Joke Box

Manure

​


- In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

​
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

​
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

​
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

​
Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this
word. Neither did I.



​
I had always thought it was a golf term.
 
1. The banner ad is for manure testing.
2. I always thought it was a mechanic's term.
 
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.
 
A man went to the doctor because he had a piece of lettuce stuck in his butt. After thorough testing, the doctor came into the waiting room with a distressed look on his face. The patient said "what is it doctor, is it bad?" The doctor replied "is it bad? That's just the tip of the iceburg!"
 
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago...

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
 
chcr said:
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting in my swing on the front porch enjoying the warm spring evening, when a young man crept up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just lay down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Click to expand...

Professur said:
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago...

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Click to expand...

Is there an echo in here? :p
 
repost4bq.jpg


Prof and Inky, you guys are my buddies, but I just had to post this picture.
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied.
"Divorce Attorney."
 
Inkara1 said:
Sorry... my bites and nibbles are reserved for the girlfriend. I'm sure you understand.
Click to expand...

how does she feel that you're reserved all your suck for OTC?

Just a joke. You got me fair and square, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I go through all the effort (and at that time of night no less) to bring you what I think is a good joke, just to be told "we already heard it". Do you do that to your Grandmother too? Do you tell her that you think the sweater that she gave you for Christmas .. the sweater that she spent hours agonizing over whether you might like it or not, being accosted by the sweaty, smelly rank and file at Walmart ... do you tell her that it'll look great hanging in the closet right next to the identical one you bought for yourself last week? Do you tell her thanks for nothing too? *sob*
 
I'm told "I already heard it" for probably half the jokes I tell. Worse yet, I'm usually the one that already told it... I always forget what I've told who and when. Melissa seems to be doing a good job dealing with that so far. <3
 
So the organ player for a small local church was sick and the preacher man needed to find a replacement right quick. He called everyone in the whole congregation and no one else could play the organ. Not one. He didn't know what to do, but finally he did find a little kid who had been taking piccolo lessons for about three weeks and volunteered to play at church that Sunday.

Come Sunday, the preacher leads a prayer for the organ player and explains that the poccolo player will be accompanying the hymns this week. He then tells the congregation to turn to hymn 125.

"Oh, Mr. Preacher Man, I hope you don't play hymn 125," said the piccolo player. "That one's hard and I don't think I can play it, Mr. Preacher Man."

"Cancel that," said the preacher. "Turn your books to hymn 154."

"Oh, Mr. Preacher Man, I really hope you don't play 154," said the piccolo player."It's too hard; I don't think I can play that one."

"OK... everyone, turn to hymn 162."

"Mr. Preacher Man," said the piccolo player, but before he could finish, someone in the back of the congregation yelled, "The piccolo player is a motherfucker!"

The preacher was pretty obviously bothered by this turn of events.

"OK, we're not going to have any of this shit," said the preacher. "Will the man who called my piccolo player a motherfucker please stand up?"

No one stood up.

"Will the man sitting next to the man who called my piccolo player a motherfucker stand?"

No one stood.

"Will the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man who called my piccolo player..."

"Mr. Preacher Man," someone yelled from the back of the church. "I'm not the man who called your piccolo player a motherfucker, nor am I the man sitting next to him, or sitting next to the man sitting next to the man who called your piccolo player a motherfucker. But I just want to know: who called that motherfucker a piccolo player?"
 
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge
crowd. The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, the Speaker says to the Pope, "Did
you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But
did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY
person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts,
and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The Speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.
 
A young woman, a middle-aged woman, and an elderly woman were friends and doing the shopping thing together when they passed a lingerie store. The mannequin in the window featured a black leather corset, thigh-high black leather boots, and a black leather mask. The women had just been complaining that their sex lives had become stale, so on a dare, they all purchased the black leather outfits. The next day they had lunch together to compare notes. The youngest woman said, "My boyfriend came over, saw me in the black leather and went wild! We did it right there on the kitchen table"!
The middle-aged woman said, "My husband came home from work yesterday, and he was kind of freaked out at first, but got into the spirit of things and we had the best sex that we've had in years"!
They turned to the oldest lady. She said, "Well, my old man came home, took one look at me and said, 'Alright, what's for supper, Batman?"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top