Joke Box

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course
she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe
we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting
into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife
on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I
have to get up in the morning! You don't."
 
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A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads,

"I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
 
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in
the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
 
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you
use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
 
Everyone see those ads for Gatorade being created at the University of Florida? Well, Florida State was developing a beverage just like it at the same time, but they just couldn't compete for some reason. It turns out no one wanted to drink Seminole Fluid.
 
This one's for Gonz
***



Tragedy

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.

The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what
seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his
scrubs but with a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart's still
beating."

"Oh, Dear God this is terrible!" cried his wife, her hands clasped
against her cheeks with shock.

"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"


 
I'd change "heart attack" to "stroke" to have it make more sense... otherwise, I have a few family members that might get a kick out of that one. :D
 
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad,
can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! Gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? t hought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
She inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm... you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us.. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he
did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.

Tears were now running down her face, laughing..."It's just...

that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... Its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizards and our son back into the car.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,". Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
 
Gonz said:
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
Click to expand...


That's the first thing I thought of. :lol:

Good story Gonz. I gotta say that the sarcastic, snotty wife retorts sounded quite familiar.
 
A man goes into a confessional and says to the priest "Forgive me father, for I have sinnned ... I used the name of the lord in vain"

Priest: "Go on, my son"

Man: "I was playing golf and I sliced badly off the first tee and my ball went in to the woods"

Priest: "Understandable, say a Hail Mary"

Man: "But that's not when I sinned, father, because when I got to the ball, I actually had a good lie and a clear shot to the green, but just as I was lining up my shot, a squirrel came down and grabbed my ball and carried it up into the tree"

Priest: "Well, it is still understandable, say ...."

Man: "But that's not when I used the name of the lord in vain either, because a bird flew by and grabbed the squirrel and flew off"

Priest: "And then you used the name of the lord in vain?"

Man: "No, because the squirrel dropped the ball and it landed 1 inch from the cup"

Priest: "JESUS CHRIST! Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"
 
Young man and his girlfriend were discussing their financial situation.

The young women says " Honey , I'm afraid that to make ends meet , you'll have to give up your beer"

"WHAT!!" he crys."My beer?? Well , I guess I can if it will help"

Few days later he runs into his girlfriend at the cosmetics counter and the clerk is handing her a bag and says "that'll be $608.99"

He confronts her.. "WHAT!! I had to give up my beer and you're spending $600 bucks on cosmetics!!"

"But dear" she coo's"it's so I will look pretty for you"

"But honey" he replies "what did you think all that beer was for??"
 
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
 
Gonz said:
Young man and his girlfriend were discussing their financial situation.

The young women says " Honey , I'm afraid that to make ends meet , you'll have to give up your beer"

"WHAT!!" he crys."My beer?? Well , I guess I can if it will help"

Few days later he runs into his girlfriend at the cosmetics counter and the clerk is handing her a bag and says "that'll be $608.99"

He confronts her.. "WHAT!! I had to give up my beer and you're spending $600 bucks on cosmetics!!"

"But dear" she coo's"it's so I will look pretty for you"

"But honey" he replies "what did you think all that beer was for??"
Click to expand...

I'll bet the beer was cheaper too.

MrBishop said:
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Click to expand...

:rofl:
 
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the
Supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise
their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their
hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their
hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a
ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shucks!! From way back there I thought you said goats."
 
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused
state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised
to find her husband in
a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his
employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,
he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd
been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed
more than thirty years
of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1
million. Then she showed
him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which
were worth over $2 million, and informed him
that they were one of the largest depositors in the
bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she
had "charged" him for
sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings
and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and
investments worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could barely
speak, but finally he
found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea
what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep
their mouths shut.
 
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