This space was originally supposed to be filled with a description of the fun times I have delivering pizzas.
But when I sent that in, I got it sent back to me with a list of criticisms, one of which was that it was offensive because I used the phrase, “once you go black you never go back,” a saying I’ve heard about white girls dating African-American guys.
Maybe it’s because I’m a white guy who grew up in a middle-class white family in a white neighborhood, but I was surprised to find out that saying was offensive.
I might understand if the offense were taken at the sexual connotations of the saying, but the offense was taken at the “black” part.
This got me to thinking about words and the feelings they evoke. Why doesn’t the saying offend the white girl who told it to me, when it offends the white girl who read my column?
By pure coincidence, all this happened right after Randall Kennedy, an African-American law professor at Harvard, came to Fresno State to discuss his book, “Nigger: The Strange Career of a Troublesome Word.” The N-word—some say I’m not allowed to say “nigger” because I’m white—is an prime example of the difference in impact words have depending on where they come from.
Growing up, I was always taught that it’s wrong to use that word, or any slur. After that being all I ever knew for the first 11 or 12 years of my life, imagine my shock the first time I heard the intro to Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic.”
It was the first time I ever heard a black person say the N-word, and I was a bit offended. I was offended at hearing this word that I was told never to use. But I also was offended that someone like Dr. Dre could say the word while I can’t.
Ten years later, I still don’t use the word to refer to black people, not even jokingly, not even when I’m in the company of racist white people. It’s just not part of my everyday vocabulary, nor does it need to be.
But it just doesn’t sit right with me that the color of my skin determines what I can say. That I wouldn’t use the term even if I had the freedom to is a moot point—it’s still a restriction placed on my freedom of speech due to the color of my skin.
And even though the saying I referred to at the top of this column is important to my point—it’s what brought up the subject in the first place—I had to fight to get it in print. The sole reason is that I’m white; therefore, I’m “not in a position to say that.”
But that’s not all I’m not supposed to say. Kennedy said that homosexuals have adopted the anti-gay term “queer” as their own. That tells me they can say it but I can’t, simply because I’m not gay.
Is this wrong? Is it unfair that I can’t say certain things simply because I’m a white, heterosexual male?
My first reaction is, “yes.” It doesn’t seem fair that I’m not supposed to factor race, sex, sexual orientation, religion or any other such factor in how I treat other people, while at the same time I have to accept that my race and sex places limits on my vocabulary.
But it’s not as simple as that. Kennedy made a great point: it’s a way to yank the words away from the bigots to turn them into emblems of solidarity. And given that my color places me with those who have traditionally spread the most hate in America, if I use a slur, how is one to know whether I used it lightheartedly or as a terrible insult?
I doubt I’ll ever really feel at peace with this as long as I live.
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