Cheating
- Thread starter greenfreak
- Start date
A.B.Normal
New Member
Gato_Solo said:
Found an online Thesaurus should have said "affirm" not confirm.
Since when does not taking the others trust/trustworthiness for granted and appreciating their faith in themselves and you translate into "testing it".
I know when my wife goes out of my sight and she knows when I leave hers that neither of us would do anything to break that trust ,that in no way means that everytime I see her and she sees me that the trust isn't affirmed.
Hope that makes more sense
greenfreak
New Member
I'm speaking in generalities worldwide. The trend has been shorter "courtings" and shorter marraiges which leads to many more divorces than, say, 10-20 years ago.Uki Chick said:
That was my point before of using the word reinforce. Complete trust is not considering "what might happen" if they go out of town for several days or a new situation comes up because you don't have to be concerned when you trust someone 100%.Maybe "confirmed* " would have been a better choice of words ,but as the relationship grows and transforms there are new reasons to confirm there trust goes out of town for several days,goes out with their friends to a bar etc..... The base of the trust grows as the significant other confirms you trust with every new situation.I'm not saying you don't trust the individual until they get home ,I'm saying that because they confirm your trust ,you trust them more (not that thats possible)
We have never questioned each other's trust. Using your example, I travelled for work 5 out of 7 days of the week for months when we first started living together. I stayed in hotels, hung out with new people from new job sites daily, went to bars with my co-workers, most of which were male, some of which could be termed good looking. To a non-trusting or jealous boyfriend, that could be torture. I just asked Rusty about it now and it was the first time it occurred to him that there would be any question of trust. It just doesn't matter.
On the same token, Rusty has gone to bachelor parties, strip clubs, etc with his friends. I've encouraged it, it makes no difference to me. He's not going to molest a stripper. How do I know that? Because I trust him.
Trust is something you build when the relationship is new; I can understand the concept of earning trust. But not if you've been together long enough to responsibly consider marraige and sharing the rest of your lives together. If you don't have it by that point, there's a problem. (at least to me!)
greenfreak
New Member
I would remove him from my life, completely. He's well aware of that too, it was made clear in the beginning of our relationship. For me, there is no forgiveness for that and there can never be trust again. Ever.Winky said:
It's happened to me before and I although I didn't have as much time in the relationship as I do with Rusty, I was devastated. And I kept my promise, I never spoke to him again except to berate him in front of his new girlfriend (the one he cheated on me with) at my sister's wedding.
MrBishop
Well-Known Member
Not misguided...just learned a different lesson.Inkara1 said:
I ALSO once met a girl, got married (Prof was the Best Man) moved in together and divorced after about the same amount of time as you. What I learned?
When I married her, I could've told you that I trusted her 100%...she didn't cheat on me, but when the going got tough, she chose not to fight for the relationship. She refused to talk about it with me, refused relationship counsellors, refused to talk it over with family or friends, refused all possible avenues of succour.
I had trusted her to give enough of a fuck about our relationship and marriage to actually put up a fight. We'd dated for 5 years before we married (not living together) . I was sure that I had it at 100%, but the truth is...you don't know a person until you've lived with'em, shared the ups and downs with'em. Especially the downs! It's the downs that show who'll stand up and fight with you. It's the downs where you get tested in your fidelity...not just physical fidelity (Cheating), but emotional, social, and financial.
You may think that you trust them 100%, you may firmly believe that you trust them 100%... but then again, so did most people who married and a 50%+ divorce rate should speak volumes about the belief in trust and the actual application thereof.
greenfreak
New Member
What's worse is that the cheater and I introduced them. Double dates and all that jazz. They met, were married, and divorced in just over 2 year's time.Gonz said:
The people in my life have given me plenty of examples of what not to do.
greenfreak
New Member
I agree. Perhaps people trust too easily, without making an "informed decision" regarding your relationship. Maybe my version of 100% trust is different from yours, and that's where the discrepancy comes in.MrBishop said:
I think I'm a much less trusting person than I was in my 20's, maybe that comes from being constantly dissapointed in people. I shudder to think of what would have come of my life had I turned a blind eye to the responsibilities of marraige and married any of my ex-boyfriends.
I agree about that also. It's more "accepted" than it's ever been so these people are taking chances on their spouses and figure, hey, I can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out. No big deal. They have their exit route before they even enter into marraige.
HomeLAN
New Member
MrBishop said:
No you either trusted them, or you didn't. You might have been wrong to trust them, but the trust itself (once again) either exists at that stage, or it doesn't. If you were wrong to trust them, it might speak to judgement, but not to any ongoing change in whether you trusted them leading up to the carnage.
The 50% divorce rate speaks again to judgement, IMO. When you decide to fall in with the culture of instant gratification at all costs, your judgement goes out the window, in indeed you were ever taught to think that way at all. The result is bad marriage choices, and thus a high divorce rate.
MrBishop
Well-Known Member
Granted, HL. "it might speak to judgement" - but you make judgments based on what evidence you have.
That's why I say that trust grows.
I love MrsBish...we're not married but common law with 1 5/6th kids. At this point in time, I can say that I trust her 100%. We've been through plenty of shit and good times together. She and I are in it for the long haul...we will even marry eventually.
We're both divorced. We were both in love with our spouces, trusting etc... Her hubby didn't cheat, but after a few years decided that beating on her was a good thing. Mine tripped on a pebble on life's road, lay down and decided to stay there.
That's why I say that trust grows.
I love MrsBish...we're not married but common law with 1 5/6th kids. At this point in time, I can say that I trust her 100%. We've been through plenty of shit and good times together. She and I are in it for the long haul...we will even marry eventually.
We're both divorced. We were both in love with our spouces, trusting etc... Her hubby didn't cheat, but after a few years decided that beating on her was a good thing. Mine tripped on a pebble on life's road, lay down and decided to stay there.
MrBishop
Well-Known Member
a combination of timing and money. I know....a civil ceremony is cheap, who needs a reception? Why go through all the trouble of having lots of people there etc etc...Gonz said:
Well...We want to get Married. We want to do it right. We want friends and family there to help us celebrate the ceremony and marriage. Perhaps not the big religious ceremony...but the rest.
I've said before that the difference between what relationship we have now and marriage is a piece of paper. Emotionally, between the two of us, that's the case. So, Marriage can wait.
That doesn't stop us from wanting to make a big deal out of it. She eloped the last time...doesn't want to do that again. Both of our families would love to be there when we tie the knot. We both want our families and friends to be there.
So...we wait. I've got to get a secure, full-time job and pay off some bills that come with not having had a secure full-time job. We save up some cash, pick a date and send off the invites.