The sperm guard is for the cheese granules, juicy juice, oatmeal cookie bits, pineapple chunks, dorito crumbs, and green olive juice.
The problem we had on the lappy before it died was getting things like noggin to load, it always took forever...and fucking kids these days can't wait for anything. They like DVD's because there is no rewind time. I remember when I was fucking lucky to have a beta max *grumble