Bad Joke thread.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
 
A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"
 
Older women are like dog poop... the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.




A father walks in on his son masturbating and says, “Son, stop that right now, or you’ll go blind.”
His son replies, “I’m over here, Dad!”



A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”
 
Ok first, I HAVE to say sorry to the ladies out there..... but this was SO DAMN FUNNY....


Q - What did God say when Eve jumped into the ocean for the first time?
A - It's going to take a million years to get that smell out of the fish.
 
A man is having trouble keeping up with his wife in bed. He talks to a friend who suggests he go about sex like the chinese. That is, have a little sex then take a break and smoke, have some more sex then take a break and have a snack, have some more sex then take a break and step out on the balcony all the while giving yourself plenty of time to regain your strength. So the guy goes home and jumps into bed with his wife, has sex and then takes a smoke break, a little more sex and then a snack break, a little more sex and then steps outside for some air , then comes back inside and jumps into bed when his wife suddenly turns to him and says "honey, you fuck just like a Chinamen".
 
There is a good reason why you should not beat off. All your dead relatives are watching you when you do it. :D
 
Cleveland said:
Ok first, I HAVE to say sorry to the ladies out there..... but this was SO DAMN FUNNY....


Q - What did God say when Eve jumped into the ocean for the first time?
A - It's going to take a million years to get that smell out of the fish.
Click to expand...
I have to apologize too in advance, but that is :rofl2:
 
There is a good reason why you should not beat off. All your dead relatives are watching you when you do it.
Click to expand...
I've thought about that before..err i mean...i heard that before somewhere. :D
 
Well see thats the problem... if they are, they aren't enjoying themselves up there in heaven because they will be spending most of their time staring at me. Which I find a little disturbing.
 
THE GUYS RULES
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.

Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Check your oil! Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

I’m in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
 
^^^ lol

There is nothing I hate more than a) a girl crying, because it works so damn well on me, and b) getting the answer "nothing". It drives me up a wall.
 
Possibly badly translated:

Two policemen having a conversation:
-Last night I had amaving sex with my wife!
-What did you do!
-A different technique, when I'm almost there, I take my gun and shoot to the air. Then she will tighten her p***y, giving me a heavenly orgasm.
The other guy likes the idea and promises to try it that night. Next day he comes furious to work. His partner checks to see what went wrong.
-You know we were doing a 69, then I did what you said. Took my gun and shot to the air.
-And then...
-Well she bit my dick, shited on my face, and a naked guy came out of the closet begging for his life...
 
I little boy is lying in his bed, having nightmares. He walks across the hall to his parents room, but when he opens the door, he sees his dad lying down on the bed with his mum bouncing up and down on top of him - so he goes back to his room.
A while later...his mum walks into his room to see what the matter was and the boy says:
"Mummy, why were you bouncing up and down on daddy?"
And the mum says:
"Well...sometimes daddy's stomach gets too big and mummy has to bounce on it to make it go down."
And the boy says:
"Oh, well you needn't bother because there's a lady who comes round every Tuesday night and just blows it right back up again."
 
What do you call a bullet-proof Indian?

*P'Ding*


What do you call a Muslim with a piece of meat on his head?

Hahmed

What do you call a Muslim with two pieces of meat on his head?

Mohahmed


What do you call a Chinese woman with half a bra?

Wun Hung Lo


What did one Palestinian woman say to the other one?

"Does my bomb look big in this?"


Why does Noddy have a little red hat with a bell on the end?

Because he's a twat.
 
This chicken and this horse were the best of mates. They used to go for a walk round the farmyard every day, having the craic, gassing away about the latest farmyard shcandal.

One day it had rained a lot, really bucketed down, and the horse and chicken were taking their daily constitutional as usual. Suddenly the horse fell knee deep into a puddle of muck that had formed after the rain. He began thrashing around but was only making the problem worse. So the chicken had a brainwave; she ran to the farmer's garage, hopped into the farmer's brand new pride and joy, a Mercedes S class, drove it over to the quagmire, threw a rope to the horse, tied the other end to the Merc, put it in reverse, and hauled the poor horsey out. The horse was delighted and eternally grateful to his best mate, the chicken.

Anyway, sure enough, the opportunity arose to return the favour... it rained again (this was Ireland after all!) and one day the poor chicken fell into the mud. the chicken shouted. "Quick! get the Mercedes like I did the last time!" However the horse, in the intervening time, had been mulling over his own experiences and came up with a much simpler way of handling things.

He stood over the puddle of muck, lowered his *ahem* (well, he was a stallion after all!), told the chicken to grab on, and pulled her to safety.

The chicken was well impressed with this show of lateral thinking, and the two lived happily ever after.

And the moral of the story...?

You don't need a Merc to pull chicks when you're hung like a horse!

WHA! WHA!
 
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