Joke Box

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas
State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd
just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
 
Ask any New Yorker how to get to Carnegy Hall and the reply will be
"practice, practice, practice".
Never ask directions in New York !

As I climbed into a cab in New York City, I asked the driver, "Can you tell me how to get to Wall St., or should I go F--k myself first?"
 
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.

As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked “Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tact.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e

y-o-u-r

p-e-o-p-l-e

g-o-i-n-g

t-o

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e

H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"
 
How To Make A Baby!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a

surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now.
The
man should be here soon."


Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am",

he said, "I've come to..."



"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been

expecting you."



"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did
you know babies are my specialty?"


"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and

have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"


"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."


"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!"


"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if

we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm

sure you'll be pleased with the results."



"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.



"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that."


"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.



The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.



"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.



"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."



"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
get a good look"


"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.



"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,

too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in."


Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?"


"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away."



"Tripod?"



"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's

much too big to be held in the hand very long."


Mrs. Smith fainted!!
Click to expand...
 
Thanks Mom

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way"

18. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

22. My Favorite: My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

23. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
Click to expand...

:rofl3:
 
Little Johnny was sitting quietly in class for once as the teacher was writing on the blackboard, when one of the other boys suddenly starts giggling. The teacher glared at him and demanded what he found so funny.
" I can see your bra, Miss." he chuckled
Outraged, the teacher tells him "Get out of here. You're suspended for two days".

A few minutes latter, another boy starts to titter.
"And what do you find so funny?" she growled.
"I can see your bra too, Miss." says the second boy.
A towering fury best describes the teacher's mood now. "Get out!" she shrieks, "You're suspended for two months!"
As she starts to write again, she's so angry that she drops the chalk. When she bends over to pick it up, a loud riiiiip can be heard. Little Johnny quietly gathers his books together and heads for the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" asks the teacher, trying to conceal her disgrace.
Little johnny answers, "With what I just saw, my school days are over
 
What horroible thing happens if Barac gets elected President?

We become an Obomanation.
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
 
An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just thething. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."


The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!

"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."
"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that restaurant any more!!"
 
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