Lover to friend???

Nixy

Nixy

Elimi-nistrator
Staff member
Do you think it is possible for someone who you were VERY close to as a lover can become a very close platonic friend or will that not work?

This guy was mt bf for 2.5 months. We broke up, a month later we started hanging out again and quickly became lovers again but not a couple. Although it was basically like bf and gf without the commitment. That lasted for about 1.5 months or some btw...Anyway, do you think it is possible to keep the extreme closeness and bonds that we feel without having the sexual stuff included?

He has decided that for my sake we should stop all the sexual stuff. He wants to sleep with this other girl and while it woudl be a one night stand he doesn't want to do it while we are sleeping together despite the fact that we are uncommited and i have told him more that one that I would deal with it and be OK in the end. I won't get into the long story of why we were uncommited but basically he has a commitment phobia and he has been hurt before and refuses to be hurt again and thus does now posess the ability ot love. We won't get into how I feel about him making decissions and telling me that they are fo rmy own good because it irks me greatly.

Anyway, I reallt don't want to lose the closeness and neither does he. Do you think it's possible for it to work?
 
I've done that...But it takes time to reach that point. There seems to be a natural flow of emotions that you need to go through to get there. Anger, hate, distrust, anger again, and sooner or later it all becomes much clearer. Then you start appreciating the good moments and memories that you're left with. Then you can be friends...as long as you keep it platonic.
 
See, we were friends for a short while and we could have stayed that way but then it became none platonic and I ended up where I am now.

The anger I have felt, the hate I have felt (last night told him I don't ever wanan talk to him EVER again), I think i am at distrust. I am doubting whether he is gonna still be open and honest with me. I keep wondering if he's gonna start keeping stuff from me.
 
Well if your thoughts run on those lines, you certainly aren't ready yet for it to become a meaningful friendship. Give it time... :hug:
 
Well, the onyl thing I worry about is if he will try to keep it secret when he is with other's to "protect me" I don't wanna be kept in the dark. If I know then I can deal better.
 
Nixy said:
Do you think it is possible for someone who you were VERY close to as a lover can become a very close platonic friend or will that not work?
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yes, it can work.
an old girlfriend had gotten engaged, and eventually married, to someone else not too long after we had broken up. it did take me quite some time to adjust, but we became best of friends for about 12 years or so. our lives have since grown in different directions and i have since lost touch with her, but i wouldn't have traded those years of friendship for anything.
 
Thanks everyone

Les, I figure that I am gonna hurt either way so I may aswell try to get a friend out of it...

:hug:
 
Hmmm.....

* Ponders if he can reverse a few friendships and get some hot sex out of them...
 
It can work if you're not a total retard - which is unfortunately more often than not the case.

Friendship is simply love with one or two components missing. You know that you don't have what it takes to be together romantically, but there's nothing except yourselves stopping you being together platonically. The only barrier you have to get over is the idea that you "gave yourself to him and now he has a part of you". :rolleyes: If you don't think like that then there's no reason you can't be friends with him.

In any case, I am still friends with all but one of my ex-gfs - the one being a 15yr-old who had less of a clue than a tiger-moth.
 
Its not good for either of you to have a realtionship in a romanic sense if one wants to sleep with others ......I'd keep it as a close friendship like best friends maybe but don't cross the line after that. Sex in that type of relationship will ruin the friendship. And not to mention the head games it plays on both of you. Believe when i tell you i've had that kind of relationship and it sucks. :)
 
a13: It's not that we don't have what it takes, it's that he has a commitment phobia. We were never anything but happy together. It just started getting to serious and he ran. Also, I do not in any way regret what he and I did. I do not feel he took anything from me or that I gave him anything that he still has but I would like back. So, I guess that is a good thing in terms of our friendship :)

I saw him Tuesday night and I was OK with not kissing him. I think I will be OK with not crossing that line anymore. I mean, we still curled up together when watching the movie but that is the type of friends we have agreed to be. Basically, the very best male and female friends possible. The type were everyone looks at us and thinks "why aren't they together?" because we are SO close. People will think we are doing stuff cause we are so close (especially the people I hang around with cause that is the type of people they are, they think that sorta thing) but we won't be because both of us REALLY want to keep the other in our life. If one day when he doesn't have a commitment phobia anymore (if he ever gets over it) and I am not with anyone else and we decide to try again then so be it. Before anyone says anything but not getting my hopes up I just want to say it's not somethign I am hoping for necessarily but I am just the type of person who leaves possibilities open, I try to close as few doors as possible. I have also thought ALOT though and sex is just sex and it isn't worth losing an amazing friend over :)

Thanks Everyone :hug:
 
Nixy said:
I do not in any way regret what he and I did. I do not feel he took anything from me or that I gave him anything that he still has but I would like back. So, I guess that is a good thing in terms of our friendship
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Definitely.

Nixy said:
we still curled up together when watching the movie but that is the type of friends we have agreed to be.
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Perfect.

Nixy said:
we won't be because both of us REALLY want to keep the other in our life.
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Don't agree here. There's a difference between being comfortable with one another and not wanting to "ruin" it with sex, and being SO comfortable together that you can sleep with each other without the need to think there's anything to do with commitment in it. I can tell you from experience, the sex you have with a good friend is on the same level as the sex you have "when you really love someone", and if you think about that for a few seconds, you can see that it's also for the same reason.

Nixy said:
I have also thought ALOT though and sex is just sex and it isn't worth losing an amazing friend over
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If you really do get along as well as you would like to think you do, having sex together cannot possibly endanger the friendship. You shouldn't be thinking of it as a sacrifice to save your friendship, but simply as a choice that you two have come to an agreement on.

JohnB1000 said:
Believe when i tell you i've had that kind of relationship and it sucks.
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Then you weren't doing it right. See above.
 
Well, it was ruining our friendship because he was laways worried about hurting my feelings if he was with someone else too and it was puttign strain. He has no REASON to worry about that but he does just because he cares SO much. If he can ever stop worrying about my feelings and let me worry about those then we could do the sex while friends thing again :)
 
Nixy said:
Do you think it is possible for someone who you were VERY close to as a lover can become a very close platonic friend or will that not work?
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From personal experience, it went from deep intimate lovers... broke up over a trauma, and then went to friends (after being all depressed about breaking up obviously), and happily being platonic and all that, and everything was good... then got back together. But as friends, it's more than possible, just be careful not to get yourself into something that you're not willing to stand by ^_^ (including being friends)
 
Anytime, just possibly trying to put things into perspective, and having a little (not alot) of experience in this field helps.
But also keep in mind, that what works with some people, doesn't work with others. But Good Luck and godspeed nontheless :)
 
Nixy said:
he was laways worried about hurting my feelings if he was with someone else too and it was puttign strain.
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Then maybe you need to explain to him that maybe he doesn't understand you as well as you both think he does?
 
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