed me of the problem,but I am unable to marry her due to my personal family situation,but I will accept responibily. If a girl is born I will bequeath her two shops,a hotel and deposit 10million into her bank account.If a boy is born my legacy will be 2 factories and 50 million in a bank account.If twins are born the whole of my business and 100 million in a bank account.
How ever if she has a miscarrage.." At this point the father who has remaind silent all this time places a hand on the man´s shoulder and says. " If she has a miscarrage we would like you to fuck her again"
 
"There's only one way to hang on to your youth," said one ageing nymphomaniac to another.
"lock him in the bedroom."
 
A 13 year old student is sent home from school for having sex with the english teacher,his mother busts into tears and sends him up to bed untill his father comes home to deal with him.When the farther gets home from work his wife is still upset,"I´m so ashamed what will the folks on the street say,you go upstairs right this minute and teach him a lesson he won´t forget" The father goes up to the boys bedroom and closes the door after him,"Good boy son, I´m so proud of you,God,having sex with the English teacher and only 13 years old,I never got to do that,tomorrow morning first thing I´m going down to the bike shop and buy you that racing saddle for you bike that you have been after me for for the last six months."
"Gee dad that great,don´t forget it´s that realy narrow one,but I don´t think I can ride my bike for a couple of weeks,my arse is too sore."
 
It has been studied and determined that the most often used Sexual position for married ..................... is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs... And the wife rolls over and plays dead.
 
A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
 
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
 
A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.
That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother. "I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute."
 
Stan married a gorgeous girl. She had an identical
twin. Less then a year later he was
in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a
divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Stan started, "every
once in a while my sister-in-law would come
over for a visit, and because she and my wife
are identical, sometimes I'd end up making
love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference
between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"
 
Horse Back Rider


A blonde decides to try horseback riding,
even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience. She mounts the
horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle. In terror,
she tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider. Finally,
giving up her grip, she leaps
away from the horse to try and throw
herself to safety. Unfortunately,
her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup and she is now at the mercy of
the horse's pounding hooves as her head
is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground,
she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when......

The manager runs out to shut off the horse!
 
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of
the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several
false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was
another and stayed put. He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered
up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his
arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his
feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
security guard who had watched the whole incident
walked up and asked "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I just beat the sh*t out
of a ghost!"
 
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