SouthernN'Proud
Southern Discomfort
Dammit, now I'm hungry.
More jokes!
- Thread starter Justintime
- Start date
Dammit, now I'm hungry.
Uki Chick
New Member
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her" ...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her" ...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Uki Chick
New Member
A "Drop-Dead" gorgeous young Redhead goes into the doctor's office.
She tells the Receptionist that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
The Receptionist sensing the urgency of a quick diagnosis here stops what she is doing and goes to see the Dr. at once.
The Dr. immediately comes out and escorts the Redhead into one of his examination rooms.
He asked her what's wrong and she tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the Dr!
"Show me", he demands.
The Redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams in agony!
Then, she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony!
She pushes on her knee-cap and screams again!
Likewise when she pushes on her ankle and foot.
Screams permeate the office on every place that she touches.
The Dr. grabs her wrist and stops her.
He then says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."
She tells the Receptionist that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
The Receptionist sensing the urgency of a quick diagnosis here stops what she is doing and goes to see the Dr. at once.
The Dr. immediately comes out and escorts the Redhead into one of his examination rooms.
He asked her what's wrong and she tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the Dr!
"Show me", he demands.
The Redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams in agony!
Then, she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony!
She pushes on her knee-cap and screams again!
Likewise when she pushes on her ankle and foot.
Screams permeate the office on every place that she touches.
The Dr. grabs her wrist and stops her.
He then says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says.
"Your finger is broken."
Uki Chick
New Member
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play.
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words.....
"My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...
The audience left howling
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words.....
"My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...
The audience left howling
Uki Chick
New Member
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a
parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't
have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this
parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually
understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I
happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer
this -- how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very
embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap
my weenie around this wooden bar like a
little hook. You can't see it because of my
feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can
understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and
English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any
topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at
ornithology. You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm
defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can
probably get me for $20; just make the
guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with
the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes,
and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work
and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and
motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but
it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail
today, your wife greeted him at the door
in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.
"THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the
house and lifted up her nightie and began
petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the
nightie! , got down on his knees and began
to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN
WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and
fell off my perch!"
parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't
have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this
parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually
understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I
happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer
this -- how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very
embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap
my weenie around this wooden bar like a
little hook. You can't see it because of my
feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can
understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and
English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any
topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at
ornithology. You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm
defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can
probably get me for $20; just make the
guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with
the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes,
and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work
and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and
motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but
it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail
today, your wife greeted him at the door
in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.
"THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the
house and lifted up her nightie and began
petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the
nightie! , got down on his knees and began
to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN
WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and
fell off my perch!"
Cripes Nat!!
AllEars'
New Member
Don't Mess with little girls!!
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a Goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your damn cat."
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a Goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your damn cat."
Panoramic World
New Member
Uki Chick
New Member
>>A Professor was giving a lecture on " Involuntary Muscular
>>Contractions " to his first year medical students.
>>Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the
>>Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
>>He pointed to a young women in the front and said
>>"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while your having an
>>orgasm?"
>>She replied, " He's probably down at the bar with his friends"
>>Contractions " to his first year medical students.
>>Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the
>>Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
>>He pointed to a young women in the front and said
>>"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while your having an
>>orgasm?"
>>She replied, " He's probably down at the bar with his friends"