Cheating

Your anger vs. your relationship with your wife and 4 kids. I'd rather give up on my anger. IMHO.

Trust is not black and white...you can rebuild trust, from scratch if necessary. Forgiving but not forgetting
 
Spot said:
Gonz - i dont know. am i married to her?
i like to think i have the capacity to forgive. i gave up holding grudges and hating people many years ago. waste of energy.
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I thought I answered this already...must have hit GO instead of post :shrug:

You're talking to me about your 4 kids...of course you're married ;)

The children can learn one of two lessons...
1)that for each action there is a response;
or
2)Our vows mean squat.
 
MrBishop said:
Your anger vs. your relationship with your wife and 4 kids. I'd rather give up on my anger. IMHO.
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Where was anger mentionned? If I was angry about it, I'd just shoot the bitch, and her lover and have done with it. Probably get off with a slap on the wrist thanks to a psychologist too.

If one of the two of you was fucking around, exactly what was your relationship? Not what you thought. And obviously what you thought wasn't what she wanted.



Trust is not black and white...you can rebuild trust, from scratch if necessary. Forgiving but not forgetting
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But it is, and must be, black and white at the married stage. We're not talking some bedroom fuck buddy who's sharing the rent.


And for me, at the friend stage. And while it may be rebuilt, it's can't be as absolute as it was.


GF, I'm leaving. I'll be over there
 
So why haven't all the folks that HAVE screwed
around of their spouses, chimed-in in defense
of their chosen lifestyle?

Perhaps because it is an indefensible position?
 
Winky said:
So why haven't all the folks that HAVE screwed
around of their spouses, chimed-in in defense
of their chosen lifestyle?

Perhaps because it is an indefensible position?
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There ya go.
 
Professur said:
Where was anger mentionned? If I was angry about it, I'd just shoot the bitch, and her lover and have done with it. Probably get off with a slap on the wrist thanks to a psychologist too.

If one of the two of you was fucking around, exactly what was your relationship? Not what you thought. And obviously what you thought wasn't what she wanted.
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and lose your kids to social services while you were at it...but hell, what's never seeing your kids again if you get moral satisfaction?





Professur said:
But it is, and must be, black and white at the married stage. We're not talking some bedroom fuck buddy who's sharing the rent.
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You're telling me that the moment that you get married that you automatically have 100% trust..nothing to build on afterwards? Hahahahahahahahah!!! You poor disillusioned man.

OH...and that ping about common-law marriage... :finger:
 
I'm not getting in the middle of your bitchfight but this comment has me puzzled:

MrBishop said:
You're telling me that the moment that you get married that you automatically have 100% trust..nothing to build on afterwards?
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If you don't trust someone 100% before you marry then I think you should postpone that wedding. I've got a lot of other views on what the pre-requisites of marraige are but I'd like to hear yours first.

Are you saying that complete trust in your fiance is not something that's necessary when you take your vows? Isn't one of them to honor? How can you be sure their vows are true if you don't trust them 100%?

I'm not being snide, really. I'm trying to understand your point of view.
 
greenfreak said:
I'm not getting in the middle of your bitchfight but this comment has me puzzled:


If you don't trust someone 100% before you marry then I think you should postpone that wedding. I've got a lot of other views on what the pre-requisites of marraige are but I'd like to hear yours first.

Are you saying that complete trust in your fiance is not something that's necessary when you take your vows? Isn't one of them to honor? How can you be sure their vows are true if you don't trust them 100%?

I'm not being snide, really. I'm trying to understand your point of view.
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What I'm saying is that trust is something which you can continually build on. Much like love and respect is something which you can continually build on.

If you think that you can say "I couldn't possibly trust this person any more than I do now" the moment that you get married...then you've stagnated. Ditto if you say that you couldn't love them any more.

How can anyone say that they'd trust someone with their own child until they've witnessed that person with a child? I'd trust them with our money and finances until you've shared moneys and finances? etc...

People are constantly growing and changing, experiencing new things etc... if you try to predict how someone will act in a new situation, and state that you trust them 100% to act according to your prediction, you are taking a big chance.

What I'm saying is that until you've experienced someone under 100% of circumstances, you can't possibly guage how trustworthy they'll be, nor should you give up on the person.

That's what 'building a relationship' is all about.
 
MrBishop said:
What I'm saying is that trust is something which you can continually build on. Much like love and respect is something which you can continually build on.

If you think that you can say "I couldn't possibly trust this person any more than I do now" the moment that you get married...then you've stagnated. Ditto if you say that you couldn't love them any more.
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I think it means trust them to keep the vows. Remember...this is about cheating.

Bish said:
That's what 'building a relationship' is all about.
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If you're at the point of marriage, your trust issues should be over anyway. You've been with this person for a while, right? If you get hitched before you get to know the person, then you're foolish, anyway, so what happens happens.
 
Build the relationship into a marriageable partnership. Don't marry & build fron there.
 
I can honestly say that I will trust my wife's judgement in any sitaution I can think of. Moreover, I could say that when I married her. If you can't, you're fucking up by getting married. And yes, it really is that simple.
 
Maybe it's because Rusty and I will have been together so many years before getting married; which is unusual these days.

I think what you're describing is reinforcing an existing trust, not adding on to it. To me you have trust or you don't when it comes to a life relationship.
 
greenfreak said:
Maybe it's because Rusty and I will have been together so many years before getting married; which is unusual these days.
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Not really when you think about it. The ex and I were together for 7 1/2 yrs before getting married. One of my friends was with his 6 years before getting married, another was also 71/2. It depends on the people and the relationship.
 
greenfreak said:
Maybe it's because Rusty and I will have been together so many years before getting married; which is unusual these days.

I think what you're describing is reinforcing an existing trust, not adding on to it. To me you have trust or you don't when it comes to a life relationship.
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Even if you trust them 100% when you marry you still learn to trust them more as time goes on, same as the love you feel when you marry is undisputable ,the little things they do and don't do over the marriage makes your love grow stronger as the years go by even though you believed that it couldn't get any moreso when you married.





Back to the original question

It would depend on my connection with the friends spouse .I have friends who I fish,play road hockey , etc .. and aren't really connected to thier spouse so it wouldn't bother me ,why should it .Now if it were friends where I went to dinner at their house and they came to my place for BBQs or it was a siblings spouse then I'd be more pissed at the individual both for cheating and puttting me in a position where I now know .
 
Umm, how, exactly, do you trust more than 100%? Trust either is or isn't when you get to this stage. Love, on the other hand, by its very nature will continue to mature and develop.
 
HomeLAN said:
Umm, how, exactly, do you trust more than 100%? Trust either is or isn't when you get to this stage. Love, on the other hand, by its very nature will continue to mature and develop.
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Maybe "confirmed* " would have been a better choice of words ,but as the relationship grows and transforms there are new reasons to confirm there trust goes out of town for several days,goes out with their friends to a bar etc..... The base of the trust grows as the significant other confirms you trust with every new situation.I'm not saying you don't trust the individual until they get home ,I'm saying that because they confirm your trust ,you trust them more (not that thats possible:alienhuh: )

*its early and I haven't finnished my coffee yet and can't find my Thesaurus.
 
the point of trust is it not needing to be confirmed. it is confirmed every day by actions that the other is never aware of. the only time trust is an issue is when it's broken.
 
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