Justintime
Guest
its cool 
More jokes!
- Thread starter Justintime
- Start date
MitchSchaft
New Member
ahahahah! Damn this forum is slow tonight. I mean performance wise.
outside looking in
<b>Registered Member</b>
Yep... pretty slow.
I like the distracting women ones.
I like the distracting women ones.
BeardofPants
New Member
You wouldn't wanna eat anything outta those waters, would you?
*doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at the joke
*doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at the joke
MrBishop
Well-Known Member
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells,
"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells,
"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"
Mare
New Member
Dancer
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”
“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”
“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
A young guy from Texas moves to Colorado and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but the young man got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," replies the young man.
"Just one?" the boss exclaims. "Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
"$112,237.64," the young man replied.
The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
"First I sold him a small fish hook," the young man said. "Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and, after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
Astounded, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"
"No," said the young man. "He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!'"
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but the young man got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," replies the young man.
"Just one?" the boss exclaims. "Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
"$112,237.64," the young man replied.
The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
"First I sold him a small fish hook," the young man said. "Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and, after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
Astounded, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"
"No," said the young man. "He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!'"
Panoramic World
New Member
LOL This thread is funny. Keep em comming
Uki Chick
New Member
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following
> >> >> >
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"Emma come first.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Den I come.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Den two asses come together.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >I come once-a-more.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Two asses, they come together again.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >I come again and pee twice.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Then I come one lasta time."
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places
about our sex lives"
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how
to spell "Mississippi'."
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following
> >> >> >
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"Emma come first.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Den I come.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Den two asses come together.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >I come once-a-more.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Two asses, they come together again.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >I come again and pee twice.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Then I come one lasta time."
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places
about our sex lives"
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how
to spell "Mississippi'."
Panoramic World
New Member
LOL thats hysterical!
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream And Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure That Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to Size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil In which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained More weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose Those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and Cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming With nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the Starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and Still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent Double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into Cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream And Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure That Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to Size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil In which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained More weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose Those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and Cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming With nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the Starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and Still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent Double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into Cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.