Dumbest and best jokes you ever heard (Warning may not be suitable for children)

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day: when you just need to take it out on someone, don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!

Now get this...

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely, saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Garter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word, "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, as I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-xxxx.

A few weeks later, I had to pick up something at the mall. An old lady in the parking lot really took her time pulling out of the space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave, but I waited because the lot was packed that day. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great," I thought, "she's finally leaving."

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "this guy's a jackass... there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world."

I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-xxxx and yelling, "you're a jackass" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Is this the guy with the black Camaro for sale?"

'Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're a jackass!"

And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now, when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call.

Then, after several weeks of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled 'You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?"

I said, "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like l'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find Out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, Jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. I placed another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to West 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! Watching two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the Channel 13 News Crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
 
unclehobart said:
A man's son three year old birthday was coming up and he deicided to buy his son a ping pong ball set. when he gave it to his son, his son loved it, but when his father came home one he looked and the set hadn't been touched but all the ping pong balls were gone, he had figured his son lost them and shrugged it off.

when his son was turning six years old he asked his son what he wanted and his son said "ping pong balls" and his dad was like "..wha ping pong balls? wouldn't you rather have a bike or something?" and his son said "no ping pong balls" so his father got him a bike and in the basket was filled with ping pong balls. when his father came home from work the bike wasn't touched but the ping pong balls were missing, he looked around abit but didn't find them so ignored it.

when his son turned 16 he asked his son, what do you want for your birthday and his son said "ping pong balls" and his father goes "..ping pong balls..ok..but why not a car?" and his son goes "..no ping pong balls" and his father says "..alright then". for his birthday his dad got him a car full of ping pong balls. when his dad came home the next day the car was opened but all the ping pong balls were missing, he just ignored it not knowing what to think.

his son was going to go to college and his dad asked him what he would like and his son said "ping pong balls" and his father goes "..again ping pong balls? wouldn't you rather have me pay for your dorm or something?" and his son says "no ping pong balls" and his father says well alright, he pays for a dorm filled with ping pong balls. the next time he came to see his son at college the ping pong balls were missing, he looked all threw the dorm but couldn't find them anywhere but let it go once again.

when his son was going to get married his father asked him what he wants as a wedding gift and his son said "ping pong balls" and he said "...ok..but how about I pay for a house for you and your wife?"
and he says "no I want ping pong balls" so his father pays for a house, full of ping pong balls. when his father came to help his son move everything in the house the next day, all the ping pong balls were missing, he had no clue were they could have gone.

alittle while later his son was said to have cancer and would die in a few days, his father visited his son in the hospital and said "son I'd like to know what I can get you as a last gift" and his son says "ping pong balls" and his father says "...alright" and he brings him a basket of ping pong balls. the next day his father came to see his son and the ping pong balls were all gone. He looked at his son and asked "son.. before you go can you please tell me what happened to all those ping pong balls I gave you?" and his son said "what I did with the ping pong balls? well i'll tell you I.." then he died.
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I still love this joke.
 
Zach tells this one and I laugh every time.

Zach - *dead serious encyclopaediakid face*I heard on the news tonight that the government is going to pass a law making it so farmers can't make round hay bales anymore. :blank:

Victim - *retarded face* why? :retard:

Zach - *deadpan* Because the animals aren't getting square meals. :blank:
 
Leslie said:
Zach tells this one and I laugh every time.

Zach - *dead serious encyclopaediakid face*I heard on the news tonight that the government is going to pass a law making it so farmers can't make round hay bales anymore. :blank:

Victim - *retarded face* why? :retard:

Zach - *deadpan* Because the animals aren't getting square meals. :blank:
Click to expand...

i fell for that one
 
An Irishman is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds! Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Irishman just shrugs, "That's about average in Ireland, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Irish baby boy."



Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.



Two weeks later the Irishman returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"



The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."



The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."



The Irish father takes a slow swig from his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
 
> The government today announced that it is changing
> its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more
> accurately reflects the government's political
> stance.
> A condom allows for inflation, halts production,
> destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of
> pricks, and gives you a sense of security while
> you're actually being screwed.
 
This family's pit bull is really sick, so they take it to the vet, and the vet examines the dog, comes out holding it and says "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put your dog down." The family asks, "Why?" and the vet says, "Because he's too heavy!"
 
Two muffins were in an oven. One said, "It's hot in here!" The other said, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
 
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How the hell do you drive this thing?"
 
Did you hear about the lepers' hockey game? They had to end it early after there was a face off in the corner.
 
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