My Step-daughter

[Spirit]

My step daughter has been having such a hard time with not being able to have her Mom there to tuck her in at bedtime. She cries almost every night. It's been 2 yrs, and she was fine for a while, but she's back to crying again. Some times, she wakes up in the middle of the night and starts to cry saying she misses her mom (she often doesn't remember those, though).

Do you think we should send her to counselling? I don't know what to do. She is such a sweet sweet little girl. Her and I get along so great, but she won't talk about her feelings with me. I don't know why??

Has anyone dealt with this before?

 

[Professur]

I don't even understand my daughter half the time. Personally ...you said it ... she was fine for a while. You need to know what's changed. Is it because school's started? Has her 'family time' changed any? Maybe her dad's changed something? Before you ship her off to a stranger, you need to do more work at home.

As for her not sharing her feelings with you ..... sorry, but that's 100% normal. You just need to find someone she can share with. Maybe her dad, maybe an aunt, or a friend.

 

[Gonz]

Pardon my ignorance but where is mom? (I don't usually follow the personal info threads)

 

[browneyedMAC]

counseling is not shipping her off to some stranger!! counseling is a professional who is trained in getting ppl to share their feelings, often times when they don't want/or know how to. i'm a huge advocate for counseling!! especially if her every day routine is being thrown off b/c of her missing her mom. (sleep patterns, etc) is it important for her to know that you're still there for her (even if you send her to a counselor) YES!! but there is nothing wrong with getting the help of a professional. think about it. if there was something wrong with her medically....would you take her to a doctor or would you read a book and try to fix it yourself? SAME THING!

.....just my two cents..

 

[Gonz]

i'm a huge advocate for counseling!!

You do WHAT for a living

 

[Professur]

counseling is not shipping her off to some stranger!! counseling is a professional who is trained in getting ppl to share their feelings, often times when they don't want/or know how to. i'm a huge advocate for counseling!! especially if her every day routine is being thrown off b/c of her missing her mom. (sleep patterns, etc) is it important for her to know that you're still there for her (even if you send her to a counselor) YES!! but there is nothing wrong with getting the help of a professional. think about it. if there was something wrong with her medically....would you take her to a doctor or would you read a book and try to fix it yourself? SAME THING!

.....just my two cents..

And you do what for a living again? Yeah. No bias there at all. And frankly, you probably haven't seen it since most everyone knows and it doesn't come up much, but I'd rather perform a do-it-yourself vacectomy than go to a doctor of any kind. And I'd rather see a doctor than allow a 'counselor' within 100' of my kids.

 

[Starya]

[supposedly quoting Mac up there]

Also, many kids (and grown ups..) find it easier to talk to someone on "the outside" when something is bugging them.

 

[tonksy]

Um....is this the same child that witnessed the carnal endeavors between you and her father? When did this happen? Cuz, that might be really confusing for her.

 

[Professur]

Carnal endeavours. I'm gonna have to remember that one.

 

[Spirit]

[edit]..........you said it ... she was fine for a while. You need to know what's changed. Is it because school's started? Has her 'family time' changed any? Maybe her dad's changed something? Before you ship her off to a stranger, you need to do more work at home.

As for her not sharing her feelings with you ..... sorry, but that's 100% normal. You just need to find someone she can share with. Maybe her dad, maybe an aunt, or a friend.

Her Mom has remarried. She said she *sorta* likes the new step dad, but sometimes not so much. She won't say why she doesn't like him. My self and her father have tried different obscure methods to get her talking about why, I am sure you know what our fears are, but she won't open up.

So, we enlisted the help of her favorite people (to answer your question as well, starya) - my sister and her daughter (my neice = 18). They are wonderful and sensitive people and every child known to man loves them. They took step-daughter for an overnighter when then men of the house were away on a hiking trip. They did all kinds of things with her (sat in hot tub talking, laughing; arts and crafts (hoping she'd draw something) shopping for earrings...) and she did open up a little bit - but nothing out of the ordinary that any little girl feels when their parents separate.

Pardon my ignorance but where is mom? (I don't usually follow the personal info threads)

Mom cheated on Dad and wouldn't stop the affair. Dad tried for 3 yrs to get her to stop and work it out for the kids sake. She wouldn't stop cheating. There are even doubts as to who the sperm donor is for both kids, but being the kind of man my guy is, he doesn't care. During the course of the 9 yr marriage, he found out that she cheated on him all through courtship and the night before the wedding. Finally, this *Mom* got pregnant by some other guy (Ian had had a vas years earlier), she moved out.(Then she misscarried) He kept the kids - telling her no way is she taking them from him because she can't control her libido outside of the bonds of matrimony. She gladly left them behind. Now she's pregnant again.

Step Daughter has been crying since before she found out her mom is having a baby.

counseling is not shipping her off to some stranger!! counseling is a professional who is trained in getting ppl to share their feelings, often times when they don't want/or know how to. i'm a huge advocate for counseling!! especially if her every day routine is being thrown off b/c of her missing her mom. (sleep patterns, etc) is it important for her to know that you're still there for her (even if you send her to a counselor) YES!! but there is nothing wrong with getting the help of a professional. think about it. if there was something wrong with her medically....would you take her to a doctor or would you read a book and try to fix it yourself? SAME THING!

.....just my two cents..

I agree with you here. There is a counsellor I know of that has a 1 way mirror with no sound so you can observe the visit but not hear what the child is saying (to protect the child). Opinions: can you see what might not be good about that?

Um....is this the same child that witnessed the carnal endeavors between you and her father? When did this happen? Cuz, that might be really confusing for her.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I didn't even THINK of THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh shit.... oh my god... time to talk to Ian about that... HOnestly, I don't think she'd feel comfortable talking to any of us about that incident. I can't believe I didn't even think of that - Tonks - I love you!


I am ok with Lil'A (Step daughter... we have 2 Alex's in the house, so we call her Lil'A) not talking to me about that stuff. She crawls on the couch and cuddles with me while watching TV, she'll crawl next to me in bed and chat about this and that - her and I have a great relationship and if and when she wants to talk about more, then that would be great. I don't push it at all. She asks me to go on field trips, she asks me to take her shopping for girlie things, so we're on the right track.

My sweet little girl is suffering somehow and it tears me up.

 

[Spirit]

Ian and I were chatting via email - this is what he said (he's so wonderful and smart!!!)

I talked to alex last night about when I went to see a psycologist.
Talked about dreams and writing stuff in a diary.

She was very upset that she was sleep walking and crying at night. :-(

Told her it might just be her sub-consious trying to tell her to pay attenion or deal something and that I used to do that when I was her
age as well.
Talked about what the sub-consious is for while.

Then told her that one of the best way to get to know what is going on in your brain was to write things down.
somethings may come out that you don't even know were bothering you.
Talked about what to write and how.
Talked about what dreams were

Talked about how writing is used by many proffesionals to help with healing and understanding.
Writing letters to friend or family you miss or people that have died.

So she said she would write more in journal and seemed happy when I left

he's brilliant (and dyslexic, so nm the typos and grammar)

 

[A.B.Normal]

Have you/he covered with her whether these are "personal" journals or whther you'd help her translate the thoughts in them.

 

[Gonz]

she moved out He kept the kids

That's bad for you. No matter what a POS mommy is, she's still mommy. Always will be. As an adult, the daughter may be able to see the truth but for now, you're fucked.

Try to avoid ever badmouthing mom but make it abundantly clear, through this little girls life, that her mother is paying a huge price for her actions & she (the mother) is responsible for the seperation. Lay blame where it belongs but expect animosity. You aren't mom. Hopefully you two can grow close but she will always see you as a replacement. Be there when she needs you & understand when she hates you. The only thing I'd demand is respect. Everythign else is emotion & they are like the tide.

 

[Spirit]

Oh I know I am not Mom. I know what that's like, I've had a few step-moms and one step dad. Neither of us bad mouth or Ex's when the kids are home, nor do we do it when we're on the phone. We're extremely careful about that kind of thing. Ian doesn't want to tell the kids what their Mom did - not sure of the reason for that just yet. Perhaps he's waiting until they are older - they may be able to understand it better then.

 

[Gonz]

It's hard to point to consequences when there is no apparent crime. She doesn't need to know mommys a slut but she could be told that mommy broke her marriage vows & daddy tried to keep it together & forgive until mommy broke them again. That, I believe, is an incredibly important lesson for the little one to grasp. Specifics are not necessarly important (frankly, it's none of her business) but the whole picture can be laid out. Kids are far more resilient & understanding, and smart, than we give them credit.

 

[Spirit]

Hmm.. I'll talk it over with him and see what he says??

 

[Professur]

Oh I know I am not Mom. I know what that's like, I've had a few step-moms and one step dad

You have no idea how much that statement makes me want to go out an beat the living shit outta something. Preferably something wearing a pin stripe suit and carrying an attache case.

 

[browneyedMAC]

And you do what for a living again? Yeah. No bias there at all. And frankly, you probably haven't seen it since most everyone knows and it doesn't come up much, but I'd rather perform a do-it-yourself vacectomy than go to a doctor of any kind. And I'd rather see a doctor than allow a 'counselor' within 100' of my kids.

ok prof: you need to explain yourself on that one!! yeah, i may be a counselor, and yeah, i may even be touchy feely as ppl like to say. but biased .... nope. i'm not saying that's the cure. i'm just saying explore the options...

 

[tonksy]

Spirit, you might want to dumb the situation down a bit if she asked about what happened. I would stick with "Mommy made a promise to Daddy but she kept breaking her promise which hurt Daddy very much and they decided that they weren't happy and Mommy left."

 

[Nixy]

Spirit, you might want to dumb the situation down a bit if she asked about what happened. I would stick with "Mommy made a promise to Daddy but she kept breaking her promise which hurt Daddy very much and they decided that they weren't happy and Mommy left."

How old is her step-daughter?