Dumbest and best jokes you ever heard (Warning may not be suitable for children)

A guy, who we'll call Steve, goes into the woods one day on a bear hunt. After hours of stalking he spots a black bear cub in a clearing. He shoots the cub and immediately feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see a large black bear looking at him.
The bear says "That was a terrible thing to do. Now I'm either going to maul you to death, or we can have sex." Steve doesn't want to die so he consents to the sex. Steve is badly injured and spends several weeks in the hospital recovering, all the while vowing revenge.

After Steve leaves the hospital he spends weeks tracking down the bear that assaulted him, before finally locating him in a clearing. With great satisfaction he kills the bear. And immediately feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see an even bigger black bear. The bear says "That was a terrible thing to do. Now I'm either going to maul you to death, or we can have rough sex." Steve doesn't want to die so he consents to the sex. Steve is terribly injured and spends months in the hospital recovering, all the while vowing revenge.

After Steve leaves the hospital again he spends several more weeks tracking down the bear that assaulted the second time, before finally locating him in a clearing. With great satisfaction he kills the bear. And immediately feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see a grizzly bear. The bear says "That was a terrible thing to do. Now I'm either going to maul you to death, or we can have really rough sex." Steve still doesn't want to die so he consents to the sex. Steve is horribly mangled and spends the next year in rehab recovering, all the while vowing revenge.

After Steve leaves the hospital for the third time he spends a couple months looking the bear that assaulted him, before finally locating him in a clearing. With great satisfaction he kills the bear. And immediately feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around this time to see a a giant polar bear. The polar bear looks at him and says "Admit it Steve. You don't come out here for the hunting."
 
A man's son three year old birthday was coming up and he deicided to buy his son a ping pong ball set. when he gave it to his son, his son loved it, but when his father came home one he looked and the set hadn't been touched but all the ping pong balls were gone, he had figured his son lost them and shrugged it off.

when his son was turning six years old he asked his son what he wanted and his son said "ping pong balls" and his dad was like "..wha ping pong balls? wouldn't you rather have a bike or something?" and his son said "no ping pong balls" so his father got him a bike and in the basket was filled with ping pong balls. when his father came home from work the bike wasn't touched but the ping pong balls were missing, he looked around abit but didn't find them so ignored it.

when his son turned 16 he asked his son, what do you want for your birthday and his son said "ping pong balls" and his father goes "..ping pong balls..ok..but why not a car?" and his son goes "..no ping pong balls" and his father says "..alright then". for his birthday his dad got him a car full of ping pong balls. when his dad came home the next day the car was opened but all the ping pong balls were missing, he just ignored it not knowing what to think.

his son was going to go to college and his dad asked him what he would like and his son said "ping pong balls" and his father goes "..again ping pong balls? wouldn't you rather have me pay for your dorm or something?" and his son says "no ping pong balls" and his father says well alright, he pays for a dorm filled with ping pong balls. the next time he came to see his son at college the ping pong balls were missing, he looked all threw the dorm but couldn't find them anywhere but let it go once again.

when his son was going to get married his father asked him what he wants as a wedding gift and his son said "ping pong balls" and he said "...ok..but how about I pay for a house for you and your wife?"
and he says "no I want ping pong balls" so his father pays for a house, full of ping pong balls. when his father came to help his son move everything in the house the next day, all the ping pong balls were missing, he had no clue were they could have gone.

alittle while later his son was said to have cancer and would die in a few days, his father visited his son in the hospital and said "son I'd like to know what I can get you as a last gift" and his son says "ping pong balls" and his father says "...alright" and he brings him a basket of ping pong balls. the next day his father came to see his son and the ping pong balls were all gone. He looked at his son and asked "son.. before you go can you please tell me what happened to all those ping pong balls I gave you?" and his son said "what I did with the ping pong balls? well i'll tell you I.." then he died.
 
unclehobart said:
"what I did with the ping pong balls? well i'll tell you I.." then he died.
Click to expand...
That's just fucking wrong.

Ok, longest bad joke I know.

There's this fly flying over a river. Down in the water is a fish, the fish is looking up at the fly and thinking, "If that fly would just drop six inches, I could jump out of the water and get it." Well, on the shore is a Bear, and the bear is watching the fly and the fish thinking "If that fly just drops six inches, the fish will jump out of the water and get it, and I can grab that fish without getting wet" Well, across the shore is a mouse, the mouse is watching a sandwich sitting on a picnic basket, and the bear across the river thinking "When that bear swipes at that fish, those people will look across the river and I can go get that sandwich." Well, theres a cat, watching the mouse, thinking "When that bear swipes at that fish, the people are going to look across the river and the mouse is going to go for that sandwich, then I can catch the mouse while he's concentrating on the sandwich"

Well, sure enough, the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps out of the water, catches the fly, the bear swipes at the fish, catching it. The people look across the river, the mouse goes for the sandwich and the cat pounces, and misses, falling into the river.











The moral: Whenever a fly drops six inches, a pussy is gonna get wet.




Best joke:

A chicken and an egg are sitting in bed, the chicken is smoking a cigarette and the egg looks really pissed off. Suddenly the egg says "WELL, I guess that answers that question."
 
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
 
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
 
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
 
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnaped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as
she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
 
How doe MJ pick his nose?
With a catalog.

What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One's white, made from plastic, and harmful to children, the other you
carry your groceries in.

Why did Pepsi fire MJ?
Coz he was caught sucking on a Squirt!

How do we know MJ is guilty?
Because he's been fingered by several children.

What is MJ's new book called?
The Ins & Outs of Child Rearing.

When is it bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand is on the little hand.

Why does MJ want to be a jockey?
Because he heard they ride 3 year olds.
 
What do you call ten blondes holding hands in a circle?

A dope ring

What does a blonde say after sex?

Either, what's your name? or So y'all on the same team?
 
Why did the little girl fall off of the swing?

She had no arms.



What's grey and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A carpark.



What's E.T. short for?

He's only got little legs.
 
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