I get what you're saying about my fiercely defending myself and how that looks, but I have explained that... and it isn't what you think. I did have a lot of issues back in the early years of high school... within the first couple of years after we left him. I realized he was ruining me and my personality and my emotions... I hate him so badly that I didn't want him to have that power... I started to do everything I could to not let him in... to not feel hatred towards men in general, to not let myself feel worthless because I didn't mean anything to my own father, to not allow his actions and his absence to effect me, change me, or ruin me. I've spent the years since I made that decision working at making that happen, and honestly I think I've done a great job. I don't hate men, in fact all of my friends are men. I don't feel worthless because he didn't want me... I cherish his absence more than I suffer from it... I wouldn't want him around if he could be.
I've gone through some intense shit just in my brain just with my emotions... some kind of turmoil some people never experience... and I wont just sit by and let people tell me that I have these problems I worked so hard NOT to have. That's why I get so defensive... because I put so much into making sure I didn't have these issues and when someone who doesn't know anything tries to say "daddy issues." and doesn't take my nice, polite, "no that's not it" as an answer, and insists that it IS the answer, who wouldn't get riled up?
In school, I first started school here in 6th grade. That's still elementary school, but from the first day I was someone everyone picked on. Clothes and such are important at that age, you know, but being so young, when we were school shopping my aunt (who helped us get away from dad, and lived here much longer) told me that these clothes and these shoes were IN *here*... and me not knowing shit I believed her... turns out they were the worst..thing...that's happened to me...lol..
Anyway, after that was middle/high school, and from 7-8th grade I had those *friends*... it was the beginning of 9th grade that they did that to me. There was no rumor that I know of, there was no problem that I knew of.. the only thing I can imagine it was... was that they were little whores and I refused to be. Every weekend they went to "lake dances" which were dances not put on by the school where... well let's just say anyone who attended was either a slut or a guy looking for said sluts. I would never go... I didn't party, I didn't fuck guys, my virginity meant a lot to me, etc etc... I just guess that they decided I wasn't allowed to be in their group if I wasn't a certified whore. I don't think it was much of a loss for me because they're just shitty people, but from that point on I never had any friends. I was always in a corner, alone, in the mornings before school started I literally sat in a corner with my headphones and just wished I was dead. The only people that talked to me were the teachers... they were my only friends... I had 100+ in just about every class... I ate alone, I sat alone, I worked alone, and it wasn't because I looked like marilyn manson. I tried to talk to people, I tried to work with groups, I even tried to go out for a couple of sports... for some reason I just wasn't even human to these people.
Also, before we moved here, I went all my elementary years in Lousiana... meaning I was a scrawny white girl surrounded by black kids... really, should I say more or do you get the picture already? I was bullied and made fun of and physically hurt a few dozen times... I was helpless. Then I moved and still I was just generally hated.
I did make one "friend" my senior year, and we've been "friends" ever since... but it's taken me these three years to realize what she really thinks of me. She doesn't have friends other than me, except her husband.. who I think only married her because he said he wanted a family like...yesterday.. and she was the only girl he knew that wanted one too. Anyway, she's a very selfish person and walked all over me... everything we ever did was what she wanted to do, when she wanted to do it, and half the time I had to pay for it. Sometimes she randomy came up with "remember you still owe me ten bucks!" and her explanation for what for always left me like.. "wtf are you even talking about." but I always had to pay anyway. She made me say please and thank you... to her... she always went on and on and on about her life, her stuff, herself, but when I wanted to (or needed to) talk, I got my time to talk, but the reply always was "but yeah, so [something about her]".
Think maybe that could be something to do with whatever issue I'm supposed to have? Maybe it's because I was never treated like a human being?