Post those funny lyrics! :D

Shadowfax

<b>mod cow</b>
Thought it would be nice to post some of the funniest lyrics you know...plus the title and singer...

Here are 2 favourites of mine:

Dennis Leary
I'm an asshole


Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me, about you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
Maybe below the cockles,
Maybe in the sub cockle area,
Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys,
Maybe even in the colon, we don’t know

I’m just a regular Joe, with a regular job
I’m your average white, suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no, no way, uh uh)
No I gotta go out and have fun at someone else’s expense
(woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summer time saying “how about this heat”

I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s the world’s biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces

I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong
Nah

I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s the world’s biggest asshole)

You know what I’m gonna do
I’m gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible
Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps
And all leather cow interior
And make brown baby seal lions for head lights (yeah)
And I’m gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
Gettin' 1 mile per gallon,
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald’s
In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
And when I’m done sucking down those greeseball burgers
I’m gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I’m gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain’t a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why, because we’ve got the bombs, that’s why
2 words, nuclear fuckin’ weapons, OK?
Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cakewalk
Right through the middle of Tinian Square
and it won’t make a lick of difference
Because we’ve got the bombs, OK?
John Wayne's not dead, he’s frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer
We’re gonna thaw out the duke and he’s gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why,
Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15 million times
That’s how pissed off the duke’s gonna be!
I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Castive Eddies,
and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckenthorp, and a case of whiskey,
and drive down to Texas...

(Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s the world’s biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E
Everybody
A-S-S-H-O-L-E

I’m an asshole and I’m proud of it


Weird Al Yankovic
Amish Paradise


As i walk throught the valley where i harvest my grain,
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain.
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me,
you know I shun fancy things like electricity.
At 4:30 in the mornin' i'm milking cows,
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool
and I've been milking and plowing so long that
even Ezekial thinks that my mind is gone.
I'm a man of the land, I'm into disipline,
got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin,
but if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine,
then tonight we're going to party like it's 1699.

(Chorus)
we've been spending most our lives living in an Amish Paradise,
I churn butter once or twice, living in an Amish Paradise,
It's hard work and sacrafice, living in an Amish Paradise,
We sell quilts at discount price, living in an Amish Paradise.


A local boy kicked me in the butt last week,
i just smiled at him, and I turned the other cheek.
I don't really care, in fact I wish him well,
cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in Hell.
I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it,
an Amish with a 'tude, you know that's unheard of.
I never wear buttons, but I got a cool hat,
and my homies agree i really look good in black, fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears,
we haven't even payed the phone bill in 300 years,
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare,
we're just technologically impaired.

there's no phone, no lights, no motorcars, not a single
luxury,
like robonson curoso, it's as primitve as can be,

(chorus)
we've been spending most our lives living in an Amish Paradise,
we're just plain and simple guys, living in an Amish Paradise,
there's no time for sin and vice, living in an Amish Paradise,
We don't fight, we all play nice, living in an Amish Paradise

Hitching up the buggy, churning lots of butter,
raised a barn on Monday, soon i'll raise anutter
think you're really rightious?
think you're pure in heart?
well i know i'm a million times as humble as thou art.
I'm the pioust guy the little Amletts want to be like
on my knees day and night scoring points for the acolyte.
so don't be vain, and don't be whiney,
or else my brother might have to get mideval on you heiny.

(chorus)
we've been spending most our lives living in an Amish Paradise,
We're all crazy mennenites, living in an Amish Paradise,
there's no cops or traffic lights, living in an Amish Paradise,
But you'd probably think it bites, living in an Amish Paradise,

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
ah-ah
ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah,
yech!
 
Turin Brakes - Future Boy

Oh future boy, where are you from?
My time machine crashed over yonder.
Syphilis is a bitch,
But contracting HIV is much worse.

Supergrass - Sex

Sex, is a very funny thing
Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad
You can't get it all the same.
First time can be very hard
The next day you gotta try it again

Sex, is a curious thing.
Sometimes it burns,
Sometimes it stings,
Sometimes it leaves a stain
One day you just had enough
Next day...you gotta do it again...and again and again.

And for a very special prize...
A years supply,
Of shepards pie,
Oh, cheers!!!!

Chris Moyles - From 'Stanta'

You see, I may be Santa, but I'm rock hard.
I can kill a man with just a Christmas card!

:D :D :D
 
THE YING TONG SONG
(Spike Milligan)
The Goons - 1956



[orchestral intro]

Tenor: There's a song that I recall My mother sang to me.

Bluebotte [off]: Oh! [a sigh]

Tenor: She sang it as she tucked me in When I was ninety-three. [harp
plays a rising chord...]

Sprigs: I diddle, I. Who was that bum?

Bluebottle + Sprigs: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong
iddle I po, Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying
tong [bluebottle drops behind] Ying tong iddle I po

Sprigs: Keep lad up. Keep.

Bluebottle: Keep up lad up.

Both: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po

Sprigs: lad

Both: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po [lad] Iddle I po [lad]
Ying tong ying tong Ying tong [Sprigs: iddle]
[Bluebottle: ying tong] Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong iddle


Bluebottle [spoken]: Ying tong iddle I po!

[short raspberry, Secombe]

Both: Oh! Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po
Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Iddle I po!

[trumpet bit]

Bluebottle: Ying. Ying tongy tongy. Ying tong iddle I po. Ying tong
iddle I po.

[Secombe under this: What a lovely lovely boy!] Ying ying ying tongy
tongy.

[Milligan: Get out the rifle, sir.] Yeeeng. Ying tong ying tong
d'gy-n'o. Ying tong d'ga.

[Secombe: Get away.] D'g d'g d'ga. Ying tong iddle I po.

Seagoon: Hear that crazy rhythm Driving me insane. Strike your partner
on the bonce. [thump]

Eccles: Ooh. I felt no pain.

[Bluebottle screeches]

Seagoon, Bluebottle and Eccles: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying

tong Ying...

[harp chord rises]

Soprano: Take me back to Vienna....

[Raspberry section, probably Milligan]

Bloodnok: Ohhhhh!

Eccles: Oh!

[harp chord]

Soprano: Take me back to Vienna, where the....

[crash!]

Seagoon, Sprigs and Bluebottle [far off]: Ying tong ying tong Ying
tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po

[mad dash to foreground]

Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po

[Sprigs: keep going lad]

Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po

Seagoon: LOOK OUT!

[cry from Bluebottle]

[mad dash to distance]

[hastily] Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po
Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po [dash to
foreground] Ying tong...

[whine of bomb dropping, explosion]

Double speed, but same tempo, Goons: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong
ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po Iddle I po. Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying
tong Ying tong iddle I po Ying tong ying tong Ying tong
iddle I po Iddle I po.

One: Ying! Tongy tongy tongy. Yiddy diddy diddy da daaa. Ying diddy.
Ying tong diddle. Yiddada boo.

[rhythmic thigh slapping, raspberry]

All: Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle Ying tong iddle I po Ying
tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po Iddle I po.

Bluebottle?: Whoooooh!

:D
 
Piece of Shit Car
Adam Sandler


here we go
no no no (whoo ooh)
piece of shit car,
i gotta piece of shit car

that fucking pile of shit
never gets me very far.

my cars a big piece of shit
cause the shocks are fucking shot,
and my seatbelts fuckin broken,
i got to tie em in a knot. (its a piece of shit)

i cant see through the windshield
cause its got a big fucking crack,
and the interrior smells real bad
cause my friend puked in the back. (its a piece of shit)

(piece of shit car) piece of shit car
(hes gotta piece of shit car)
it sucks royal dick (that fuckin pile of shit, never gets him very far)
oh fuck you car.

its got no CD player,
its only got the 8-track.
whoever designed my car
can lick my sweaty nut sack. (they can bite his ass too)

and i got no fucking brakes,
im always way out of control,
11 times a day i hear "hey watch it asshole" (you fucking piece of shit).

(piece of shit car)
i've got a piece of shit car (hes got a piece of shit car).
diesel gas sucks my ass! (that fucking pile of shit)
that pile of metal shit (never gets him very far.)

oh what the fuck did i do,
what the fuck did i do,
what the fuck did i do,
to get stuck with you?

you're too loud for drive-thru
and you smell like the shoe,
but im too broke to buy something new.
ah fuck me.

the engine likes to flood,
the car always fucking stalls,
and the seat cushions got a big rip
so a spring always pokes the balls. (ouch ouch ouch)

plus the doorlocks are busted,
i got to use a fucking coat hanger. (what a pain in his ass)
and if a girlie sees my car,
theres no chance i'll ever bang her. (he'll never ever get the pussy)
hey shut up!

(piece of shit car)
you piece of shit car. (hes gotta piece of shit car)
you piece of shit car (piece of shit car)

no fucking tires (hes got a piece of shit car)
no rearview fucking mirror (piece of shit car)
73 colors (hes got apiece of shit car)
fucking rag for a gas cap (piece of shit car)
tailpipe making sparks fly everywhere (piece of shit car)
whoaaaa the whole town thinks im a loser (piece of shit car)
give me a push!

:rofl2: :headbang:
 
Paradise by the Dashboard Light
Meatloaf

Boy:
I remember every little thing
As if it happened only yesterday
Parking by the lake
And there was not another car in sight
And I never had a girl
Looking any better than you did
And all the kids at school
They were wishing they were me that night


And now our bodies are oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C'mon! Hold on tight!
C'mon! Hold on tight!


Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light


Girl:
Ain't no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely dressed


Ain't no doubt about it
Baby got to go and shout it
Ain't no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed


Boy:
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely dressed


Baby doncha hear my heart
You got it drowning out the radio
I've been waiting so long
For you to come along and have some fun


And I gotta let ya know
No you're never gonna regret it
So open up your eyes I got a big surprise
It'll feel all right
Well I wanna make your motor run


And now our bodies are oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C'mon! Hold on tight!
C'mon! Hold on tight!


Though it's cold and lonley in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light
Paradise by the dashboard light


You got to do what you can
And let Mother Nature do the rest
Ain't no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely--


We're gonna go all the way tonight
We're gonna go allt he way
An tonight's the night...


Radio Broadcast:
Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker
going here, two down, nobody on, no score,
bottom of the ninth, there's the wind-up and
there it is, a line shot up the middle, look
at him go. This boy can really fly!
He's rounding first and really turning it on
now, he's not letting up at all, he's gonna
try for second; the ball is bobbled out in center,
and here comes the throw, and what a throw!
He's gonna slide in head first, here he comes, he's out!
No, wait, safe--safe at second base, this kid really
makes things happen out there.
Batter steps up to the plate, here's the pitch--
he's going, and what a jump he's got, he's trying
for third, here's the throw, it's in the dirt--
safe at third! Holy cow, stolen base!
He's taking a pretty big lead out there, almost
daring him to try and pick him off. The pitcher
glance over, winds up, and it's bunted, bunted
down the third base line, the suicide squeeze in on!
Here he comes, squeeze play, it's gonna be close,
here's the throw, there's the play at the plate,
holy cow, I think he's gonna make it!


II. Let Me Sleep On It


Girl:
Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further--!


Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
Do you love me!?
Will you love me forever!?
Do you need me!?
Will you never leave me!?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life!?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife!?
I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Do you love me!!!?
Will you love me forever!!!?


Boy:
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I'll give you my answer in the morning


Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I'll give you my answer in the morning


Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I'll give you my answer in the morning


Girl:
I gotta know right now!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further
Do you love me?
And will you love me forever?


Boy:
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I'll give you my answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it!!!


Girl:
Will you love me forever?

Boy:
Let me sleep on it!!!

Girl:
Will you love me forever!!!


III. Praying for the End of Time


Boy:
I couldn't take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god and on my mother's grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!


So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!!!


Boy:
It was long ago and it was far away
and it was so much better than it is today


Girl:
It never felt so good
It never felt so right
And we were glowing like
A metal on the edge of a knife
 
And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber.
And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself.
And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own midwest.
And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil.
One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear.
And terror possesed me then.
And I begged, "Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?"
And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots!
You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust."
And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared,
"Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul!
Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!"
Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah?
Life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on......

:tool:
 
Bloodhound Gang
The Bad Touch


"Ha ha, well now! We call this the act of mating. But there are several
other very important differences between human beings and animals that you
should know about."

(whisper: "I'd appreciate your input")

Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought me
and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes, I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up
You've had enough of two-hand touch, you want it rough, you're out of bounds
I want to you smothered, want you covered, like my Waffle House hash browns
Come quicker than Fed Ex, never reaching apex like Coca-Cola stock you are
inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time

CHORUS:
(do it now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
(do it again now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
(gettin' horny now)

Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean, means "small craft
advisory"
So if I capsize in your thighs, high tide, B-5, you sunk my battle ship
Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours I'll show you mine "Tool Time", you'll Lovett just like
Lyle
And then we'll do it doggie style so we can both watch X-Files

(Chorus)
(repeat)
(repeat)
 
Two songs by "20 Fingers" both of which I probably can't post.

One is called "Short **** man" and two of the lyrics are:

Itsy bitsy teeny weeny
Shriveled little short **** man

The other is "You Got To Lick It"

I think both are extremely funny.
 
I never would've thought sweet, innocent Greenie would listen to such explicit lyrics...I'm shocked, I say...shocked... :D

BTW...the first song doesn't apply to me
 
primus: my name is mud
my name is mud.
not to be confused with bill or pete or jack or dennis
my name is mud it always been
cause im the most boring sonsabitch you ever seen
i dress in blue
yes navy blue from head to toe im rather drab
except my patent shoes. i make em shine.
well most of the time
cept today my feet are troddin on by this friend of mine
6'2 and rude as hell
i got to get him in the ground before he starts to smell
my name is mud
my name is mud but call me Alowishus Devander Abercrombie
thats long for mud
or so ive been told
told that by this sonsabitch who lies before me bloated and blue and cold
ive got my pride,i drink my wine
id drink the finest except i havent earned a dime in weeks or were it years
the breath on that fat bastard could bring any man to tears
we had our common spat
so i kissed him upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat
my name is mud.
 
I have fallen for another she can make her own way home
And even if she asked me now I'd let her go alone
See I used to see her in the chapel when she went to Sunday Mass
When she'd go up to receive I'd kneel down there and let her pass...
The glory of her ass...

I used to love her, I used to love her once, a long long time ago
I used to love her, I used to love her once, a long long time ago
It's gone, all my lovin' is gone, wo-oh wo-oh
Well it's gone, long, long gone

You remember her collecting for Concern on Christmas eve
She was on a 48 hour fast, just water and black tea
Well I walked up there and made an ostentatious contribution
And I winked at her to tell her I'd seduce her in the future
When she's feeling looser...

chorus...

So now you know the truth of it she's no longer my obsession
And all the thoughts and dreams I've had of her
Would take 6 months in confession
See I met this young one Thursday night and she's into free expression
And her mission is to free the world of pitifful repression
Then we had a session

chorus...

I have fallen for her mother she can make her own way home...
 
Thanks fi, you reminded me of another one...

"I used to love her" by Guns n Roses

I used to love her
But I had to kill her
I used to love her, Mm, yeah
But I had to kill her
I had to put her six feet under
And I can still hear her complain

I used to love her, Oo, yeah
But I had to kill her
I used to love her, Oo, yeah
But I had to kill her
I knew I'd miss her
So I had to keep her
She's buried right in my backyard
Oh yeah, Oo yeah, whoa, oh yeah

I used to love her
But I had to kill her
I used to love her, Mm, yeah
But I had to kill her
She bitched so much, She drove me nuts
And now I'm happier this way, yeah
Whoa, oh yeah

I used to love her
But I had to kill her
I used to love her, Mm, yeah
But I had to kill her
I had to put her, Oo, six feet under
And I can still hear her complain
 
Which made me remember another one... :D

Ugly Kid Joe
As Ugly as They Wanna Be (1991)
Everything About You

I, hate the rain and sunny weather
And I, hate the beach and moutains too
(and) I don't like a thing about the city, no, no
And I, I, I, hate the country side too!

And I, hate everything about you!
...everything about you!

I don't like a thing about your mother
And I, I hate your daddy's guts too
I, don't like a thing about your sister
'cause I, I, I, think sex is overrated too.

And I, get sick when I'm around, I, can't stand to be around
I, hate everything about you!

everything about you, everything about you, everything about
you

Some say I got a bad attitude
But that don't change the way I feel about you
And if you think this might be bringing me down
Look again cause I ain't wearin' no frown!

I don't really care about your sister
Fuck the little bitch 'cause I already kissed her

One thing that I did to your lady
Put her on the bed and she didn't say maybe
I know you know everybody knows
The way it comes, the way it's gonna' go

You think it's sad
And that's too bad
'cause I'm havin'
A ball hatin'
Every little thing about you!

Everything about you, everything about
I get sick when I'm around
I can't stand to be around
I hate everything about you
 
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