Joke Box
- Thread starter MrBishop
- Start date
chcr
Too cute for words
Long one, sorry...
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through
a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Little did I suspect…
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect
lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown
furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop
immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the
road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very
fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that
close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a
motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never
fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was
standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie
with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed
and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe,
"Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing
short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me
squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know
better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies
along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of
activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding
gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry
little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph
down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a
squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally
managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil
rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right
curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The
matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could
have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this
was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry
squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands
and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding
thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and
resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He
also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not
improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was
startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw,
only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my
jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand
and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can
only have one result.
Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,=
and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his
back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on
the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did =
not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had
not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply=
overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect
against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI
attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE
my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am
quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the
squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I
was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end
started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy
squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now =
the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled =
him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This
time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled
off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to
do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome
cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and
wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one
wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength
throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the
front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded
to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross
street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back).
I really would have. Really... Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned
about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides
of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger
side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard,
quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's
seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police
car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and
upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel
in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous
squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car
... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right
turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided
it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of
Band-Aids.
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through
a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Little did I suspect…
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect
lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown
furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop
immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the
road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very
fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that
close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a
motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never
fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was
standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie
with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed
and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe,
"Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing
short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me
squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know
better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies
along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of
activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding
gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry
little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph
down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a
squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally
managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil
rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right
curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The
matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could
have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this
was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry
squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands
and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding
thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and
resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He
also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not
improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was
startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw,
only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my
jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand
and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can
only have one result.
Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,=
and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his
back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on
the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did =
not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had
not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply=
overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect
against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI
attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE
my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am
quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the
squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I
was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end
started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy
squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now =
the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled =
him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This
time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled
off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to
do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome
cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and
wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one
wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength
throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the
front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded
to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross
street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back).
I really would have. Really... Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned
about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides
of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger
side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard,
quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's
seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police
car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and
upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel
in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous
squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car
... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right
turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided
it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of
Band-Aids.
FluerVanderloo
New Member
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
FluerVanderloo
New Member
... I think I killed it. 
chcr
Too cute for words
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.
American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education! "The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America! The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.
American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education! "The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America! The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."
Altron
Well-Known Member
So a rabbi sends his son to Israel to get him to become more jewish, btu when he comes back he has become a christian. So he goes to the head rabbii in NYC and asks him for help because his son came back from jerusalem a christian, but the head rabbi in NYC just says, you too! I sent my son there and he came back christian too! So they both decide t ogo to the head rabbi in Israel, and they ask him "Rabbi, what shoudl I do? I sent my son to Jerusalem to become a better JEw and he came back christian! Well the head rabbi of israel said "yours too! my god, I think we will have to pray to god for an answer!" So they all go pray to god and ask him "GOd, how come when we sent our sons to Jerusalem to become better jews, they came back christian, and what shoiuld we do about it? But god just says "You too? Well, I have no idea, because the same thing happened to my son too!"
FluerVanderloo
New Member
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
Sad but true
haha, I've never heard this joke before but as soon as I read about the three rows with increasing sizes of bears I knew that was coming
I just didn't know what size she was gonna get!
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Two asses, they come together
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."
conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Two asses, they come together
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!
FluerVanderloo
New Member
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I
am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the
balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no
idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management. "I am,"
replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the
woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have
risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I
am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the
balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no
idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management. "I am,"
replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the
woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have
risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.
Gato_Solo
Out-freaking-standing OTC member
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his Commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", And the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down In their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts".
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the Home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started Booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a soda and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world Happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until This guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his Commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", And the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down In their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts".
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the Home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started Booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a soda and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world Happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until This guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"
A blonde motorist was pulled over by a blonde cop for speeding. The blonde cop walked up to the driver's door, and asked, "May I see your driver's license, please?"
The blonde motorist replied, "I don't know what it is. What does it look like?"
The blonde cop tell her, "It's a small rectangle shape with your picture on it."
The motorist looks in her purse, finds a small mirror, sees her reflection in it, hands it to the cop and says, "Ah, this must be it."
The cop looks at it, with a surprised look, hands it back, and says "Oh, I'm sorry.... didn't know you were a cop."
The blonde motorist replied, "I don't know what it is. What does it look like?"
The blonde cop tell her, "It's a small rectangle shape with your picture on it."
The motorist looks in her purse, finds a small mirror, sees her reflection in it, hands it to the cop and says, "Ah, this must be it."
The cop looks at it, with a surprised look, hands it back, and says "Oh, I'm sorry.... didn't know you were a cop."
Gato_Solo
Out-freaking-standing OTC member
There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. He was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.
"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. The man landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asked for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. He did it again, and nothing happened. By law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed . The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution.
It came to his last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites. He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.
They washed his hands to get rid of any traces of banana, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest. The law is the law; they had to let him go.
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. And it was not long before his temper got the better of him. Same old stuff. The old man had no ticket (he "forgot to buy it"). The conductor threw him off the train, and the man died in hospital. The conductor was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
As before, when it came to his last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners.
They strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead. The prison governor shook his head in disbelief, but authorized his release.
But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
The executioner screamed, "Then how come you don't die?"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.
"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. The man landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asked for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. He did it again, and nothing happened. By law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed . The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution.
It came to his last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites. He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.
They washed his hands to get rid of any traces of banana, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest. The law is the law; they had to let him go.
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. And it was not long before his temper got the better of him. Same old stuff. The old man had no ticket (he "forgot to buy it"). The conductor threw him off the train, and the man died in hospital. The conductor was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
As before, when it came to his last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners.
They strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead. The prison governor shook his head in disbelief, but authorized his release.
But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
The executioner screamed, "Then how come you don't die?"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."
Gato_Solo
Out-freaking-standing OTC member
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"
Gato_Solo
Out-freaking-standing OTC member
This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise.' So the old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..'