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Stop Laughing
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BeardofPants
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Camelyn
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So after the Second World War, the whole, you know, world was going, “Come on, Europe, give these countries back. Come on, you know, we’ve got a bloody war; let’s give ‘em back. Britain?” “Wha’?” “What’s that behind your back?” “Oh, it’s India and a number of other countries.” “Give ‘em back.” “Ohh, all right. There’s that one there and there’s that one and… Falkland Islands, oh we need the Falkland Islands…for strategic sheep purposes.” Yeah. And then it was a case of no empire no longer.
But in – in America it was different. The founding fathers landed in 16*motherfucking*. They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth! How lucky is that? “This is Plymouth? We’ve just come from Plymouth! We’ve gone round in a circle. Lads, back on the boats.” They finally got there and said, “Ahh, this is where our God has brought us to. We can – we can practice our religion here. We can raise a family. There’s nobody here!…excuse me. There’s nobody here! Yes, a land empty of human existe – who the fuck are these guys? What’s all this, please? No, we don’t want any of your food, thank you very much. Just put some clothes on!”
Meanwhile, meanwhile that winter, “’Scuse me, do you have any food? I love all this, love the idea. Hahahe, yes, I’m sorry, we were a bit brisk when we first arrived… We didn’t realize you owned the entire country! But you have no system of ownership! Mmm, interesting. Umm…maybe that can come in useful later – food! Thank you very much, very nice… Yes, there’re more of us coming but we’ll keep our promises.” So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years. And then President Clinton lied about a relationship. And everyone was surprised. A little naïve, I feel!
Everyone fucking lies! We were – when we were kids we lied our heads off! “I didn’t do it! I was – I wasn’t – I was dead at the time! I was on the moon! With Steve!” And your dad’s going, “I haven’t even accused you of anything yet.” “Oh, all right. Well – what is – what’s the que – well – I – I – well – what?” “Did you brush your teeth?” “No – yes – whi – what’s correct? Anywa – yeah. I was dead at the time!” Then when you’re more mature, you do start telling the truth in odd situations. “I’m sorry, I’ve broken the glass, see – I’ve broken this – is that a – an – expensive? – I’ve – I’ll – I’ve broke it – I’ll pay for that, I’m sorry.” And you do that so people in the room might go, “What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities.” “And I’ve broke other things, I smashed that, and…and that’s gone, and I’ve just thrown the cat out the window and…” Ooh, yeah.
So, per – you know, perjury, umm, you know. If you commit perjury, I – I don’t care. Don’t give a shit. I don’t think you should because you grade murder. You have murder one, murder two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder. So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury one is when you’re saying when you’re there’s no Holocaust when, you know 10 million people have died in it, and perjury…nine, is when you said you shagged someone when you didn’t. You know, it’s…
Uh, yuh, yuh. So yes, so it was – so in America, the Native American situation and with slavery didn’t do very well. Hmm. *cough* And in – in Europe now we’ve a new thing: the European Union. 500 million people, 200 languages – no one’s got a clue what there saying to each other! But it’s the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way. Because 15 diff – we’ve got 15 different countries in the European Union at the moment and trying to get them to decide anything is a little bit, “Whi – wha – whi – is it – oh no, here, back up, you – oh, you’re in with him, uh huh – I’m with – oh, you’re with him, and uh,” you know.
For 18 years we had a government in Britain who was a right-wing government and their policy towards Europe was one of “No! No! No! I can’t! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala! Lalalalala!” And now we’ve got a government whose policy is more. “Bonjour! Hola! Tag! Da! Bong bang baa! Bong bang baa! Buhhh. Ciao!”
Britain needs to be the driving seat of Europe. In the driving seat. Or in the passenger seat, that’s pretty good, you know, cause you can take a sleep for a little bit… “Uhhh… Are we there yet?” You know. At the moment, Britain’s not even in the European car. We’re outside the car, at the traffic lights, going, “We’re going to clean your windows, all right.” Yes.
And we had the Pagans in Britain. Cause you didn’t really have the Pagans here. You had the Native Americans and it was much more of a warrior, aboriginal-type existence, and…we had the Pagans. They were into sex, death, and religion in an interesting nighttime telly type of way.
And we had the Druids! Long white robes, long white beards, early transvestites, didn’t get their shaving together. And they built Stonehenge – one of the biggest henges in the world. No one’s built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what the fuck a henge is. Before Stonehenge, there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge. But a – but a big bad wolf came and blew them down, and three little piggies were relocated to the project. But they built Stonehenge. And it’s built in an area – in an area called Salisbury Plain in the south of England. And the area of Salisbury Plain where they built it is very ah-ah-ah-ah-oh-ah-oh-oh-oh-oh. Cause that’s good, you know. It’s a mystical thing; build it in a mystical area. You don’t want to build it in an area that’s yaa-da-daa-da-daa-daa-daa-baa-daa-daa-bup-doh-doh-doh-bup-dee-dee-daa. No, you build Trump Tower. Umm… But yeah, so they built it there.
And the stones! The stones are 50 foot high, 30 foot long, 20 foot deep, and other measurements as well. And the stones are not from round there! That’s the amazing thing. I mean, remember, this is B.C. *mumble*. This was before the B.C./A.D. changeover when everyone was going... You didn’t have to wind your watch back – you had to get a new bloody watch! As if A.D.’s enough – fuckinell… And the Muslim people going, “A.D? Who’s he?” Yes. Good laugh there.
And uh… So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away, in Wales. So these guys in Wales were obviously carving the rocks out of the v – very living mountain… “Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That’s a fantastic idea. That’s a marvelous religion the Druids have got. Yes, got a lot of white clothing, I like that. There we go.” And they smash out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on. “All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go.” Buuuhbuuuhuuh. “Help you push ‘em along. It’s not far, is it?” And the Druids going, “Heave everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you’re doing very well. You’ll love it when you see it. I’ve seen some of the drawings already, it’s very special.” After 200 miles, “You fucking bastards! You never told it was 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age – I don’t even know where I live now! *sigh* I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!” And they set all the stones up and the Druids still there tinkering around going, “No that stone and this one – can we swap them around?” So that was the Pagans.
And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece and conquered them and – and stole all their gods…and renamed them with Roman names. Cause the Roman gods before that were kind of crap, you know – Jeff, the god of biscuits. And Simon, the god of hairdos. And uh, you know, they had the god of war, the god of thunder, the god of running around and jumping and stuff and uh, “Oh, let’s get some of those! Thank God they’ve got some gods, cause we have these crap gods, you know…”
Yes, the Emperor Fabulous put that into operation and, uh… There should have been an Emperor Fabulous, shouldn’t there? “I am the Emperor Fabulous!” “Oh, yes, so you are.” “Yes. And my son, Fabulous II, and him – ” really – really interesting guy… So yeah, and the Greeks, uh, the – the Romans, they went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood...
Then Henry VIII came along, Henry VIII, a big hairy king, ummm, and uhh, he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church, “Mr. Pope! I’m going to marry my first wife, and then I’m going to divorce her. Now, I know what you’re going to say but stick with me – my story gets better. I’m going to marry my second wife and then I’m gong to kill her – cut her head off! Ahhhh, not expecting that, are ya? Hahaha! Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife – hoooa, hooo – ” And the Pope’s going, “You crazy bugger! You can’t do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can’t marry all these people! It’s illegal! You can’t do all thi – I am the Pope, I am the head of the church, I have to keep up st – ciao… I have to be respect… What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?” So Henry VIII, who was, uh, Sean Connery for this film: “Well then, I will shet up a new religion in thish country. I will sh – I will shet up – the – g – uh – the, uh, religion – the Pshychotic Bashtard religion.” And an advisor said, “Why not call it Church of England, shall we?” “Ch – Church of England!” “Yes sir, much better.” “Even though I am Shcottish myshelf.”
So they did! That’s the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That’s no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church – I mean, He – H – Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know. Rape – pillage, rape and pillage, that is.
The Protestant faith was different. That started, umm, uh, well, probably around a similar time, but that was about Martin Luther, this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, “ ‘ang on a minute.” But in German, so, “Ein Minuten, bitte. Ich habe einen kleinen Problemo avect dieser Religionay.” He was from everywhere. So yeah. So, and, uh, so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked, you know, on by Queen Elizabeth I a bit later. “…Oh, principles! Thank God! We’ve got some principles.”
Nowadays, Church of England is much more, “Hello, how are you.” Much more a hobby-type… ”Hello.” A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. “Hello, yes… Ha ha ha, yes, that’s what I thought. Ha ha. Do – do come in, you’re the only one today. Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine I found – that I found in a hedge. Now, uh, lipstick colors this, uh, season are in the, uh, frosted pink area and, uh, nail colors to match. And, uh, this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit. We will now sing four – hymn 405, “Oh God, What on Earth is, uh, is My Hairdo All About?” “Oh God, what on earth is my hai-airdo…”
There’s something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy going – joyous and it’s fucking amazing! And it’s born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that – and this joyous singing! And the Church of England, well, a – all those sort of Christian religions, which, uh – with – ah – which is mainly Caucasian white people, with all the power and money – enough apparent money to make Solomon blush. And – and they’re all singing, “Oh, God, oahhohh bied age is past, our hope for years…” They’re the only groups of people that could sing, “Halleluiah” without feeling like it’s a “Halleluiah!” thing. “Hal-le-lu-iah, Hal-le-lu-iah, joyfully we lark about.”
And… No, it’s – it’s just not kicking, is it? You know. God must be up – must be up there going, “What on earth is that?” God, who is James Mason. “What on earth is that, Jesus? Jesus Christ! What on earth is that?” “Don’t take my name in vain, Dad!” “Jezee Chrizee, what on earth is that?” “Don’t call me Jezee Chrizee. Look Dad, I went down there, I taught ‘em to be hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine, they split into different groups! You’ve got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians…the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers... The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we’ve had that checked out.” “And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?” “Oh, he’s useless, Dad. Got a sheet over his head these days.” [Holy Ghost:] “Ooooh…Holy Ghost…Holy Ghost…Holy Ghost!” [God:] “Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!” [Holy Ghost:] “I would have succeeded if it wasn’t for those pesky God and Jesus fellows!”
Cause Shaggy and Scooby are interesting characters. They’re two of the most major characters in American literature. Because, and I mean this sincerely, and I think it’s fantastic, because they are cowards. They are cowardly characters – they believe in cowardice and sandwiches. And, uh… And can you think of any in the whole realms of the English-speaking literature that – that – a – are characters like that? Cowardly characters that you identify with. Cause you identify with them! You’re with them all the way! “Go Shaggy! Go Scooby!” The rest of the guys who drive the van, “Fuck off!” “Scrappy Doo, a Magnum…” Puuuuh. “Thank you, Granddad.” Well remembered.
But Shaggy and Scooby, the only other character – I mean, tell me now if you can think of any character cause I’m – I’m willing to learn, but – somebody mentioned Falstaff, a Shakespearean character – it’s that level of greatness! Falstaff, is a chara – you sort of identify with him but he has a melancholy with him. But Shaggy and Scooby are upbeat all the time, saying, “Whoo, scra – Shaggy, whoo, whooo, whoo, whoo... Shaggy Scooby Sha – rohrohroh!” And you love ‘em! You’re with ‘em! There’s part of us that – Shaggy and Scooby at every stage of the way.
So if you travel around the world, and, you – you know, you know – cause your American foreign policy does give you a difficult time to exist around the world, two tricks: one, say you’re Canadian, that helps. And uh… It is, it works in Europe, it’s very good. And the second is, uh, just say, “Shaggy and Scooby.” And they go “Shaggy and Scooby!” International credit card, I think of…
So yeah. So the Pagan, uh, the Pagan religion, I don’t know a huge amount about. But the – it was this earthy thing. But the Christia – the – the Christianity had split into many different areas – Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone, “Boom, boom, boom, boom. Row, you bastards! Buhhuhh, duh, buh…you know.” Original sin! What a hellish idea that is. People have to go, “Father, bless me for I have sinned, I – I did an original sin – I – I poked a badger with a spoon.” “I’ve never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary’s and two Hello, Dolly’s.” “Oh, all right…” “Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor’s wife.” “Heard it. I want an original sin.” “Oh, I’m terribly sorry.”
The Anglican faith doesn’t have that. You’ll never go, “Vicar, I have done many bad things.” “Well, so have I.” “What shall I do?” “Well, drink five Bloody Mary’s and, uh, you won’t remember.” And because we – uh – the Anglican faith has a lack of – had a lack of principles for a long time. You can’t get really headstrong about it. You can’t – you can’t, say, you know, like, the – the – the – the Islamic jihads that we hear bout. We get scared about those Islamic jihads. I think we do assume that everyone who is – uh…is, uh, into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day. There’s a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, and we got to understand – remember, this is very important – and we do assume that jihads are just like, you know – j – everyday three jihads, uh, just issued by e – every individual. It just seems they’re everywhere – “The fruit shop shortchanged me! A fucking jihad on them.” Bump into someone, say, “Hey! A fucking jihad on you!” “How many jihads have you got going now, Dad?” “Well, 24.” “God, it’s difficult to keep up with them.” I just don’t think that’s happening.
So, um, but you can’t do that in Church of England. You ca – you can’t say, “You must have tea and cake with the Vicar, or you die!” You – you can’t have extreme points of view, you know. The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England. “Talk! Will you talk!” “But it hurts!” “Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine…”
Cause that’s what it would be. “Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death!” Students would be, “Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!” Ca – you know, cause, “Cake or death?” That’s a pretty easy question. Everybody – anyone could answer that. “Cake or death?” “Uhh, cake please.” “Very well! Give him cake!” “Oh, thanks very much. It’s very nice.” “You! Cake or death?” “Uh, cake for me, too, please.” “Very well! Give him cake, too! We’re gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?” “Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry…” “You said death first, ah ha, ah ha, death first!” “Well, I meant cake!” “Oh, all right. You’re lucky I’m Church of England!” “Cake or death?” “Uh, cake please.” “Well, we’re out of cake! Well, we only had three bits and we didn’t expect such a rush. So what do you want?” “Well, so my choice is ‘or death?” “Well, have the chicken then, please. Taste of humans, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much. Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?” “Uhh, I asked for the vegetarian.” “Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes, there we go, Mr. Hitler. There we go… Like a little wine? Thank you very much…you Nazi shithead.” So, yeah.
So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm… Cause *cough* Jesus, I do think did exist. You know, and, uh, he, uh, was a, I think, uh, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the, umm, Nelson Mandela-type area. You know, relaxed and groovy. And, uh, the Romans thought, “Relaxed and groovy, nooo no no no no.” Umm, so they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the…wood on the cross.
Well, you tell me! It’s got nothing to do with it, has it! You know, people going, uhh, “Remember kids,” the kids who’re eating the chocolate eggs, uhh, “Jesus died for your sins.” “Yeah, I know, it’s great! No, no no, it’s bad, it’s bad! No, it’s bad! It’s very bad. It’s terrible! Whatever you want, I mean – just keep giving me these eggs.”
And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, “Hey – you – what, are you going to put those crosses in our – bur – warrens? We live below this hill, all right?” Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It’s a festival – it’s the spring festival! Christmastime, you know, Jesus, uhhh, born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket. “Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?” “Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men.” “Well, what about a clockwork train?” “Oh, yes, much better. Forget – forget peace on earth, I don’t care.
And, you know, the f – the – Christmas, the fir tree, that – the – there’s none of them in Nazareth. The partridge in a pear tree song was not sung at the Last Supper. They weren’t there going, “ ‘And a partridge in a pear tree. Fiiive go-old riiings! Dadada…’ Come on, loosen up, Judas.” “Oh, all right…” “ ‘On the seventh day of Christma… Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up.” “Don’t call me Judy, I’ve told you!” “Ooohoohooh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy, I’m a bit short.” “Ahhh…” “Alright lads, um, Leonardo di Vinci’s painting the picture. All right, so everyone get your positions, here we go.” He’s going, “Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?” “Well, I don’t know – I just thought I’d do a big arms thing, I don’t know.” “Well, I’m going to do a big arms thing as well.” “Yeah, me too! I’ll call that the big arms…” “Look, we can’t all do big arms! We’ll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for fuck’s sake. I’ll do big arms and you just look at me and go, ‘Ooh, he’s doing big arms.’ ” “All right.” “Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting? All right, now a fun one as well, ‘member…ahhahahh…”
That partridge in a pear tree song, the – the only bit we like of it is that, “Fiiive go-old riiings!” People go berserk at that point. People come running in from other rooms – “Fiiive go-old riiings!” You know. The rest of it, we don’t know. Uhh, abo – above that, it’s just, “Twelve monkeys mating, eleven donkeys dancing, ten pigmies farming, nine socks a swimming, uh – fiiive go-old riiings!” This is a human thing. We only like to learn a little bit of a song. We can’t be bothered. Yeah. The American national anthem I’ve noticed is a bit hazy in the middle!
Cause it starts strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit’s a bit, “And fish in the sky, and a big monkey pie…” I’ve seen guys up there, halfway through, just losing it. “What the fuck is it?” “I came second, I’m from Turkey – I don’t know! Would you like some furniture?”
But in Britain we don’t win many gold medals at the Olympics – because we’ve chosen not to! It’s a political statement! Because we hate our national anthem. Because it’s God Save the Queen, you see. God Save the Queen. Now the Queen lives in a very big house, she has barbed wire outside, and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you. That’s the problem. She’s overly saved! She has no idea of the struggle of human existence. We have to work for a living, raise a family – we don’t have nannies all running around the place. It’s – it’s what you’ve got to do in your life. You know. So it’s “God Save the Queen.” No! It’s too saved. It’s “God Attack the Queen,” that’s what it should be! “God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her that bite her bum. Let them chase after her and let them…” That’d be fantastic! Then she’d have to fight the crazy dog with a – with a handbag with a brick inside of it. “Crazy dog! Crazy dog!” “Arrgghh, kill the Queen!” “No – crazy dog!” And maybe she’d kill the crazy dog and everyone in – in Britain would go, “Hell, fair play with the queen – killed the crazy dog.” And the Queen would go – have – she would have self-respect for the first time in her life! Yes. It would work. It’d be fan-tab-u-lous.
But you do sing the national anthem – I’ve seen you singing the national anthem, and I’ve worked out how to do it. If you look – if you’re lost in the middle of it and you’re singing the words, you know, because – it – the tenor systems at big stadiums, you know, it – it doesn’t matter, wherever you’re singing it. All that people care about is – is the look – because th – th – there’s figures on this – 70% of what people react to is the look, you know, it’s how you look; and there’s about – 20% is whi – about how you sound; and only 10% is what you say. So if you look good and sound good, just up there going, “*gibberish to a few bars of The Star Spangled Banner*” Big mouth! “[more gibberish to a few more bars]” The eyes! “[more gibberish]” Use that! “[more gibberish]” And keep confirming and denying things. “[more gibberish, up to the words ‘star spangled banner yet wave’]” Everyone will go wild!
Ummahhhahhho. Uh, oh yeah, oh yeah! I’m, uh, I’m an action transvestite, really, you know, umm, as well a – oh – actually, as well as being an executive transvestite, I’m an action transvestite! Cause it’s running, jumping, climbing tree, you know. So I went, uh, snowboarding when I was in Aspen. And – and – and you look cool, when you snowboard, you just look cool, you know? You cannot but look cool cause you’re nailed to a fucking plank of wood. As long as you’re vertical, you’re going, “Hey, yes.” Shhhh, shhhh. And you look – uh – skiing, you can be kinda wuuhhahhhuhhchhshuhhh. There’s a lot of that stuff. But this is just nrrrrnnn. And uh, and th – there’s only two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool; the second is DEAD! Right? Pow! So I was looking cool and I was going 50, 60 thousand miles an hour!
And… Cause you have no idea! The police never pull you over. They never, “Whooowhooo, whooowhooo, whooowhooo. Shhhhh.” “Ah, fuckinell. Nrrr.” “Shhhhh.” Cause the police need to be able to walk up to you in that kind of condescending way. “Ok, sonny Jim, what do you think you’re doing, eh?” You know, and they can’t do that on a snowboard because they have to go… “Your taillight’s out, and uh, and uh, you’ve got no, uh, knees.” So anyway, uh, that didn’t happen, that didn’t happen. No, I was just going fast, and I fell, and I smashed my head, and…my head was fine. But my neck went, “Ohh, no. Oooh, no, thank you.”
So I had to go see a chiropractor, in New York. And um, they’re different to osteopaths, chiropractors, because of the spelling. And, uh… Of course, they’re both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though… “Chiropractor…chiropractor…chiropractor…93 letters, chiropractor.”
And – and they, uh, they crack your bones – that’s what they do – they crack your bones! And they take x-rays – what – at this point – this – because – this – whatever is wrong with you – “You’ve got a bad back, I’m gonna crack your bones. You’ve got diphtheria – I’m gonna crack your bones. Your head’s come off! I’m gonna crack your bones. It looks like your mother! I’m going to crack your – “ you know…
And then when they crack your bones it goes uuuughhhh and then ahhhhhhh but not sort of ahhhhhhhhh but sort – ahhhhhhhhh! All the way up your spine, “Crack your bones, crack your bones, crack your bones.” And they sort of arrange you into a – a nice, comfortable – ahhhhcharrghh!…ahhhhpoughhh! And sometimes it doesn’t crack! Sometimes it just goes, “____”. Then they pull a mallet from their belt and they – “Try to make the noise! Make the noise! I live for the noise…” And they do your head as well, around here, and they get it into a nice posit – and you’re thinking, “Wh – wh – where – wh – where – the – wh – the – uh, no I don’t think it’s supposed to go around that – !…”
In the end you just trust them, you trust them. They could have your fingers – their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they’re pushing your spine away with a broom. “Well, what’s this one about?” “I have no idea.” Dodoodododododoododooo! “Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried.”
Also, if you’re in a restaurant and you’re choking to death, you can say the magic words “Heimlich maneuver.” If you’re just coughing and got some – Hei – you say, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. The trouble is, it’s very difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death. Yeah. “*coughing* [muffled speaking]” “You’re heimand’s been removed?” “No no. [muffled speaking]” “You need it removed – right – get – s – ” I don’t know how you remove a heimand. Ummm, but, uh, yeah.
No, Heimlich maneuver – developed by Doctor Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went, “A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha…lobster. Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!” “Oh, what is it, Doctor Heimlich?” “Why are you calling me Doctor Heimlich? I’m you’re husband, for fuck’s sake. Loosen up – don’t be so bloody Prussian.” “Well, what is it, *Gunther*?” “I have invented a maneuver!” “What are you, a bloody tank commander now?” “No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!” I don’t think he actually did it that way. I don’t think it was a *snap* – wing in a pr – . I think he – he must have experimented. He was German, organized. “Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball…” “Pughhh…*cough* I cannot breath.” I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of…” Pughhh! “Ugghhh…*cough*…I still cannot breath.” “Ok, maybe not, maybe this will w – ” Pughhhhh! “[muffled] Jesus fucking Christ!…” “Ok, then maybe with a frying pan…” Pow!… “*cough cough*” “Must be a combination.” Pughhh pughhh! “No, ok – ” Pughhh! Pughhh! “Ok, two frying pans – ” Pughhh pughhh pughh pughhh! “Frying pan in the bullocks – ” Pughhh pughh pughhh! “Bullocks stop – ” Pughhh! “Frying pan – ” Pughh pughh pughh pughh pughh – poghh wooooh!…kughhh… “Oh, he’s dead.” Other doctors going, “How’s it coming along, Doctor Heimlich?” “Well, not very well at the moment. It’s s – not really a maneuver at the moment. It’s more of a gesture.” As the National Rifle Association says, it’s not guns that kill people – it’s maneuvers. Uhhh. But, uh, neh muh neh muh neh.
I'm a - I'm a - f - film nut - a - as well. But – complete nut on films. Used to break into film studios. There’s a – f – a studio called Pinewood Studios near, uh, London. And I broke in there when I was 15. And I crept around, creeping, creeping – a – and hoping that some guy with a big cigar might go, “Hey! A creeping kid! For my film, ‘The Creeping Kid!’ You, you’re in!” “Ahh, me? Uhh, yeah…” But no, it didn’t happen! They were filming tall, angular…veterinarian film that day… I didn’t have my bag. And my hand up a horse’s…anyway.
So, umm. Yes! So – but – I – I – I – we’ve got known in Britain for making the smaller films – smaller – you know. Recently, we’ve been pulling out of that into the more trainspotting area. But the smaller films, they’re kind of, you know, room with a view with a staircase and a pond-type movie. Films with very fine acting, but the drama is rather sort of subsued and – subsumed or – a word like that. And… S – some sub- something or another. You know, j – just folded in and everything’s people opening doors. “Oh, I’m – oh, what? Well, I, ve – oh.” “What is it, Sebastian? I’m arranging matches.” “Well, I - I thought you – … I’d better go.” “Yes, I think you’d better had.” Oohoohoohooo. And you can’t eat popcorn to that! You’re going, “Ahhhhhhhhh… *sigh*.”
Whereas if the film did any little bit of business in America, as lo – as lon – if the film did, s – you know, some decent bit of business, then Hollywood would take it and they’d remake it and they’d up the budget by 50 million and it’d be called the room with a view of Hell! Staircase of Satan! Pond of death. And have people open the door, going, “You’re fucking in here all the time, all the time! You’re in here with the fucking matches! In here with the fucking matches! You’re fucking doing and fucking – begawking!” “You don’t talk to me that way! You don’t talk to me that way! You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?” “I *am* your wife!” “That doesn’t matter! That doesn’t matter! I say again, you fuck my wife?” “All right, yes, I fucked your wife. I am your wife, and I fucked her.” “Dieaaah, gonna – fucking matches – I can’t get ‘em… I’m going to drive around town and put babies on spikes.” Nrrrrr… Fupuhhh! Woohhh! Nrrrrr… Buuh… “Ooha ooha ooh.” Nrrrrr… Fuhfuhafuhafuh…
Oh, no! Space monkeys are attacking! A whole new part of the film that wasn’t in the original… “Ooha ooha ooha ooha rahhhuhrahh! Booom booom booom booom!” “Shh – !” “Booo – ” “Pugh – ” “Damn, its jam!” Dododododo. “Janine, I love you really, even though you fucked my wife…” Fuuughhhhhh… *slurp* “Fucking handbag. With a brick in it! It’s the Queen!” Don’t know who that is.
Yeah. We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War. Yeah, yes, no two ways about it. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary war, they play more esoteric characters. They have characters who turn up and go, “My name is Pierre! I come from Paris. I come to have sex with your family.” “Help yourself…because of the debt of honor to General Lafayette.” You know your own history here… You don’t know who he is, do you!? There was…the Spanish-American War, the French Banana War, what? Revolutionary War! Hung out with Washington. Lafayette. Street named after him in New York. Fuggetit.
But we play bad guys, like take Th – uh, The Empire Strikes Back, from the Star Wars *trilogy*. And uh, you – the Death Star! The Death Star – just full of British actors opening doors and going, “Oh, I’m – oh, oh…” “What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?” “It’s just the Rebels, sir. They’re here.” “My God, man! Do they want tea?” “No, I think they’re after something more than that, sir. I don’t know what it is, but they’ve brought a flag.” Hehe! “Damn, that’s dash cunning of them! Ahh, Lord Vader.” “*heavy breathing* [deep voice] Uhhh, hello.” Hehehe! Cause he was only impressive cause he had that James Earl Jones voice. “[deep voice] I am…I am Vader. The Force is strong with you.” If he had a much more, “[high, unimpressive voice] Hello. Loo’, I’m Lor’ Vader and just – pay a-bloody-ttention, all right? Luke, Luke, the Force is strong with you.” “Is it?” “Yeah.” “Well, who told you that?” “Uhh, so – some bloke! Yeah, he said the force was really rather strong with you.” “Well, how strong?” “Uh, as strong as a small pony.” “Ooohh, that’s quite strong, that is.” The film would never have fucking worked, would it.
And Englebert Humperdinck! Yes, he was the man. That’s not his real name. He’s from Britain, but that’s not his name. There’s very few Humperdincks in Britain. He was born Jerry Dorsey, not Englebert Humperdinck. His parents were not Mr. and Mrs. Humperdinck. They never said, “What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school?” “We shall call him Englebert!” “Good, that’ll work!” No, his name was Jerry Dorsey. And he released – he released songs as Jerry Dorsey. Songs such as “Ohhhh…uvvvahhabecha…” which didn’t work cause nobody could hear what he was saying.
And then his managers, obviously, said, “We’re going to change your name Jerry! It’s the name that’s the problem.” And his name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englebert Humperdinck. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through. “Zinglebert Bembledack! Yingeebert Dymbleban! Zynglebert Bingleback! Winglebert Humptyback! Slut Bonwalla!” “What?” “All right, Cringlebert Fischeebuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundens…” “No, Jerry Dorsey, I like Jerry Do – !” “No, we can’t do… Who we got? Zinglebert Bembledack, Tringlebert Wangledack, Slut Bonwalla, Clingeebun Fistlebars, Dindlebert Zendledack, uhh, Jerry Dorsey, umm, Englebert Humptyback, Zenglebert Bengledack, Englebert Humperdinck, Vinglebert Wingledanck – ” “No, no, go back one. Go back one.” “Englebert Humperdinck.” “That’s it.” And it worked!
But he’s dead now, d’ja hear that? Yeah, today – or – or – I seen – out – I heard this was just coming out. Very weird, cause, umm, uhh, s – sh – Frank Sinatra’s was just recently as well, wasn’t it. Yeah. Hmm. No, le – see, th – this is what I heard on the telly when I coming out. *takes a deep breath, exhales* Ha, It’s not true, heh. *exhales* No, it is true. Umm… Yeah, he was L.A. Something happened. He was in L.A., and that’s – that’s all I caught in the tos – it was just before I came out. So, yeah. *exhales* No, it is true. Uhh… No, he – he was in a car and, uh, in L.A. driving along and something hit him or something – or something like that. [about 25 seconds of pauses and audience laughter] No – no, no, he’s all right, he’s all right! He’s fine! He’s cooking, he’s jumping, he’s doing his thing in L.A. – he’s absolutely fine. [laughter] How do I know? I don’t know, I don’t know! I think he’s got a cold, that’s what they said. No, a tan, that’s it!
But it – back in the 60s, though, back in the 60s, President Kennedy became the President of the United States of America. And uh, and he we – he went to Berlin. Went – stood on the Berlin wall and he said, “People of Berlin…” “[bad Kennedy impersonation] People of Berlin.” I can’t do an impression of President Kennedy so this is… “People of Berlin. Amy dumped – ” No, James Mason playing uh, um… “People of Berlin, I have come to you to tell you something about the American states – what is – I – I sound a bit God, don’t I? But I have come to say to you that every free citizen of the world is a citizen of Berlin. And I wish to say to you, ‘Ich bin ein Berliner.’ ” And the crowd went fucking wild.
Trouble is, “Ich bin ein Berliner” means “I am a donut,” and uhh… This is true, and this is what he said, he said “I am a donut!” And, as I say, 70% of how you look, 20% of how you sound, only 10% is what you say. He said “I am a donut” and they went *wild*! You know. Because “Ich bin Berliner” is “I am a Berliner.” But “Ich bin *ein* Berliner,” is – that’s the name of a donut they have there. And it’s like going to Frankfurt – “I am a Frankfurter!” “Yeah, we’ve heard about that one, Jackie.” Hamburg – “I am a Hamburger, too!” It – lucky he didn’t do a tour of Germany, heh. “I am a Hamburger, a Frankfurter, and a donut.”
But the – it – the people in Berlin must’ve gone, “It – what did – what did he say?” “He said he was a donut!” “I thought he said he was a donut too!” “So what does that mean?” “It’s a slang! It’s American! He’s a donut! He’s a fucking donut. Fucking donut, a fucking donut, a fucking donut. He’s a fucking donut. I think that’s what it must mean. What do you think, Doctor Heimlich?” “Huh? I don’t *cough* – I don’t *cough* – I don’t know, *cough* I have sw – swallowed a football and I can’t *cough* get it – out. Can you per – grab me – perform my maneuver on me, the me maneuver.” “Huh?” “Hilda, Hilda, get me a map of everything.”
He also made a speech about space. President Kennedy said, “By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the surface of the moon.” At the same time, our Prime Minister in Britain, Sir Dingly Dang… You don’t know anyway, do you – you have no idea! It was Sir Fritz Bunwalla. Englebert Slapdeeback, who was Prime Minister at the time, and he stood up and he said, “By the end of this decade, *I* have decided to put a man on the surface of the *earth*!” And so he did.
But, uh, yeah, it was – it was kinda weird. Cause, uhh, uhhh, I mean, uh, you know, we couldn’t do the space race. We had no money, you know, we didn’t – rationing didn’t stop ‘til – the year 2001! I still haven’t even lived that long. But anyway, umm, it j – we just – we just didn’t have any money. So, uh, you were getting, uh, space rockets, testing them, can – a cat, dog, a fish, a monkey up into space. The fish was interesting. Umm… We didn’t have enough money to put a man in a track chute of a ladder! I mean, I would’ve been there – “Go man, go!” “I’m going, I’m going! ‘Ang on!” “Just hang on to the ladder!” “Hello, Swindon, I am here. Swindon, can you hear me?” “Swindon here, we are monitoring you on our instruments at the moment, we’ve got you on a tuba. That should be a bigger laugh for that joke, I think.” “Yeah, I can’t quite understand it; I thought it was really funny. Swindon, knackered, a Fresno town.” “They don’t seem to be going for it. They’re obviously bastards.” “Ah – well anyway Swindon, I’m nearly at the moon – ahmm, actually, that’s a bit of an understatement, that one, umm – have you got another big ladder, another big ladder, I don’t think we’re quite at the moon yet. But I can see right over the top of the houses! Fantastic!”
But they went to the moon, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin – and Neil Ki – and Michael Collins, going round and round, in – uh, working out the IRA thing. And uh… And Neil stepped on the moon and said, “One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind.” Nnn – good line but not his line, I don’t think it – it didn’t feel like his line. You know. Ahh, I bet that was just given to him and he was coming down the steps going, “Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don’t get it wrong, Neil. Don’t fuck it up. Here we go. I’m a small man with a giant big – shit!… One man, small giant, two…two mens… What was it?”
Cause you gotta say something. You can’t go down to the moon and go, “Ooh, it’s all sticky! It’s covered in jam.” You can’t land on the moon and go, “Fuckinell, I’ve been in that spacecraft…uhh… Right, I need a piss.” You can’t land on the moon and wind down the window and go, “Is this – Sea of Tranquility, Sea of Tranquility, is this Sea of Tranquility? Sea of Tranquility?” There’s no one around!
But he had a sense of humor so he should have used it. Cause there was that – there was that, umm, uh, uh, that lunar module there – fixed camera, just fixed, not panning left or right, just – just stationary. So he could’ve been there saying, “Hi, people on the moon. As you can see, the Sea of Tranquility here, there’s the mountains in the distance, there’s the earth! There, you’re looking back up at yourselves there. Over to my right, I can see a fucking monster! There’s a monster behind me! Ohhhh! Ohhh no, help! Ahhh! Get off my leg! Ohhhahhhhh!… Neeeahhhh!” Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit: “Ohhhhahhhh! Ohhhhahhhh!” Neil doing close-up with – “He’s got me, Houston. The monster’s got me! He wants cash! He’s got my hand up behind my back. I think he knows jujitsu! He wants cash for the release of my life. Send a million to – two million dollars, leave it in a bag by the Sea of Tranquility. I don’t know, the North Shore! What the fuckinell…” Oh, it would have worked, wouldn’t it?
But I’m going to finish up today by talking about my, uhh, ‘bout – about puberty! Because, uh, which is a, kind of, you know, spiky subject. But it – it’s interesting, because, you know, there’s things like these kids started shooting people, which you’ve had in America. Because guns don’t kill people, it’s just, uh, uhh, that certain noise they make. And umm… Uhh, it’s just a bullet ripping through peoples’ bodies. That’s what kills people! Erhhh… Yeah, have guns but don’t allow any ammunition. There! We got it! We got it sorted! And they just go, erhhhhhoh… *thunk*.
So, yeah. Umm, but puberty was, well, before puberty, I was – a – at school I didn’t tell kids I was a transvestite cause I thought they might – kill me with sticks. You know?… “Why?” “I don’t know, he said a word we didn’t understand. And he won at Scrabble with it.” So, yes. So, uh, I played – I – I – most transvestites fancy girls. And you can tell people this, “Yes, most transvestites fancy girls.” “Well who told you that?” “A transvestite told me that!” “Probably lives in a cave somewhere.” “No, an *executive* transvestite did! “Oh, really? Wow. Fantastic…”
So, yeah. So I played kiss chase with the girls. Tag a girl, she has to kiss you, kinda sexy. But then puberty came! Puberty came and destroyed my confidence, destroyed my everything! Which, I think, is part of the thing that causes these kids to go off and – and – and – and – and do – and commit murder, essentially.
Cause it is such a hell of a gear change cause think about it! It’s the one time – cause before puberty, girls and boys are going, “Girls! Ehhhhh!” “Boys! Uhhhuhhh!” Then it gets to puberty and instead they’re going, “Girls! Ohhhhoh – ” or – you know, “Boys, boys,” you know, whatever sexual preference you’re going, but you just start switching on at that series – “Rrrrhhhvvvhvvh”.
And you think, “God, I want to get off on some of these people. I better look my best.” And then Mother Nature says, “No will look the worst you’ve ever looked in your life!” *blows raspberry* “Hold on, where did I get all this from? Jesus! It’s – ewhhhuhewhhhuhewhhhuh.” We repulse ourselves! I mean, I used – I used to look at the mirror and go, “Well, I’m not going to shag me, that’s for certain!” Cause that’s what narcissism is all about, is looking in the mirror and going, “God, I’d like to have sex with myself,” you know? You know, it’s all sort of self-attraction thing. And then when – you’re at the – uh, you go – the acne thing, you just go, “Uhhuhhh, no way.” And parents should tell you the facts of puberty! “Look, your hair’s going to go greasy, your face will become a general plague area… Here’s a book on the Black Death, uhmmm… Tufts of hair will grow on your chin, not in a sexy stubble way, but in a continuing plague theme. Down here, I’m not going to even *talk* about that! But here’s a picture of your Uncle Jim… Well, sorry, Sal, I, uh… No, that’s your aunt, sorry, umm… Ah, it’s Queen Victoria.”
Umm, yes, so uh, and it’s over months and years, isn’t it. Puberty’s over months and years. It should be *one day*, get the fucker over with. Go into school, “[falsetto] Sorry I’m late, I don’t know why I was late.” By the time you get home, “Right, I’m going home to get a job with a drill.” And that one day at school will be wi – “[falsetto] Sorry I don’t [low voice] know the answer to that question, [falsetto] I don’t [ low voice] ehhuhhhhhhh… [falsetto] ‘Scuse me, can I be excused? [low voice] I seem to have the plague…”
And then I had to *chat up* girls and I had never used it – my vocal ability to chat up girls and when your voice is breaking it’s very hard. It’s going, “[low voice] Uhwhine… Susan, I really quite, [falsetto] uh, fancy you! [low voice] I saw you in the [falsetto] plague room!” I had to *chat up* girls and I’d only tagged them before and I didn’t have the verbal power to be able to say, “Susan, I saw you in the classroom today, uh… As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, ‘I fancy you.’ ” But no. At 13, you’re just going, “ ‘ello, Sue. I’ve got legs. Djo like – bread? I’ve got a French loaf. *raspberry* Bye! I love you!”
So, it was all not working very well. And uh, and later on, when we become m – more mature – when we become more mature, we have that line, where if you’re getting – if you’re talking to someone, getting on well, you can say that great line, “Djo want a cup of coffee?” And if they go, “Uhhhiiiiiee yeah, ok,” then sex is on, yeah. That’s the unwritten rule.
Doesn’t always work. If the president of Burundi says, “Would you like a cup of coffee,” you’re not supposed to go, “Huhrr, I’m in here!” “And how do you take it?” “Anywhere, find it, big boy! Oh, just a cup of coffee, all right… I thought you meant ‘Do you want a cup of *coffee*!’ So you’re from Burundi, are you? Fantastic! Yeah! No, I know, it’s near Zaire, isn’t it? Near Tanzania, yeah. Yeah. No, I learned them all when I had chicken pox. Now I got to go now, cause my, uh, grandmother’s on fire, and uh…”
But normally it does work as long as you keep the chat sexy. “Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women! Hot and strong… With a spoon in them. Ahh, the curve of the spoon, the curve of your breast. I like to run the spoon [talking with tongue sticking out] across my lips…” Then you’re pretty close, yeah.
And I was a very – very driven Boy Scout. Very driven Boy Scout! Driven everywhere I was. And, uh… And I, uh… This is such a crap joke! Heh. Other nights I’ve never even said it cause I thought, “So crap…” I’m just laughing that you laughed. Anyway. But I was, I was a – a driven Boy Scout. No, I was actually just – driven. You know, I was just a, uhh, umm, forget this.
Anyway, so, umm… Yeah, I had all the badges. I had all the badges, I had my sort of landing on the moon badge! You know, advanced badges. My, uh, ehh, nuclear fusion…badge, and my, uh, ehh, manar com bagen disguise kit badge. Which was great, and, uh, so I was a top scout! I was a chief scout, Habaran tribe and everything.
And me and this other guy who was a chief scout, we went on an outing, a sort of chaperones for these girls who were slightly younger at school. So it was 10 girls, two boys – pretty good odds for a shagged. We go to an activity center where you climb a tree and eat a sausage and it’s kind of, uh, you know… It builds your character so you know about sausages.
And we end up in a swimming pool! And I’m doing splashy splashy with this girl I really fancy. And she’s doing splashy splashy back and I’m going, “Fuckinell, splashy back!” You know. Cause splashy splashy is the aquatic equivalent of “Do you want a cup of coffee?” Right? So splashy splashy’s going well and I suddenly think, I know! I’ll turn! I’ll do swimmy swimmy, and then maybe she’ll do swimmy swimmy too in a kind of chase me chase me way and then we’d do catchy catchy and underwater sexy sexy! But I turned a – and I was so elated that splashy splashy was actually working that I just swam like a boy chased by sharky sharky! I swam, swam and I swam, and I was in when they caught up to me! And that’s a long way from England. Cause it goes England, Venezuela, Beirut, Africa, Cincinnati, Hanging Gardens of Babylon… It’s near Switzerland.
So, yeah. It was just – wasn’t working. And I was – I was saving my virginity! An - and you know – it’s cool to lose our virginity at 13. *snap* Yeah, say, “Yeah, I was 13, she was 25, you know… I know, I was…I was an animal! What can I say?” You know. But I was saving my virginity for a woman made out of breasts! And, uh… And I was getting on! I was 18 and they were going, “Have you done it, have you done it yet?” I was going, “Uhh, I’m not from your country.” Go on to college, you know, still nothing, and I was – and I thought, “Stop saving yourself for some imaginary person who doesn’t – isn’t there! Just – just – just lose your virginity! Just find anyone, anyone, as long as they’ve got a pulse. Or not! Pulse optional!” And I was 21 before I lost my virginity. 21! That’s not cool at all, is it? But then I tell everyone about it, so that’s quite cool. And I’ve done it since then.
And, umm… But the weirdest thing of all was I actually lost my virginity a year before I lost my virginity. I was, uh, yeah – weird! I was – whi – what – a year before, when I was 20, I actually had a night of whey hey hey hey! So the next morning it was one of those post-virginity breakfasts, I was thinking, you know. “Hey, just sit there. [singing] Breakfast cereal, bacon and eggs. Bit of coffee bubbling away. Freshly squeezed mango juice!” She’s going, “You’re very chipper this morning.” I’m going, “Yeah, yeah, fuckinell! Yeah! Cause last night, ha heh heh! [singing] lost my virginity!” “Oh yeah, with who?”
I did this for an hour, and I was – I was going, “With you! With you! What the fuck, buck, bawk bawk bawk bawk! What the fuck was last night all about? What – ” You know. And she said, “N – no!” And we had this conversation and the words ejaculation came into the conversation, and the world ‘premature’ as well. And I came back with, “No, ejaculation – mature, mature ejacula – *Not* premature, post-mature, veteran ejaculation! Wise, learned man ejaculation. Mature man who does the washing up-type…” But she said, “No!” She vetoed it! She was China in the United Nations Security Council. Uh, in th – the United Nations Security Council Of My Virginity. And, uh… So it just didn’t work! It was – fucked me off, I tell you.
But she’s dead now, so umm… No, she isn’t… No, she was in L.A., in a car, with, uhh, Englebert Humperdinck, and… So that’s the end of my show. And I do like to end the show with a kind of “Oh,” feeling, and, uh…and I think I’ve done that quite well. But thank you very much for being here. I hope you’ve enjoyed it. Yeah…
What? Now, um, I just want to talk quickly about language and then we can all… Cause yeah, language. They do say that Britain and America are two countries separated by the Atlantic Ocean. And uh, and it’s true. No, they – they – say two languages separated by – two countries separated b – by common language, that’s the line. I think it’s an Oscar Wilde line, I think.
And we do pronounce things in a different way! Like you say ‘caterpillar’ and we say ‘caterpillar.’ And, uh… No, you say ‘a-*loo*-min-um,’ we say ‘a-loo-*min*-yum. You say ‘cen-*tri*-fugal,’ we say ‘centri-*fu*-gal.” You say ‘leisure!’ We say ‘lie-sur-eye-ay.’ Uhh, uh, you say ‘bay-sil’, we say ‘bah-sil,’ and you say ‘erbs,’ and we say ‘herbs!’…because there’s a fucking ‘h’ in it.
But you spell ‘through’ ‘T-H-R-U,’ and I’m with you on that. Cause we spell it ‘thruff!’ And that’s trying to cheat at Scrabble. “How can we get that “ooo” sound?” “Well, a ‘U’ will work.” “What about an ‘O’ as well?” “No, we don’t need it, we’re fine.” “No, I think an ‘O’ in.” “Well, all right.” “And a ‘G’ as well.” “What?” “Yes, a ‘G’ would be good.” “…‘guh’ sound?” “Yes, we need a – a silent ‘guh,’ just in the background, in case of any accidents or something.” “Well, all right.” “And an ‘H’ as well!” “Fuckinell, ‘ang on!” “An ‘H!’ In case some herbs come along!” “All right.” “And a ‘Q,’ and a ‘P,’ and a ‘zed.’ Look! It’s a word in Scrabble that’s 480 points!” So yes. And uh…w – we do have s – you know, s – slight differences in that arena.
But, uh, in Europe we have 200 languages. Two hundred languages! Just count them! I know you won’t! But, uh… But a total – l – languages. And future generations of Europeans, I’m sorry Europeans, but we’re going to have to be bilingual. We are going to have to be, and English speakers hate this. “Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord, man! You’re asking the impossible!” “But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!” “Yes, but they’re cheating! Everyone knows marijuana is a drug enhancement, that can help you on track in field, to come – last in a team – of eight million…eight million other runners who are all dead.”
I don’t know how the Dutch do it, but anyway – cause we’re going to have to learn! And the reason we’re going to have to learn is, one, for – being groovy, and just getting out there and doing it; but the second one, we just lose a lot of business, in Europe. In the rest of Europe. Cause German people phone up and going, “Wir haben funf millionen Deutschmark, fuer die Auto – ” “Just fuck off, willya mate?! I thought he was speaking German, I told him to go away! I said… I don’t know, something about funf millionen Deutschmark and I told him to get knotted! We don’t want any of his Deustchy Markys. We do?! We do want that?! Oh, I’m terribly sorry! Oh fuck, redial.” Yeah. So, uh…
So I’m into this! I’m into this idea – this idea i – i – it’s – it’s – it’s a good – it’s a positive thing, man. And, uh, I took my last show, my last show, Glorious, I took to, uhh, to Paris and I did it in French, for the – a – a – and the French people came and they stared at me, uh, with that look on their eyes of, “Quoi?” Umm… Because, you know, there’s – there’s no standup in France, and – and umm, and they’re not used – seeing – to – seeing – people who’re used to speaking French.
But I was doing it, you know, cause I thought it would be a positi – I mean, we could be the biggest melting pot in the world! Biggest melting pot in the world! Five hundred million people! All we got to do is melt a bit! Just move it arouuund! Fucking move it arouuuuund! And it was partly that and partly just to go, “Yeahh, ewhhh, ehhh, eh…”
So I did that, and I learned French in school, up there at the age 16 and, uh, and then I just kept – talking it endlessly after that. And uhh, and uh, school – the first page I ever learned in French was full of things which are difficult to get into a conversation. Uhh, things like, “The mouse is underneath the table.” “La souris est en dessous de la table.” Just slip that in when you’re buying a ticket to Paris… “Le train à Paris, oui? C'est ici? Maintenant? Oh, cinq minutes. [The train to Paris…it's here? Now? Oh, five minutes.] La souris est en dessous de la table…”
The m – the c – the other line was, uh, “The cat is on the chair.” “Le chat est sur la chaise,” slightly more easier to fit in, and, “The monkey’s on the branch.” “Le singe est sur la branche.” *Very* difficult to get into a conversation! Not a lot of jungle in France! Monkeys, thin on the ground. Thin in the air! Just generally pretty trim. And, yes. So, i – i – it just wasn’t working.
I mean, we go to bars and cafés! That’s where we go. We go to bars and cafés, we sit there, and we…and we have chats in the – the cafés. “Oui, j'aime beaucoup le café, le café noir…oui, très fort et très chaud...avec une cuiller dedans. Ehuhhhh… Ahh, le virage – la cuiller, le virage – la poitrine… Je mets la cuiller dans la bouche…” “Je suis le président de Burundi.” “Ah, oui, Burundi! Uhhh, je le connais bien. C'est tout près de Zaïre, eh? Heh! Tout près de Mozambique. Non, Tanzania, Tanzania! Ha ha ha! Oui, j'ai les appris quand j'ai les pox de poulet. Je dois partir maintenant par ce qu ma grand-mère est flambée…
[“Yes, I like coffee very much, black coffee…yes, very strong and very hot…with a spoon in it. [talking with tongue sticking out] Ahh, the curve – the spoon, the curve – the breast… I put the spoon in my mouth…” “I am the president of Burundi.” “Ah, yes, Burundi! I know it well. Yes, it's quite near Zaire, eh? Quite near Mozambique. No, Tanzania, Tanzania! Ha ha ha! Yes, I learned of them when I had chicken pox. I must go now because my grandmother is on fire.”]
If you don’t speak French, by the way, all that was fucking funny. All right… We go and get hotel rooms for the night! “Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?” “Oui, nous avons une chamber – nous sommes un hôtel.” “Je voudrais un chamber, uhh, uh, avec un grand lit, un grand lit,” a large bed, “avec et une vue de la mer, a vue,” uh, a view of the sea, “uhh, et avec, uhhh, avec, uh, avec une douche, uhh with a spider.” “Oui, monsieur.” “Uhhh, C'est cha – chambre quarante – quarante-deux, monsieur, quarante-deux.” “Merci, beaucoup, mais la souris est en dessous de la table, le chat est sur la chaise, et le singe est sur la branche.” “Quoi? Il y a un singe sur la branche? Le chat – la – la – la souris? Où est le singe?” “Le singe est sur la branche.” “Est-ce que le singe est dans la chambre?” “Non…le singe n'est pas dans la chambre. Michèle est dans la chamber…avec le président de Burundi.”
[“Do you have a room, sir?” “Yes, we have a room – we are a hotel.” “I would like a room with a large bed, and a view of the sea, and a shower, with a spider.” “Yes, sir.” “Uhhh, it’s ro – room forty – forty-two, sir, forty-two.” “Thank you very much, but the mouse is under the table, the cat is on the chair, and the monkey is on the branch.” “What? There is a monkey on the branch? The cat – the – the – the mouse? Where is the monkey?” “The monkey is on the branch.” “Is the monkey in the room?” “No…the monkey is not in the room. Michele is in the room…with the president of Burundi.”]
In the end, the only way I could get that line into a conversation was I had to *go* to France with a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a table and chair!…and wander around heavily wooded areas!… “Someone’s coming! Someone’s coming! Quick! Positions! Posit - les positions! Tout de suite! Tout de suite! Vas-y! Vas-y!… Bonjour!” “Fwuh. Heya, bonjour. Qu'est-ce qui se passe?” “Bonjour. Je suis anglais. Je suis ici en vacances. C'est très belle ici, les couleurs, les bois; ahh, très belle.” “Fwwuuh. Ahhehhh.” “Hyayhyay heh.” “Tu es un travesti?” “Oui, je suis un travesti, mais pas un travesti typical. Je suis un travesti executif…un travesti d'action.” “Très bien.” “Mais la souris est en dessous de la table, le chat est sur la chaise, et le singe…le singe est disparu!”
[“Positions! Right away! Right away! Go! Go!… Hello!” “Hello. What's happening?” “I am English. I am here on holiday.” “It's very beautiful here, the colors, the woods; ahh, very beautiful.” “Fwwuuh. Ahhehhh.” “Hyayhyay heh.” “You are a transvestite?” “Yes, I am a transvestite, but not a typical transvestite. I am an executive transvestite…a transvestite of action.” “Very good.” “But the mouse is under the table, the cat is on the chair, and the monkey…the monkey has disappeared!”]
Cause the monkey would fuck off! It’d go and do its own thing! It was a bloody monkey! He was a cheeky monkey. And he knew my French wasn’t very good so he’d go off and do things!
“Oh, le singe est là-bas. Regarde! Il est sur une bicyclette, il joue au banjo, il fume une pipe. Maintenant il arrête, il lit un journau, il lit un journau…I see…et maintenant il est dans l'autobus, dans l’autobus…il conduit l'autobus, and et Sandra Bullock est dans l'autobus. Il y a une bombe dans l'autobus. Il faut conduire l'autobus plus de cinquante kilomètres par l'heure, et Keanu Reeves, il arrive dans la voiture…il n'a pas de cheveux, et Jeff Daniels est déjà mort. Et regarde! Il essaie à se jette dans l'autobus. Et Dennis Hopper, oh, Dennis Hopper, quel méchant!
[Oh, the monkey is over there. Look! He is on a bike, he is playing the banjo, he is smoking a pipe. Now he stops, he is reading a paper, he is reading a paper…I see…and now he is on the bus, on the bus…he is driving the bus, Sandra Bullocks is on the bus. There is a bomb on the bus. He has to drive over 50km per hour, and Keanu Reeves arrives in a car…he has no hair, and Jeff Daniels is already dead. And look! He tries to jump on the bus. And Dennis Hopper, oh, Dennis Hopper, what a bad guy!]
That was the film ‘Speed’ in French. Which in France was called “La Vitesse!” Or at least it should have been but in fact it was called ‘*Speed*.’ Yeah.
So, in conclusion, ladies…and jellyspoons. Umm… America. You have the American Dream. You *have* the American dream! We haven’t got the European dream yet! That’s what we’ve got to get! We’ve got to get a dream! A dream to build on! You have the American dream. The dream is to be born in a gutter and – raised and grow up and – et, uh – get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go *raspberry*! The American dream! A fantastic dream of – money in your ears and swimming through fivers… The American dream! In Europe, I don’t know, we haven’t got a dream yet. Erh – erh – at the mom – well, the dream was, the dream was, “Uhhhhhh…uhhhuhh!…get on you fucker…uhhhhh…uhhh…flag…no, that’s not…ohhhh…ohhhh!…ohhhhhh! Ohh God! Oh, Hilda, Hilda, wake up, Hilda!” “What is it, Doctor Heimlich, you waking up-type person?!” “I dreamt that every country in Europe spoke a different language and they hated each other – oh, that’s true, isn’t it? Yes…” That was the dream. But now, maybe now, the dream is to be in the south of Europe, to be in Greece! in Italy! in Spain, and to be on a moped with no helmet on, riding along, going, “Ciao.” That’s a pretty cool dream. It’s not much of a dream, but it’s as good as we’ve got so far. And it’s pretty funky, cause when you die…you look a mess. But, ummm… I don’t know. I just like it. It ju – nrrrrrrrrr – cause you’re on a fucking hairdryer, for God’s s – nrrrrrrrrr –there’s dogs walking faster than you - nrrrrrrrrr! It’s just pretty damn cool for me. The Amer – that’s the European dream. Thank you very much.
Eddie Izzard Quotes, Eddie Izzard Pics, Eddie Izzard Pictures, Dressed to Kill, Glorious, Definite Article
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Other mass murderers have gotten away with it...Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, well done there. Pol Pot killed 1.7 million Cambodians, died under house arrest, age 72. Well done, indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is because they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Oh, help yourself! You know? We've been trying to kill you for ages! So, if you kill your own people, right on, then. But Hitler killed people next door.... stupid man. After a couple of years, we won't stand for that, will we? Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people, and we can't even deal with that. We think that if someone kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital and they look at you through a small window forever. And over that, we can't deal with it. You know? If somebody's killed 100 thousand people, we're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100 thousand people?! You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, lunch, death, death, death, afternoon tea, death, death, death, quick shower.
Everyone fucking lies! When we're kids, we lie our heads off! "I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I was dead at the time! I was on the moon...with Steve." And your dad's going, "I haven't even accused you of anything yet!" "Well then what is it? What is it? What? What?" "Did you brush your teeth?" "No! Yes! What's the correct answer? I was dead at the time!" Then when you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass. I've broken this...is that expensive? I broke it...I'll pay for that." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people who have strong personalities." "And I've broke other things! I've smashed that...and that's gone...and I've just thrown the cat out the window."
The Emperor Fabulous
Eddie Izzard
Dressed to Kill Transcript
by Eddie Izzard
But in – in America it was different. The founding fathers landed in 16*motherfucking*. They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth! How lucky is that? “This is Plymouth? We’ve just come from Plymouth! We’ve gone round in a circle. Lads, back on the boats.” They finally got there and said, “Ahh, this is where our God has brought us to. We can – we can practice our religion here. We can raise a family. There’s nobody here!…excuse me. There’s nobody here! Yes, a land empty of human existe – who the fuck are these guys? What’s all this, please? No, we don’t want any of your food, thank you very much. Just put some clothes on!”
Meanwhile, meanwhile that winter, “’Scuse me, do you have any food? I love all this, love the idea. Hahahe, yes, I’m sorry, we were a bit brisk when we first arrived… We didn’t realize you owned the entire country! But you have no system of ownership! Mmm, interesting. Umm…maybe that can come in useful later – food! Thank you very much, very nice… Yes, there’re more of us coming but we’ll keep our promises.” So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years. And then President Clinton lied about a relationship. And everyone was surprised. A little naïve, I feel!
Everyone fucking lies! We were – when we were kids we lied our heads off! “I didn’t do it! I was – I wasn’t – I was dead at the time! I was on the moon! With Steve!” And your dad’s going, “I haven’t even accused you of anything yet.” “Oh, all right. Well – what is – what’s the que – well – I – I – well – what?” “Did you brush your teeth?” “No – yes – whi – what’s correct? Anywa – yeah. I was dead at the time!” Then when you’re more mature, you do start telling the truth in odd situations. “I’m sorry, I’ve broken the glass, see – I’ve broken this – is that a – an – expensive? – I’ve – I’ll – I’ve broke it – I’ll pay for that, I’m sorry.” And you do that so people in the room might go, “What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities.” “And I’ve broke other things, I smashed that, and…and that’s gone, and I’ve just thrown the cat out the window and…” Ooh, yeah.
So, per – you know, perjury, umm, you know. If you commit perjury, I – I don’t care. Don’t give a shit. I don’t think you should because you grade murder. You have murder one, murder two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder. So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury one is when you’re saying when you’re there’s no Holocaust when, you know 10 million people have died in it, and perjury…nine, is when you said you shagged someone when you didn’t. You know, it’s…
Uh, yuh, yuh. So yes, so it was – so in America, the Native American situation and with slavery didn’t do very well. Hmm. *cough* And in – in Europe now we’ve a new thing: the European Union. 500 million people, 200 languages – no one’s got a clue what there saying to each other! But it’s the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way. Because 15 diff – we’ve got 15 different countries in the European Union at the moment and trying to get them to decide anything is a little bit, “Whi – wha – whi – is it – oh no, here, back up, you – oh, you’re in with him, uh huh – I’m with – oh, you’re with him, and uh,” you know.
For 18 years we had a government in Britain who was a right-wing government and their policy towards Europe was one of “No! No! No! I can’t! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala! Lalalalala!” And now we’ve got a government whose policy is more. “Bonjour! Hola! Tag! Da! Bong bang baa! Bong bang baa! Buhhh. Ciao!”
Britain needs to be the driving seat of Europe. In the driving seat. Or in the passenger seat, that’s pretty good, you know, cause you can take a sleep for a little bit… “Uhhh… Are we there yet?” You know. At the moment, Britain’s not even in the European car. We’re outside the car, at the traffic lights, going, “We’re going to clean your windows, all right.” Yes.
And we had the Pagans in Britain. Cause you didn’t really have the Pagans here. You had the Native Americans and it was much more of a warrior, aboriginal-type existence, and…we had the Pagans. They were into sex, death, and religion in an interesting nighttime telly type of way.
And we had the Druids! Long white robes, long white beards, early transvestites, didn’t get their shaving together. And they built Stonehenge – one of the biggest henges in the world. No one’s built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what the fuck a henge is. Before Stonehenge, there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge. But a – but a big bad wolf came and blew them down, and three little piggies were relocated to the project. But they built Stonehenge. And it’s built in an area – in an area called Salisbury Plain in the south of England. And the area of Salisbury Plain where they built it is very ah-ah-ah-ah-oh-ah-oh-oh-oh-oh. Cause that’s good, you know. It’s a mystical thing; build it in a mystical area. You don’t want to build it in an area that’s yaa-da-daa-da-daa-daa-daa-baa-daa-daa-bup-doh-doh-doh-bup-dee-dee-daa. No, you build Trump Tower. Umm… But yeah, so they built it there.
And the stones! The stones are 50 foot high, 30 foot long, 20 foot deep, and other measurements as well. And the stones are not from round there! That’s the amazing thing. I mean, remember, this is B.C. *mumble*. This was before the B.C./A.D. changeover when everyone was going... You didn’t have to wind your watch back – you had to get a new bloody watch! As if A.D.’s enough – fuckinell… And the Muslim people going, “A.D? Who’s he?” Yes. Good laugh there.
And uh… So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away, in Wales. So these guys in Wales were obviously carving the rocks out of the v – very living mountain… “Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That’s a fantastic idea. That’s a marvelous religion the Druids have got. Yes, got a lot of white clothing, I like that. There we go.” And they smash out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on. “All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go.” Buuuhbuuuhuuh. “Help you push ‘em along. It’s not far, is it?” And the Druids going, “Heave everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you’re doing very well. You’ll love it when you see it. I’ve seen some of the drawings already, it’s very special.” After 200 miles, “You fucking bastards! You never told it was 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age – I don’t even know where I live now! *sigh* I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!” And they set all the stones up and the Druids still there tinkering around going, “No that stone and this one – can we swap them around?” So that was the Pagans.
And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece and conquered them and – and stole all their gods…and renamed them with Roman names. Cause the Roman gods before that were kind of crap, you know – Jeff, the god of biscuits. And Simon, the god of hairdos. And uh, you know, they had the god of war, the god of thunder, the god of running around and jumping and stuff and uh, “Oh, let’s get some of those! Thank God they’ve got some gods, cause we have these crap gods, you know…”
Yes, the Emperor Fabulous put that into operation and, uh… There should have been an Emperor Fabulous, shouldn’t there? “I am the Emperor Fabulous!” “Oh, yes, so you are.” “Yes. And my son, Fabulous II, and him – ” really – really interesting guy… So yeah, and the Greeks, uh, the – the Romans, they went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood...
Then Henry VIII came along, Henry VIII, a big hairy king, ummm, and uhh, he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church, “Mr. Pope! I’m going to marry my first wife, and then I’m going to divorce her. Now, I know what you’re going to say but stick with me – my story gets better. I’m going to marry my second wife and then I’m gong to kill her – cut her head off! Ahhhh, not expecting that, are ya? Hahaha! Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife – hoooa, hooo – ” And the Pope’s going, “You crazy bugger! You can’t do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can’t marry all these people! It’s illegal! You can’t do all thi – I am the Pope, I am the head of the church, I have to keep up st – ciao… I have to be respect… What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?” So Henry VIII, who was, uh, Sean Connery for this film: “Well then, I will shet up a new religion in thish country. I will sh – I will shet up – the – g – uh – the, uh, religion – the Pshychotic Bashtard religion.” And an advisor said, “Why not call it Church of England, shall we?” “Ch – Church of England!” “Yes sir, much better.” “Even though I am Shcottish myshelf.”
So they did! That’s the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That’s no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church – I mean, He – H – Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know. Rape – pillage, rape and pillage, that is.
The Protestant faith was different. That started, umm, uh, well, probably around a similar time, but that was about Martin Luther, this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, “ ‘ang on a minute.” But in German, so, “Ein Minuten, bitte. Ich habe einen kleinen Problemo avect dieser Religionay.” He was from everywhere. So yeah. So, and, uh, so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked, you know, on by Queen Elizabeth I a bit later. “…Oh, principles! Thank God! We’ve got some principles.”
Nowadays, Church of England is much more, “Hello, how are you.” Much more a hobby-type… ”Hello.” A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. “Hello, yes… Ha ha ha, yes, that’s what I thought. Ha ha. Do – do come in, you’re the only one today. Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine I found – that I found in a hedge. Now, uh, lipstick colors this, uh, season are in the, uh, frosted pink area and, uh, nail colors to match. And, uh, this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit. We will now sing four – hymn 405, “Oh God, What on Earth is, uh, is My Hairdo All About?” “Oh God, what on earth is my hai-airdo…”
There’s something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy going – joyous and it’s fucking amazing! And it’s born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that – and this joyous singing! And the Church of England, well, a – all those sort of Christian religions, which, uh – with – ah – which is mainly Caucasian white people, with all the power and money – enough apparent money to make Solomon blush. And – and they’re all singing, “Oh, God, oahhohh bied age is past, our hope for years…” They’re the only groups of people that could sing, “Halleluiah” without feeling like it’s a “Halleluiah!” thing. “Hal-le-lu-iah, Hal-le-lu-iah, joyfully we lark about.”
And… No, it’s – it’s just not kicking, is it? You know. God must be up – must be up there going, “What on earth is that?” God, who is James Mason. “What on earth is that, Jesus? Jesus Christ! What on earth is that?” “Don’t take my name in vain, Dad!” “Jezee Chrizee, what on earth is that?” “Don’t call me Jezee Chrizee. Look Dad, I went down there, I taught ‘em to be hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine, they split into different groups! You’ve got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians…the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers... The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we’ve had that checked out.” “And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?” “Oh, he’s useless, Dad. Got a sheet over his head these days.” [Holy Ghost:] “Ooooh…Holy Ghost…Holy Ghost…Holy Ghost!” [God:] “Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!” [Holy Ghost:] “I would have succeeded if it wasn’t for those pesky God and Jesus fellows!”
Cause Shaggy and Scooby are interesting characters. They’re two of the most major characters in American literature. Because, and I mean this sincerely, and I think it’s fantastic, because they are cowards. They are cowardly characters – they believe in cowardice and sandwiches. And, uh… And can you think of any in the whole realms of the English-speaking literature that – that – a – are characters like that? Cowardly characters that you identify with. Cause you identify with them! You’re with them all the way! “Go Shaggy! Go Scooby!” The rest of the guys who drive the van, “Fuck off!” “Scrappy Doo, a Magnum…” Puuuuh. “Thank you, Granddad.” Well remembered.
But Shaggy and Scooby, the only other character – I mean, tell me now if you can think of any character cause I’m – I’m willing to learn, but – somebody mentioned Falstaff, a Shakespearean character – it’s that level of greatness! Falstaff, is a chara – you sort of identify with him but he has a melancholy with him. But Shaggy and Scooby are upbeat all the time, saying, “Whoo, scra – Shaggy, whoo, whooo, whoo, whoo... Shaggy Scooby Sha – rohrohroh!” And you love ‘em! You’re with ‘em! There’s part of us that – Shaggy and Scooby at every stage of the way.
So if you travel around the world, and, you – you know, you know – cause your American foreign policy does give you a difficult time to exist around the world, two tricks: one, say you’re Canadian, that helps. And uh… It is, it works in Europe, it’s very good. And the second is, uh, just say, “Shaggy and Scooby.” And they go “Shaggy and Scooby!” International credit card, I think of…
So yeah. So the Pagan, uh, the Pagan religion, I don’t know a huge amount about. But the – it was this earthy thing. But the Christia – the – the Christianity had split into many different areas – Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone, “Boom, boom, boom, boom. Row, you bastards! Buhhuhh, duh, buh…you know.” Original sin! What a hellish idea that is. People have to go, “Father, bless me for I have sinned, I – I did an original sin – I – I poked a badger with a spoon.” “I’ve never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary’s and two Hello, Dolly’s.” “Oh, all right…” “Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor’s wife.” “Heard it. I want an original sin.” “Oh, I’m terribly sorry.”
The Anglican faith doesn’t have that. You’ll never go, “Vicar, I have done many bad things.” “Well, so have I.” “What shall I do?” “Well, drink five Bloody Mary’s and, uh, you won’t remember.” And because we – uh – the Anglican faith has a lack of – had a lack of principles for a long time. You can’t get really headstrong about it. You can’t – you can’t, say, you know, like, the – the – the – the Islamic jihads that we hear bout. We get scared about those Islamic jihads. I think we do assume that everyone who is – uh…is, uh, into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day. There’s a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, and we got to understand – remember, this is very important – and we do assume that jihads are just like, you know – j – everyday three jihads, uh, just issued by e – every individual. It just seems they’re everywhere – “The fruit shop shortchanged me! A fucking jihad on them.” Bump into someone, say, “Hey! A fucking jihad on you!” “How many jihads have you got going now, Dad?” “Well, 24.” “God, it’s difficult to keep up with them.” I just don’t think that’s happening.
So, um, but you can’t do that in Church of England. You ca – you can’t say, “You must have tea and cake with the Vicar, or you die!” You – you can’t have extreme points of view, you know. The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England. “Talk! Will you talk!” “But it hurts!” “Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine…”
Cause that’s what it would be. “Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death!” Students would be, “Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!” Ca – you know, cause, “Cake or death?” That’s a pretty easy question. Everybody – anyone could answer that. “Cake or death?” “Uhh, cake please.” “Very well! Give him cake!” “Oh, thanks very much. It’s very nice.” “You! Cake or death?” “Uh, cake for me, too, please.” “Very well! Give him cake, too! We’re gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?” “Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry…” “You said death first, ah ha, ah ha, death first!” “Well, I meant cake!” “Oh, all right. You’re lucky I’m Church of England!” “Cake or death?” “Uh, cake please.” “Well, we’re out of cake! Well, we only had three bits and we didn’t expect such a rush. So what do you want?” “Well, so my choice is ‘or death?” “Well, have the chicken then, please. Taste of humans, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much. Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?” “Uhh, I asked for the vegetarian.” “Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes, there we go, Mr. Hitler. There we go… Like a little wine? Thank you very much…you Nazi shithead.” So, yeah.
So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm… Cause *cough* Jesus, I do think did exist. You know, and, uh, he, uh, was a, I think, uh, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the, umm, Nelson Mandela-type area. You know, relaxed and groovy. And, uh, the Romans thought, “Relaxed and groovy, nooo no no no no.” Umm, so they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the…wood on the cross.
Well, you tell me! It’s got nothing to do with it, has it! You know, people going, uhh, “Remember kids,” the kids who’re eating the chocolate eggs, uhh, “Jesus died for your sins.” “Yeah, I know, it’s great! No, no no, it’s bad, it’s bad! No, it’s bad! It’s very bad. It’s terrible! Whatever you want, I mean – just keep giving me these eggs.”
And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, “Hey – you – what, are you going to put those crosses in our – bur – warrens? We live below this hill, all right?” Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It’s a festival – it’s the spring festival! Christmastime, you know, Jesus, uhhh, born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket. “Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?” “Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men.” “Well, what about a clockwork train?” “Oh, yes, much better. Forget – forget peace on earth, I don’t care.
And, you know, the f – the – Christmas, the fir tree, that – the – there’s none of them in Nazareth. The partridge in a pear tree song was not sung at the Last Supper. They weren’t there going, “ ‘And a partridge in a pear tree. Fiiive go-old riiings! Dadada…’ Come on, loosen up, Judas.” “Oh, all right…” “ ‘On the seventh day of Christma… Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up.” “Don’t call me Judy, I’ve told you!” “Ooohoohooh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy, I’m a bit short.” “Ahhh…” “Alright lads, um, Leonardo di Vinci’s painting the picture. All right, so everyone get your positions, here we go.” He’s going, “Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?” “Well, I don’t know – I just thought I’d do a big arms thing, I don’t know.” “Well, I’m going to do a big arms thing as well.” “Yeah, me too! I’ll call that the big arms…” “Look, we can’t all do big arms! We’ll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for fuck’s sake. I’ll do big arms and you just look at me and go, ‘Ooh, he’s doing big arms.’ ” “All right.” “Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting? All right, now a fun one as well, ‘member…ahhahahh…”
That partridge in a pear tree song, the – the only bit we like of it is that, “Fiiive go-old riiings!” People go berserk at that point. People come running in from other rooms – “Fiiive go-old riiings!” You know. The rest of it, we don’t know. Uhh, abo – above that, it’s just, “Twelve monkeys mating, eleven donkeys dancing, ten pigmies farming, nine socks a swimming, uh – fiiive go-old riiings!” This is a human thing. We only like to learn a little bit of a song. We can’t be bothered. Yeah. The American national anthem I’ve noticed is a bit hazy in the middle!
Cause it starts strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit’s a bit, “And fish in the sky, and a big monkey pie…” I’ve seen guys up there, halfway through, just losing it. “What the fuck is it?” “I came second, I’m from Turkey – I don’t know! Would you like some furniture?”
But in Britain we don’t win many gold medals at the Olympics – because we’ve chosen not to! It’s a political statement! Because we hate our national anthem. Because it’s God Save the Queen, you see. God Save the Queen. Now the Queen lives in a very big house, she has barbed wire outside, and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you. That’s the problem. She’s overly saved! She has no idea of the struggle of human existence. We have to work for a living, raise a family – we don’t have nannies all running around the place. It’s – it’s what you’ve got to do in your life. You know. So it’s “God Save the Queen.” No! It’s too saved. It’s “God Attack the Queen,” that’s what it should be! “God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her that bite her bum. Let them chase after her and let them…” That’d be fantastic! Then she’d have to fight the crazy dog with a – with a handbag with a brick inside of it. “Crazy dog! Crazy dog!” “Arrgghh, kill the Queen!” “No – crazy dog!” And maybe she’d kill the crazy dog and everyone in – in Britain would go, “Hell, fair play with the queen – killed the crazy dog.” And the Queen would go – have – she would have self-respect for the first time in her life! Yes. It would work. It’d be fan-tab-u-lous.
But you do sing the national anthem – I’ve seen you singing the national anthem, and I’ve worked out how to do it. If you look – if you’re lost in the middle of it and you’re singing the words, you know, because – it – the tenor systems at big stadiums, you know, it – it doesn’t matter, wherever you’re singing it. All that people care about is – is the look – because th – th – there’s figures on this – 70% of what people react to is the look, you know, it’s how you look; and there’s about – 20% is whi – about how you sound; and only 10% is what you say. So if you look good and sound good, just up there going, “*gibberish to a few bars of The Star Spangled Banner*” Big mouth! “[more gibberish to a few more bars]” The eyes! “[more gibberish]” Use that! “[more gibberish]” And keep confirming and denying things. “[more gibberish, up to the words ‘star spangled banner yet wave’]” Everyone will go wild!
Ummahhhahhho. Uh, oh yeah, oh yeah! I’m, uh, I’m an action transvestite, really, you know, umm, as well a – oh – actually, as well as being an executive transvestite, I’m an action transvestite! Cause it’s running, jumping, climbing tree, you know. So I went, uh, snowboarding when I was in Aspen. And – and – and you look cool, when you snowboard, you just look cool, you know? You cannot but look cool cause you’re nailed to a fucking plank of wood. As long as you’re vertical, you’re going, “Hey, yes.” Shhhh, shhhh. And you look – uh – skiing, you can be kinda wuuhhahhhuhhchhshuhhh. There’s a lot of that stuff. But this is just nrrrrnnn. And uh, and th – there’s only two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool; the second is DEAD! Right? Pow! So I was looking cool and I was going 50, 60 thousand miles an hour!
And… Cause you have no idea! The police never pull you over. They never, “Whooowhooo, whooowhooo, whooowhooo. Shhhhh.” “Ah, fuckinell. Nrrr.” “Shhhhh.” Cause the police need to be able to walk up to you in that kind of condescending way. “Ok, sonny Jim, what do you think you’re doing, eh?” You know, and they can’t do that on a snowboard because they have to go… “Your taillight’s out, and uh, and uh, you’ve got no, uh, knees.” So anyway, uh, that didn’t happen, that didn’t happen. No, I was just going fast, and I fell, and I smashed my head, and…my head was fine. But my neck went, “Ohh, no. Oooh, no, thank you.”
So I had to go see a chiropractor, in New York. And um, they’re different to osteopaths, chiropractors, because of the spelling. And, uh… Of course, they’re both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though… “Chiropractor…chiropractor…chiropractor…93 letters, chiropractor.”
And – and they, uh, they crack your bones – that’s what they do – they crack your bones! And they take x-rays – what – at this point – this – because – this – whatever is wrong with you – “You’ve got a bad back, I’m gonna crack your bones. You’ve got diphtheria – I’m gonna crack your bones. Your head’s come off! I’m gonna crack your bones. It looks like your mother! I’m going to crack your – “ you know…
And then when they crack your bones it goes uuuughhhh and then ahhhhhhh but not sort of ahhhhhhhhh but sort – ahhhhhhhhh! All the way up your spine, “Crack your bones, crack your bones, crack your bones.” And they sort of arrange you into a – a nice, comfortable – ahhhhcharrghh!…ahhhhpoughhh! And sometimes it doesn’t crack! Sometimes it just goes, “____”. Then they pull a mallet from their belt and they – “Try to make the noise! Make the noise! I live for the noise…” And they do your head as well, around here, and they get it into a nice posit – and you’re thinking, “Wh – wh – where – wh – where – the – wh – the – uh, no I don’t think it’s supposed to go around that – !…”
In the end you just trust them, you trust them. They could have your fingers – their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they’re pushing your spine away with a broom. “Well, what’s this one about?” “I have no idea.” Dodoodododododoododooo! “Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried.”
Also, if you’re in a restaurant and you’re choking to death, you can say the magic words “Heimlich maneuver.” If you’re just coughing and got some – Hei – you say, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. The trouble is, it’s very difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death. Yeah. “*coughing* [muffled speaking]” “You’re heimand’s been removed?” “No no. [muffled speaking]” “You need it removed – right – get – s – ” I don’t know how you remove a heimand. Ummm, but, uh, yeah.
No, Heimlich maneuver – developed by Doctor Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went, “A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha…lobster. Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!” “Oh, what is it, Doctor Heimlich?” “Why are you calling me Doctor Heimlich? I’m you’re husband, for fuck’s sake. Loosen up – don’t be so bloody Prussian.” “Well, what is it, *Gunther*?” “I have invented a maneuver!” “What are you, a bloody tank commander now?” “No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!” I don’t think he actually did it that way. I don’t think it was a *snap* – wing in a pr – . I think he – he must have experimented. He was German, organized. “Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball…” “Pughhh…*cough* I cannot breath.” I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of…” Pughhh! “Ugghhh…*cough*…I still cannot breath.” “Ok, maybe not, maybe this will w – ” Pughhhhh! “[muffled] Jesus fucking Christ!…” “Ok, then maybe with a frying pan…” Pow!… “*cough cough*” “Must be a combination.” Pughhh pughhh! “No, ok – ” Pughhh! Pughhh! “Ok, two frying pans – ” Pughhh pughhh pughh pughhh! “Frying pan in the bullocks – ” Pughhh pughh pughhh! “Bullocks stop – ” Pughhh! “Frying pan – ” Pughh pughh pughh pughh pughh – poghh wooooh!…kughhh… “Oh, he’s dead.” Other doctors going, “How’s it coming along, Doctor Heimlich?” “Well, not very well at the moment. It’s s – not really a maneuver at the moment. It’s more of a gesture.” As the National Rifle Association says, it’s not guns that kill people – it’s maneuvers. Uhhh. But, uh, neh muh neh muh neh.
I'm a - I'm a - f - film nut - a - as well. But – complete nut on films. Used to break into film studios. There’s a – f – a studio called Pinewood Studios near, uh, London. And I broke in there when I was 15. And I crept around, creeping, creeping – a – and hoping that some guy with a big cigar might go, “Hey! A creeping kid! For my film, ‘The Creeping Kid!’ You, you’re in!” “Ahh, me? Uhh, yeah…” But no, it didn’t happen! They were filming tall, angular…veterinarian film that day… I didn’t have my bag. And my hand up a horse’s…anyway.
So, umm. Yes! So – but – I – I – I – we’ve got known in Britain for making the smaller films – smaller – you know. Recently, we’ve been pulling out of that into the more trainspotting area. But the smaller films, they’re kind of, you know, room with a view with a staircase and a pond-type movie. Films with very fine acting, but the drama is rather sort of subsued and – subsumed or – a word like that. And… S – some sub- something or another. You know, j – just folded in and everything’s people opening doors. “Oh, I’m – oh, what? Well, I, ve – oh.” “What is it, Sebastian? I’m arranging matches.” “Well, I - I thought you – … I’d better go.” “Yes, I think you’d better had.” Oohoohoohooo. And you can’t eat popcorn to that! You’re going, “Ahhhhhhhhh… *sigh*.”
Whereas if the film did any little bit of business in America, as lo – as lon – if the film did, s – you know, some decent bit of business, then Hollywood would take it and they’d remake it and they’d up the budget by 50 million and it’d be called the room with a view of Hell! Staircase of Satan! Pond of death. And have people open the door, going, “You’re fucking in here all the time, all the time! You’re in here with the fucking matches! In here with the fucking matches! You’re fucking doing and fucking – begawking!” “You don’t talk to me that way! You don’t talk to me that way! You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?” “I *am* your wife!” “That doesn’t matter! That doesn’t matter! I say again, you fuck my wife?” “All right, yes, I fucked your wife. I am your wife, and I fucked her.” “Dieaaah, gonna – fucking matches – I can’t get ‘em… I’m going to drive around town and put babies on spikes.” Nrrrrr… Fupuhhh! Woohhh! Nrrrrr… Buuh… “Ooha ooha ooh.” Nrrrrr… Fuhfuhafuhafuh…
Oh, no! Space monkeys are attacking! A whole new part of the film that wasn’t in the original… “Ooha ooha ooha ooha rahhhuhrahh! Booom booom booom booom!” “Shh – !” “Booo – ” “Pugh – ” “Damn, its jam!” Dododododo. “Janine, I love you really, even though you fucked my wife…” Fuuughhhhhh… *slurp* “Fucking handbag. With a brick in it! It’s the Queen!” Don’t know who that is.
Yeah. We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War. Yeah, yes, no two ways about it. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary war, they play more esoteric characters. They have characters who turn up and go, “My name is Pierre! I come from Paris. I come to have sex with your family.” “Help yourself…because of the debt of honor to General Lafayette.” You know your own history here… You don’t know who he is, do you!? There was…the Spanish-American War, the French Banana War, what? Revolutionary War! Hung out with Washington. Lafayette. Street named after him in New York. Fuggetit.
But we play bad guys, like take Th – uh, The Empire Strikes Back, from the Star Wars *trilogy*. And uh, you – the Death Star! The Death Star – just full of British actors opening doors and going, “Oh, I’m – oh, oh…” “What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?” “It’s just the Rebels, sir. They’re here.” “My God, man! Do they want tea?” “No, I think they’re after something more than that, sir. I don’t know what it is, but they’ve brought a flag.” Hehe! “Damn, that’s dash cunning of them! Ahh, Lord Vader.” “*heavy breathing* [deep voice] Uhhh, hello.” Hehehe! Cause he was only impressive cause he had that James Earl Jones voice. “[deep voice] I am…I am Vader. The Force is strong with you.” If he had a much more, “[high, unimpressive voice] Hello. Loo’, I’m Lor’ Vader and just – pay a-bloody-ttention, all right? Luke, Luke, the Force is strong with you.” “Is it?” “Yeah.” “Well, who told you that?” “Uhh, so – some bloke! Yeah, he said the force was really rather strong with you.” “Well, how strong?” “Uh, as strong as a small pony.” “Ooohh, that’s quite strong, that is.” The film would never have fucking worked, would it.
And Englebert Humperdinck! Yes, he was the man. That’s not his real name. He’s from Britain, but that’s not his name. There’s very few Humperdincks in Britain. He was born Jerry Dorsey, not Englebert Humperdinck. His parents were not Mr. and Mrs. Humperdinck. They never said, “What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school?” “We shall call him Englebert!” “Good, that’ll work!” No, his name was Jerry Dorsey. And he released – he released songs as Jerry Dorsey. Songs such as “Ohhhh…uvvvahhabecha…” which didn’t work cause nobody could hear what he was saying.
And then his managers, obviously, said, “We’re going to change your name Jerry! It’s the name that’s the problem.” And his name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englebert Humperdinck. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through. “Zinglebert Bembledack! Yingeebert Dymbleban! Zynglebert Bingleback! Winglebert Humptyback! Slut Bonwalla!” “What?” “All right, Cringlebert Fischeebuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundens…” “No, Jerry Dorsey, I like Jerry Do – !” “No, we can’t do… Who we got? Zinglebert Bembledack, Tringlebert Wangledack, Slut Bonwalla, Clingeebun Fistlebars, Dindlebert Zendledack, uhh, Jerry Dorsey, umm, Englebert Humptyback, Zenglebert Bengledack, Englebert Humperdinck, Vinglebert Wingledanck – ” “No, no, go back one. Go back one.” “Englebert Humperdinck.” “That’s it.” And it worked!
But he’s dead now, d’ja hear that? Yeah, today – or – or – I seen – out – I heard this was just coming out. Very weird, cause, umm, uhh, s – sh – Frank Sinatra’s was just recently as well, wasn’t it. Yeah. Hmm. No, le – see, th – this is what I heard on the telly when I coming out. *takes a deep breath, exhales* Ha, It’s not true, heh. *exhales* No, it is true. Umm… Yeah, he was L.A. Something happened. He was in L.A., and that’s – that’s all I caught in the tos – it was just before I came out. So, yeah. *exhales* No, it is true. Uhh… No, he – he was in a car and, uh, in L.A. driving along and something hit him or something – or something like that. [about 25 seconds of pauses and audience laughter] No – no, no, he’s all right, he’s all right! He’s fine! He’s cooking, he’s jumping, he’s doing his thing in L.A. – he’s absolutely fine. [laughter] How do I know? I don’t know, I don’t know! I think he’s got a cold, that’s what they said. No, a tan, that’s it!
But it – back in the 60s, though, back in the 60s, President Kennedy became the President of the United States of America. And uh, and he we – he went to Berlin. Went – stood on the Berlin wall and he said, “People of Berlin…” “[bad Kennedy impersonation] People of Berlin.” I can’t do an impression of President Kennedy so this is… “People of Berlin. Amy dumped – ” No, James Mason playing uh, um… “People of Berlin, I have come to you to tell you something about the American states – what is – I – I sound a bit God, don’t I? But I have come to say to you that every free citizen of the world is a citizen of Berlin. And I wish to say to you, ‘Ich bin ein Berliner.’ ” And the crowd went fucking wild.
Trouble is, “Ich bin ein Berliner” means “I am a donut,” and uhh… This is true, and this is what he said, he said “I am a donut!” And, as I say, 70% of how you look, 20% of how you sound, only 10% is what you say. He said “I am a donut” and they went *wild*! You know. Because “Ich bin Berliner” is “I am a Berliner.” But “Ich bin *ein* Berliner,” is – that’s the name of a donut they have there. And it’s like going to Frankfurt – “I am a Frankfurter!” “Yeah, we’ve heard about that one, Jackie.” Hamburg – “I am a Hamburger, too!” It – lucky he didn’t do a tour of Germany, heh. “I am a Hamburger, a Frankfurter, and a donut.”
But the – it – the people in Berlin must’ve gone, “It – what did – what did he say?” “He said he was a donut!” “I thought he said he was a donut too!” “So what does that mean?” “It’s a slang! It’s American! He’s a donut! He’s a fucking donut. Fucking donut, a fucking donut, a fucking donut. He’s a fucking donut. I think that’s what it must mean. What do you think, Doctor Heimlich?” “Huh? I don’t *cough* – I don’t *cough* – I don’t know, *cough* I have sw – swallowed a football and I can’t *cough* get it – out. Can you per – grab me – perform my maneuver on me, the me maneuver.” “Huh?” “Hilda, Hilda, get me a map of everything.”
He also made a speech about space. President Kennedy said, “By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the surface of the moon.” At the same time, our Prime Minister in Britain, Sir Dingly Dang… You don’t know anyway, do you – you have no idea! It was Sir Fritz Bunwalla. Englebert Slapdeeback, who was Prime Minister at the time, and he stood up and he said, “By the end of this decade, *I* have decided to put a man on the surface of the *earth*!” And so he did.
But, uh, yeah, it was – it was kinda weird. Cause, uhh, uhhh, I mean, uh, you know, we couldn’t do the space race. We had no money, you know, we didn’t – rationing didn’t stop ‘til – the year 2001! I still haven’t even lived that long. But anyway, umm, it j – we just – we just didn’t have any money. So, uh, you were getting, uh, space rockets, testing them, can – a cat, dog, a fish, a monkey up into space. The fish was interesting. Umm… We didn’t have enough money to put a man in a track chute of a ladder! I mean, I would’ve been there – “Go man, go!” “I’m going, I’m going! ‘Ang on!” “Just hang on to the ladder!” “Hello, Swindon, I am here. Swindon, can you hear me?” “Swindon here, we are monitoring you on our instruments at the moment, we’ve got you on a tuba. That should be a bigger laugh for that joke, I think.” “Yeah, I can’t quite understand it; I thought it was really funny. Swindon, knackered, a Fresno town.” “They don’t seem to be going for it. They’re obviously bastards.” “Ah – well anyway Swindon, I’m nearly at the moon – ahmm, actually, that’s a bit of an understatement, that one, umm – have you got another big ladder, another big ladder, I don’t think we’re quite at the moon yet. But I can see right over the top of the houses! Fantastic!”
But they went to the moon, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin – and Neil Ki – and Michael Collins, going round and round, in – uh, working out the IRA thing. And uh… And Neil stepped on the moon and said, “One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind.” Nnn – good line but not his line, I don’t think it – it didn’t feel like his line. You know. Ahh, I bet that was just given to him and he was coming down the steps going, “Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don’t get it wrong, Neil. Don’t fuck it up. Here we go. I’m a small man with a giant big – shit!… One man, small giant, two…two mens… What was it?”
Cause you gotta say something. You can’t go down to the moon and go, “Ooh, it’s all sticky! It’s covered in jam.” You can’t land on the moon and go, “Fuckinell, I’ve been in that spacecraft…uhh… Right, I need a piss.” You can’t land on the moon and wind down the window and go, “Is this – Sea of Tranquility, Sea of Tranquility, is this Sea of Tranquility? Sea of Tranquility?” There’s no one around!
But he had a sense of humor so he should have used it. Cause there was that – there was that, umm, uh, uh, that lunar module there – fixed camera, just fixed, not panning left or right, just – just stationary. So he could’ve been there saying, “Hi, people on the moon. As you can see, the Sea of Tranquility here, there’s the mountains in the distance, there’s the earth! There, you’re looking back up at yourselves there. Over to my right, I can see a fucking monster! There’s a monster behind me! Ohhhh! Ohhh no, help! Ahhh! Get off my leg! Ohhhahhhhh!… Neeeahhhh!” Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit: “Ohhhhahhhh! Ohhhhahhhh!” Neil doing close-up with – “He’s got me, Houston. The monster’s got me! He wants cash! He’s got my hand up behind my back. I think he knows jujitsu! He wants cash for the release of my life. Send a million to – two million dollars, leave it in a bag by the Sea of Tranquility. I don’t know, the North Shore! What the fuckinell…” Oh, it would have worked, wouldn’t it?
But I’m going to finish up today by talking about my, uhh, ‘bout – about puberty! Because, uh, which is a, kind of, you know, spiky subject. But it – it’s interesting, because, you know, there’s things like these kids started shooting people, which you’ve had in America. Because guns don’t kill people, it’s just, uh, uhh, that certain noise they make. And umm… Uhh, it’s just a bullet ripping through peoples’ bodies. That’s what kills people! Erhhh… Yeah, have guns but don’t allow any ammunition. There! We got it! We got it sorted! And they just go, erhhhhhoh… *thunk*.
So, yeah. Umm, but puberty was, well, before puberty, I was – a – at school I didn’t tell kids I was a transvestite cause I thought they might – kill me with sticks. You know?… “Why?” “I don’t know, he said a word we didn’t understand. And he won at Scrabble with it.” So, yes. So, uh, I played – I – I – most transvestites fancy girls. And you can tell people this, “Yes, most transvestites fancy girls.” “Well who told you that?” “A transvestite told me that!” “Probably lives in a cave somewhere.” “No, an *executive* transvestite did! “Oh, really? Wow. Fantastic…”
So, yeah. So I played kiss chase with the girls. Tag a girl, she has to kiss you, kinda sexy. But then puberty came! Puberty came and destroyed my confidence, destroyed my everything! Which, I think, is part of the thing that causes these kids to go off and – and – and – and – and do – and commit murder, essentially.
Cause it is such a hell of a gear change cause think about it! It’s the one time – cause before puberty, girls and boys are going, “Girls! Ehhhhh!” “Boys! Uhhhuhhh!” Then it gets to puberty and instead they’re going, “Girls! Ohhhhoh – ” or – you know, “Boys, boys,” you know, whatever sexual preference you’re going, but you just start switching on at that series – “Rrrrhhhvvvhvvh”.
And you think, “God, I want to get off on some of these people. I better look my best.” And then Mother Nature says, “No will look the worst you’ve ever looked in your life!” *blows raspberry* “Hold on, where did I get all this from? Jesus! It’s – ewhhhuhewhhhuhewhhhuh.” We repulse ourselves! I mean, I used – I used to look at the mirror and go, “Well, I’m not going to shag me, that’s for certain!” Cause that’s what narcissism is all about, is looking in the mirror and going, “God, I’d like to have sex with myself,” you know? You know, it’s all sort of self-attraction thing. And then when – you’re at the – uh, you go – the acne thing, you just go, “Uhhuhhh, no way.” And parents should tell you the facts of puberty! “Look, your hair’s going to go greasy, your face will become a general plague area… Here’s a book on the Black Death, uhmmm… Tufts of hair will grow on your chin, not in a sexy stubble way, but in a continuing plague theme. Down here, I’m not going to even *talk* about that! But here’s a picture of your Uncle Jim… Well, sorry, Sal, I, uh… No, that’s your aunt, sorry, umm… Ah, it’s Queen Victoria.”
Umm, yes, so uh, and it’s over months and years, isn’t it. Puberty’s over months and years. It should be *one day*, get the fucker over with. Go into school, “[falsetto] Sorry I’m late, I don’t know why I was late.” By the time you get home, “Right, I’m going home to get a job with a drill.” And that one day at school will be wi – “[falsetto] Sorry I don’t [low voice] know the answer to that question, [falsetto] I don’t [ low voice] ehhuhhhhhhh… [falsetto] ‘Scuse me, can I be excused? [low voice] I seem to have the plague…”
And then I had to *chat up* girls and I had never used it – my vocal ability to chat up girls and when your voice is breaking it’s very hard. It’s going, “[low voice] Uhwhine… Susan, I really quite, [falsetto] uh, fancy you! [low voice] I saw you in the [falsetto] plague room!” I had to *chat up* girls and I’d only tagged them before and I didn’t have the verbal power to be able to say, “Susan, I saw you in the classroom today, uh… As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, ‘I fancy you.’ ” But no. At 13, you’re just going, “ ‘ello, Sue. I’ve got legs. Djo like – bread? I’ve got a French loaf. *raspberry* Bye! I love you!”
So, it was all not working very well. And uh, and later on, when we become m – more mature – when we become more mature, we have that line, where if you’re getting – if you’re talking to someone, getting on well, you can say that great line, “Djo want a cup of coffee?” And if they go, “Uhhhiiiiiee yeah, ok,” then sex is on, yeah. That’s the unwritten rule.
Doesn’t always work. If the president of Burundi says, “Would you like a cup of coffee,” you’re not supposed to go, “Huhrr, I’m in here!” “And how do you take it?” “Anywhere, find it, big boy! Oh, just a cup of coffee, all right… I thought you meant ‘Do you want a cup of *coffee*!’ So you’re from Burundi, are you? Fantastic! Yeah! No, I know, it’s near Zaire, isn’t it? Near Tanzania, yeah. Yeah. No, I learned them all when I had chicken pox. Now I got to go now, cause my, uh, grandmother’s on fire, and uh…”
But normally it does work as long as you keep the chat sexy. “Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women! Hot and strong… With a spoon in them. Ahh, the curve of the spoon, the curve of your breast. I like to run the spoon [talking with tongue sticking out] across my lips…” Then you’re pretty close, yeah.
And I was a very – very driven Boy Scout. Very driven Boy Scout! Driven everywhere I was. And, uh… And I, uh… This is such a crap joke! Heh. Other nights I’ve never even said it cause I thought, “So crap…” I’m just laughing that you laughed. Anyway. But I was, I was a – a driven Boy Scout. No, I was actually just – driven. You know, I was just a, uhh, umm, forget this.
Anyway, so, umm… Yeah, I had all the badges. I had all the badges, I had my sort of landing on the moon badge! You know, advanced badges. My, uh, ehh, nuclear fusion…badge, and my, uh, ehh, manar com bagen disguise kit badge. Which was great, and, uh, so I was a top scout! I was a chief scout, Habaran tribe and everything.
And me and this other guy who was a chief scout, we went on an outing, a sort of chaperones for these girls who were slightly younger at school. So it was 10 girls, two boys – pretty good odds for a shagged. We go to an activity center where you climb a tree and eat a sausage and it’s kind of, uh, you know… It builds your character so you know about sausages.
And we end up in a swimming pool! And I’m doing splashy splashy with this girl I really fancy. And she’s doing splashy splashy back and I’m going, “Fuckinell, splashy back!” You know. Cause splashy splashy is the aquatic equivalent of “Do you want a cup of coffee?” Right? So splashy splashy’s going well and I suddenly think, I know! I’ll turn! I’ll do swimmy swimmy, and then maybe she’ll do swimmy swimmy too in a kind of chase me chase me way and then we’d do catchy catchy and underwater sexy sexy! But I turned a – and I was so elated that splashy splashy was actually working that I just swam like a boy chased by sharky sharky! I swam, swam and I swam, and I was in when they caught up to me! And that’s a long way from England. Cause it goes England, Venezuela, Beirut, Africa, Cincinnati, Hanging Gardens of Babylon… It’s near Switzerland.
So, yeah. It was just – wasn’t working. And I was – I was saving my virginity! An - and you know – it’s cool to lose our virginity at 13. *snap* Yeah, say, “Yeah, I was 13, she was 25, you know… I know, I was…I was an animal! What can I say?” You know. But I was saving my virginity for a woman made out of breasts! And, uh… And I was getting on! I was 18 and they were going, “Have you done it, have you done it yet?” I was going, “Uhh, I’m not from your country.” Go on to college, you know, still nothing, and I was – and I thought, “Stop saving yourself for some imaginary person who doesn’t – isn’t there! Just – just – just lose your virginity! Just find anyone, anyone, as long as they’ve got a pulse. Or not! Pulse optional!” And I was 21 before I lost my virginity. 21! That’s not cool at all, is it? But then I tell everyone about it, so that’s quite cool. And I’ve done it since then.
And, umm… But the weirdest thing of all was I actually lost my virginity a year before I lost my virginity. I was, uh, yeah – weird! I was – whi – what – a year before, when I was 20, I actually had a night of whey hey hey hey! So the next morning it was one of those post-virginity breakfasts, I was thinking, you know. “Hey, just sit there. [singing] Breakfast cereal, bacon and eggs. Bit of coffee bubbling away. Freshly squeezed mango juice!” She’s going, “You’re very chipper this morning.” I’m going, “Yeah, yeah, fuckinell! Yeah! Cause last night, ha heh heh! [singing] lost my virginity!” “Oh yeah, with who?”
I did this for an hour, and I was – I was going, “With you! With you! What the fuck, buck, bawk bawk bawk bawk! What the fuck was last night all about? What – ” You know. And she said, “N – no!” And we had this conversation and the words ejaculation came into the conversation, and the world ‘premature’ as well. And I came back with, “No, ejaculation – mature, mature ejacula – *Not* premature, post-mature, veteran ejaculation! Wise, learned man ejaculation. Mature man who does the washing up-type…” But she said, “No!” She vetoed it! She was China in the United Nations Security Council. Uh, in th – the United Nations Security Council Of My Virginity. And, uh… So it just didn’t work! It was – fucked me off, I tell you.
But she’s dead now, so umm… No, she isn’t… No, she was in L.A., in a car, with, uhh, Englebert Humperdinck, and… So that’s the end of my show. And I do like to end the show with a kind of “Oh,” feeling, and, uh…and I think I’ve done that quite well. But thank you very much for being here. I hope you’ve enjoyed it. Yeah…
What? Now, um, I just want to talk quickly about language and then we can all… Cause yeah, language. They do say that Britain and America are two countries separated by the Atlantic Ocean. And uh, and it’s true. No, they – they – say two languages separated by – two countries separated b – by common language, that’s the line. I think it’s an Oscar Wilde line, I think.
And we do pronounce things in a different way! Like you say ‘caterpillar’ and we say ‘caterpillar.’ And, uh… No, you say ‘a-*loo*-min-um,’ we say ‘a-loo-*min*-yum. You say ‘cen-*tri*-fugal,’ we say ‘centri-*fu*-gal.” You say ‘leisure!’ We say ‘lie-sur-eye-ay.’ Uhh, uh, you say ‘bay-sil’, we say ‘bah-sil,’ and you say ‘erbs,’ and we say ‘herbs!’…because there’s a fucking ‘h’ in it.
But you spell ‘through’ ‘T-H-R-U,’ and I’m with you on that. Cause we spell it ‘thruff!’ And that’s trying to cheat at Scrabble. “How can we get that “ooo” sound?” “Well, a ‘U’ will work.” “What about an ‘O’ as well?” “No, we don’t need it, we’re fine.” “No, I think an ‘O’ in.” “Well, all right.” “And a ‘G’ as well.” “What?” “Yes, a ‘G’ would be good.” “…‘guh’ sound?” “Yes, we need a – a silent ‘guh,’ just in the background, in case of any accidents or something.” “Well, all right.” “And an ‘H’ as well!” “Fuckinell, ‘ang on!” “An ‘H!’ In case some herbs come along!” “All right.” “And a ‘Q,’ and a ‘P,’ and a ‘zed.’ Look! It’s a word in Scrabble that’s 480 points!” So yes. And uh…w – we do have s – you know, s – slight differences in that arena.
But, uh, in Europe we have 200 languages. Two hundred languages! Just count them! I know you won’t! But, uh… But a total – l – languages. And future generations of Europeans, I’m sorry Europeans, but we’re going to have to be bilingual. We are going to have to be, and English speakers hate this. “Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord, man! You’re asking the impossible!” “But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!” “Yes, but they’re cheating! Everyone knows marijuana is a drug enhancement, that can help you on track in field, to come – last in a team – of eight million…eight million other runners who are all dead.”
I don’t know how the Dutch do it, but anyway – cause we’re going to have to learn! And the reason we’re going to have to learn is, one, for – being groovy, and just getting out there and doing it; but the second one, we just lose a lot of business, in Europe. In the rest of Europe. Cause German people phone up and going, “Wir haben funf millionen Deutschmark, fuer die Auto – ” “Just fuck off, willya mate?! I thought he was speaking German, I told him to go away! I said… I don’t know, something about funf millionen Deutschmark and I told him to get knotted! We don’t want any of his Deustchy Markys. We do?! We do want that?! Oh, I’m terribly sorry! Oh fuck, redial.” Yeah. So, uh…
So I’m into this! I’m into this idea – this idea i – i – it’s – it’s – it’s a good – it’s a positive thing, man. And, uh, I took my last show, my last show, Glorious, I took to, uhh, to Paris and I did it in French, for the – a – a – and the French people came and they stared at me, uh, with that look on their eyes of, “Quoi?” Umm… Because, you know, there’s – there’s no standup in France, and – and umm, and they’re not used – seeing – to – seeing – people who’re used to speaking French.
But I was doing it, you know, cause I thought it would be a positi – I mean, we could be the biggest melting pot in the world! Biggest melting pot in the world! Five hundred million people! All we got to do is melt a bit! Just move it arouuund! Fucking move it arouuuuund! And it was partly that and partly just to go, “Yeahh, ewhhh, ehhh, eh…”
So I did that, and I learned French in school, up there at the age 16 and, uh, and then I just kept – talking it endlessly after that. And uhh, and uh, school – the first page I ever learned in French was full of things which are difficult to get into a conversation. Uhh, things like, “The mouse is underneath the table.” “La souris est en dessous de la table.” Just slip that in when you’re buying a ticket to Paris… “Le train à Paris, oui? C'est ici? Maintenant? Oh, cinq minutes. [The train to Paris…it's here? Now? Oh, five minutes.] La souris est en dessous de la table…”
The m – the c – the other line was, uh, “The cat is on the chair.” “Le chat est sur la chaise,” slightly more easier to fit in, and, “The monkey’s on the branch.” “Le singe est sur la branche.” *Very* difficult to get into a conversation! Not a lot of jungle in France! Monkeys, thin on the ground. Thin in the air! Just generally pretty trim. And, yes. So, i – i – it just wasn’t working.
I mean, we go to bars and cafés! That’s where we go. We go to bars and cafés, we sit there, and we…and we have chats in the – the cafés. “Oui, j'aime beaucoup le café, le café noir…oui, très fort et très chaud...avec une cuiller dedans. Ehuhhhh… Ahh, le virage – la cuiller, le virage – la poitrine… Je mets la cuiller dans la bouche…” “Je suis le président de Burundi.” “Ah, oui, Burundi! Uhhh, je le connais bien. C'est tout près de Zaïre, eh? Heh! Tout près de Mozambique. Non, Tanzania, Tanzania! Ha ha ha! Oui, j'ai les appris quand j'ai les pox de poulet. Je dois partir maintenant par ce qu ma grand-mère est flambée…
[“Yes, I like coffee very much, black coffee…yes, very strong and very hot…with a spoon in it. [talking with tongue sticking out] Ahh, the curve – the spoon, the curve – the breast… I put the spoon in my mouth…” “I am the president of Burundi.” “Ah, yes, Burundi! I know it well. Yes, it's quite near Zaire, eh? Quite near Mozambique. No, Tanzania, Tanzania! Ha ha ha! Yes, I learned of them when I had chicken pox. I must go now because my grandmother is on fire.”]
If you don’t speak French, by the way, all that was fucking funny. All right… We go and get hotel rooms for the night! “Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?” “Oui, nous avons une chamber – nous sommes un hôtel.” “Je voudrais un chamber, uhh, uh, avec un grand lit, un grand lit,” a large bed, “avec et une vue de la mer, a vue,” uh, a view of the sea, “uhh, et avec, uhhh, avec, uh, avec une douche, uhh with a spider.” “Oui, monsieur.” “Uhhh, C'est cha – chambre quarante – quarante-deux, monsieur, quarante-deux.” “Merci, beaucoup, mais la souris est en dessous de la table, le chat est sur la chaise, et le singe est sur la branche.” “Quoi? Il y a un singe sur la branche? Le chat – la – la – la souris? Où est le singe?” “Le singe est sur la branche.” “Est-ce que le singe est dans la chambre?” “Non…le singe n'est pas dans la chambre. Michèle est dans la chamber…avec le président de Burundi.”
[“Do you have a room, sir?” “Yes, we have a room – we are a hotel.” “I would like a room with a large bed, and a view of the sea, and a shower, with a spider.” “Yes, sir.” “Uhhh, it’s ro – room forty – forty-two, sir, forty-two.” “Thank you very much, but the mouse is under the table, the cat is on the chair, and the monkey is on the branch.” “What? There is a monkey on the branch? The cat – the – the – the mouse? Where is the monkey?” “The monkey is on the branch.” “Is the monkey in the room?” “No…the monkey is not in the room. Michele is in the room…with the president of Burundi.”]
In the end, the only way I could get that line into a conversation was I had to *go* to France with a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a table and chair!…and wander around heavily wooded areas!… “Someone’s coming! Someone’s coming! Quick! Positions! Posit - les positions! Tout de suite! Tout de suite! Vas-y! Vas-y!… Bonjour!” “Fwuh. Heya, bonjour. Qu'est-ce qui se passe?” “Bonjour. Je suis anglais. Je suis ici en vacances. C'est très belle ici, les couleurs, les bois; ahh, très belle.” “Fwwuuh. Ahhehhh.” “Hyayhyay heh.” “Tu es un travesti?” “Oui, je suis un travesti, mais pas un travesti typical. Je suis un travesti executif…un travesti d'action.” “Très bien.” “Mais la souris est en dessous de la table, le chat est sur la chaise, et le singe…le singe est disparu!”
[“Positions! Right away! Right away! Go! Go!… Hello!” “Hello. What's happening?” “I am English. I am here on holiday.” “It's very beautiful here, the colors, the woods; ahh, very beautiful.” “Fwwuuh. Ahhehhh.” “Hyayhyay heh.” “You are a transvestite?” “Yes, I am a transvestite, but not a typical transvestite. I am an executive transvestite…a transvestite of action.” “Very good.” “But the mouse is under the table, the cat is on the chair, and the monkey…the monkey has disappeared!”]
Cause the monkey would fuck off! It’d go and do its own thing! It was a bloody monkey! He was a cheeky monkey. And he knew my French wasn’t very good so he’d go off and do things!
“Oh, le singe est là-bas. Regarde! Il est sur une bicyclette, il joue au banjo, il fume une pipe. Maintenant il arrête, il lit un journau, il lit un journau…I see…et maintenant il est dans l'autobus, dans l’autobus…il conduit l'autobus, and et Sandra Bullock est dans l'autobus. Il y a une bombe dans l'autobus. Il faut conduire l'autobus plus de cinquante kilomètres par l'heure, et Keanu Reeves, il arrive dans la voiture…il n'a pas de cheveux, et Jeff Daniels est déjà mort. Et regarde! Il essaie à se jette dans l'autobus. Et Dennis Hopper, oh, Dennis Hopper, quel méchant!
[Oh, the monkey is over there. Look! He is on a bike, he is playing the banjo, he is smoking a pipe. Now he stops, he is reading a paper, he is reading a paper…I see…and now he is on the bus, on the bus…he is driving the bus, Sandra Bullocks is on the bus. There is a bomb on the bus. He has to drive over 50km per hour, and Keanu Reeves arrives in a car…he has no hair, and Jeff Daniels is already dead. And look! He tries to jump on the bus. And Dennis Hopper, oh, Dennis Hopper, what a bad guy!]
That was the film ‘Speed’ in French. Which in France was called “La Vitesse!” Or at least it should have been but in fact it was called ‘*Speed*.’ Yeah.
So, in conclusion, ladies…and jellyspoons. Umm… America. You have the American Dream. You *have* the American dream! We haven’t got the European dream yet! That’s what we’ve got to get! We’ve got to get a dream! A dream to build on! You have the American dream. The dream is to be born in a gutter and – raised and grow up and – et, uh – get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go *raspberry*! The American dream! A fantastic dream of – money in your ears and swimming through fivers… The American dream! In Europe, I don’t know, we haven’t got a dream yet. Erh – erh – at the mom – well, the dream was, the dream was, “Uhhhhhh…uhhhuhh!…get on you fucker…uhhhhh…uhhh…flag…no, that’s not…ohhhh…ohhhh!…ohhhhhh! Ohh God! Oh, Hilda, Hilda, wake up, Hilda!” “What is it, Doctor Heimlich, you waking up-type person?!” “I dreamt that every country in Europe spoke a different language and they hated each other – oh, that’s true, isn’t it? Yes…” That was the dream. But now, maybe now, the dream is to be in the south of Europe, to be in Greece! in Italy! in Spain, and to be on a moped with no helmet on, riding along, going, “Ciao.” That’s a pretty cool dream. It’s not much of a dream, but it’s as good as we’ve got so far. And it’s pretty funky, cause when you die…you look a mess. But, ummm… I don’t know. I just like it. It ju – nrrrrrrrrr – cause you’re on a fucking hairdryer, for God’s s – nrrrrrrrrr –there’s dogs walking faster than you - nrrrrrrrrr! It’s just pretty damn cool for me. The Amer – that’s the European dream. Thank you very much.
Eddie Izzard Quotes, Eddie Izzard Pics, Eddie Izzard Pictures, Dressed to Kill, Glorious, Definite Article
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Other mass murderers have gotten away with it...Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, well done there. Pol Pot killed 1.7 million Cambodians, died under house arrest, age 72. Well done, indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is because they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Oh, help yourself! You know? We've been trying to kill you for ages! So, if you kill your own people, right on, then. But Hitler killed people next door.... stupid man. After a couple of years, we won't stand for that, will we? Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people, and we can't even deal with that. We think that if someone kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital and they look at you through a small window forever. And over that, we can't deal with it. You know? If somebody's killed 100 thousand people, we're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100 thousand people?! You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, lunch, death, death, death, afternoon tea, death, death, death, quick shower.
Everyone fucking lies! When we're kids, we lie our heads off! "I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I was dead at the time! I was on the moon...with Steve." And your dad's going, "I haven't even accused you of anything yet!" "Well then what is it? What is it? What? What?" "Did you brush your teeth?" "No! Yes! What's the correct answer? I was dead at the time!" Then when you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass. I've broken this...is that expensive? I broke it...I'll pay for that." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people who have strong personalities." "And I've broke other things! I've smashed that...and that's gone...and I've just thrown the cat out the window."
The Emperor Fabulous
Eddie Izzard
Dressed to Kill Transcript
by Eddie Izzard
Mirlyn
Well-Known Member
BeardofPants
New Member
Nobleman: I thank you for not stealing the pantaloons, and I will thank you kindly not to mention the stuffing in the codpiece.
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!
NAME: Greg Bulmash (only thing I edited)
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
NAME: Greg Bulmash (only thing I edited)
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
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Shadowfax
<b>mod cow</b>
BeardofPants
New Member
Missing the 'moot shenanigans, oz? 
BeardofPants said:Missing the 'moot shenanigans, oz?
Gettin' stranger and stranger over there
facinating reading Pasting...
surfing, downloading (e.g. music, video), gaming, chatting
you can surf and talk at the same time** - no more family rows about using the phone!
you can stay in touch more easily - near-instant email, instant messaging and no more dial-up delay
you can say goodbye to internet call charges - you're online, all the time, for a fixed fee
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
-------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
-------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.