The Plane

A man went to the doctor's because he suffered from terrible headaches.
The doctor gave him a full exam and shook his head. "I'm sorry," the
doctor said, " You have an inoperable brain tumor and will need to have a brain transplant immediately. I can operate on you today but you'll need to pick out a brain."

The man followed the doctor into another room to pick out his brain.
"Okay," the doctor said, "the men's brains are over here and cost $100,000. Or you could get a woman's brain, over there, those cost $30,000. Pick which ever one you want."

The man could not help but ask, "Why such a difference in price between the male and the female brain?"

"Well," the doctor replied, "you have to take into account that the female brain was actually used."
 
Men are like computers because:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
 
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
 
Training Courses for Men

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You, Too, Can Do Housework

3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques: formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks"

8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception

9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook

10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You: The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons to Give Flowers

15. How to Stay Awake in Public

16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom

17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb

18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try

19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower

20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please

21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down: formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet"

22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms

23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull

24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost

25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex

27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too

29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home

30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

31. Seeing the True You: formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked"

32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary

34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary

35. Techniques for calling home
 
Hex - :rofl4:


Now, I'll add one:
Recent scientific studies prove that alcohol contains several women's hormones.
Wanna know why?, get drunk and try to drive well and say smart things.
 
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What is the quickest way to a man's Heart ???
Through his chest with a sharp knife .......

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
 
... A young man went shopping. He bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna, a small jar of mayo, a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When he came to the
counter the girl at the cashregister smiled at him and said;
"Dearest, You must be single."
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"

"No, because You´re so goddamn ugly..."
 
... A man was walking across the road with his wife when he was involved in an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness.
When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again.You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."
She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."
He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."
"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. I never seem to be promoted and my hard work isn't recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now...And you were still beside me..."
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband
"And now I've had an accident and when I woke up, you are here besid me...".
There's something I'd really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion.
He said, "I think you bring me bad luck ... now fuck off"
 
... A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her,
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them
 
After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas.

Tom says "I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW".

Harry asked "if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW".

"So if she didn't like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW" said Tom, "well what did you get your wife?"

Harry replies "well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo".

Tom laughs and askes "why did you get her a dildo?"

"Well so if she didn't like the flip flops she could go screw herself"
 
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