Some incredibly bad jokes :tomato:

pete and repete are sitting on a fence. pete falls off who is left? repete

pete and repete are sitting on a fence. pete falls off. who is left? repete.

pete and repete are sitting on a fence pete falls off. who is left? repete



:rofl:@pt
 
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "Arrrr, we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Arrrr...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into me eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Arrrrr...", said the pirate, "...it was me first day with the hook."
 
:rofl4:


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born
without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son
is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is
proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the
bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooop! A torso pops out!


The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.


The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still
shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender
ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and
tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the
left....then to the right.... right through the front door,
into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...

"He should have quit while he was a head!"
 
So. The man in the cab realizes he gave the driver the wrong destination address and he leans up to tap the driver on the shoulder. When he does, though, the driver flips out - he screams and jerks the steering wheel over causing the taxi to cut across the median, through two lanes of oncoming traffic, down a sidewalk, and finally coming to a rest by crashing into a lightpole. The men are a little shaken, but not terribly hurt. The driver turns around to the guy and apologizes - it's his first day driving a taxi after being a hurst driver for 20 years.

:D
 
Raven said:
why do american jokes always start midconversation :confused:
Click to expand...

To keep the Brits, Aussies, Kiwi's, and Canucks from getting the punch line... :grinyes:

What do you name a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter. It won't come when you call it anyway...
 
Here's one: (And no, it's not 'wrong')
This NY Times(TM) reporter decides to do a piece on the life in the Ozarks. So he packs his things up, and decides to head into the small town in the Ozarks. As he's in there he starts talking to the locals, and he finds out that their's one person who's been in this small town for almost 80 years. So, he's thinking, "80 years! Man, he has to have some nice stories about this place!"
Well, the towns people are nice enough to direct the reporter to the house of this old man. As he shows up, he says to the old man, "Sir, I'm here with the NY times, and I'm doing a piece about Life In the Ozarks, do you have any funny stories you could share with us?"
The old man thinks for a moment, and then replies, "Sure! One time Ol' farmer Johnston's goat got lost in the mountains. So we formed a search party, drank some moonshine, found it, fucked it, and brought it back home!"
The Reporter, kinda put at odds with this story, replies, "Well, I...Uh, really can't put that int he paper. Do you have any...Happy Stories you could share with us?"
THe old man thinks for a moment, and replies again, "Well, one time the Mayor's daughter got lost in the woods. So, we formed a search party, drank some moonshine, found her fucked her, and brought her back home!"
The reporter, really shocked now, says, "I..I really can't use that either. How about any Sad stories?"
This time, the old man thinks for a moment, sighs looks at the ground and mumbles, "Well, one time I got lost..."
 
A man crashes his plane in the middle of the Ozarks. Miraculously, he walks away with only a few cuts and bruises. Unfortunately, he's in the middle of absolutely nowhere, and there is no one for miles around. He has to survive off the land, just him and nature. Six months pass, and as he's walking around he sees another man. Naturally, he was excited, since it had been six months since he'd had any human contact. So the two men start talking, when the second guy tells the first guy that he's having a party that night at his place, if he wants to come over. The first guy excitedly accepts the invitation.
So first, the second guy warns him: "There's going to be lots and lots of drinking."
"No problem, I can handle my liquor," the first guy says.
"There's going to be lots and lots of fighting, too."
"I'm down with that, I could use a good fight.
"And there's going to be lots and lots of sex."
"Alright!" the first guy says. "I could use some of that too! Hey, wait a second... this isn't going to be black tie or anything will it?"
"Don't worry about that," the second guy says, "it's just going to be the two of us."
 
MrBishop said:
Nice one Digital :)
Click to expand...

Awww, Thanks! I'm starting to feel some love here, now. Maybe I should avoid the Real World...Nah.

(Lame as fuckin hell, but funny) Have you heard about the New Pirate Movie? It's rated Arrrrr.
(Does anyone have any more whitey jokes?) What's 12 inches long and white? Absolutly Nothing! (Read as a phallus joke)

Hey look, I've got what every man wants! *cups his chest* Tits. (Gotta love self-depreciative humor)

Anyone wanna hear a few Jesus Jokes? (Waiting for a green-light before I set forth my arsonel) :la: (Damn that Emoticon rocks!)
 
Digital said:
Anyone wanna hear a few Jesus Jokes? (Waiting for a green-light before I set forth my arsonel) :la: (Damn that Emoticon rocks!)
Click to expand...

* Green light

:headbng2:
 
Luis G said:
* Green light

:headbng2:
Click to expand...
SWEET!!!! I'm holding you to it, Modman!

2 drunks are in a bar, and the first drunk says to the other, "Dude, did you know this place is magical? If you die you'll be magically reincarnated" The second drunk replies, "No way man, there's no such thing as magic!" So the first drunk says "Yes there is, watch this!" and jumps out the window. The drunken man falls 5 stories onto a concrete sidewalk and slatters over the ground. Seconds later he's resurrected in the middle of the room. The Second drunk, in complete astonishment, runs and takes a flying leap out the window. BOOM the second drunk slpatters over the concrete. No resurrection, nothing. A few moments later, the bartender says, "Jesus, you're an asshole when you're drunk, you know that?"

Adolph Hitler dies and is standing in front of the gates of Heaven. As he's walking in, St. Peter almost lets him through until he realizes it's Adolph Hitler. So he stops him and says, "You can't come in! You've commited too many attrocities to be alloud!"
Hitler, upset at the accusations replies, "What?! That's bullshit! Let me talk to your superior!"
So, St. Peter summons Jesus. As Jesus steps forward, he motions for Adolph to come on in. Quickly he realizes who he is, and stops him and tells him he cannot come in. Hitler now calms down a little, and says, "Look, if you let me in, I'll give you an Iron Cross. How about it?"
Jesus, at this time, decides to take it up with God. As he goes to God he tells him who's at the gates, and that he wants in. God laughs, and replies, "My son, he's evil. We cannot let him in,"
Jesus then replies with, "But god, he promiced to give me an Iron Cross,"
God looks at him with perplexion and says, "You could barely carry a wooden one! Why would you want one made of iron?"

Grand Fanallie: Have you seen the new Snickers commercial? It has Jesus Christ on the cross and it says "Not going anywhere for a while?"
 
Jesus comes upon a crowd stoning a prostitute. "Here, here," he says, "stop all this. Let the one among you who has never committed fornication cast the first stone." Most of the crowd looks a little sheepish, but one little old lady comes and picks up the biggest rock she can carry, walks up and bonks the prostitute right on the head with it. "Mom," Jesus says, "sometimes you really piss me off."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top