?..you're most painful food related incident
- Thread starter dragonstar
- Start date
I feel this story belongs here.
---
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2
-- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 --
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC..
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with
almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something
scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
---
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2
-- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 --
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC..
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with
almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something
scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
My aunt bought my uncle some hot sauce for Christmas that required a waiver. It's the hottest available in Canada, she bought it at a hot sauce store (I was with her). He used a spot smaller than a penny for two eggs and ham one morning for breakfast...he said if your mouth was empty you were fine but even when he put in a piece of egg with none on it (the bit he used only covered the first egg) you could still feel the burn, he loves it.
TexasRaceLady
Active Member
Now my food story has nothing to do with hot sauce --- it has to do with curry powder.
In short, I found a recipe that sounded so delicious. Bought all the requisite stuff, cooked all day --- was in heaven at the smell. Hubby comes home, goes bonkers at the wonderful aroma.
We sit down, take a bite --- head out the door for some fast food. Neither one of us can stand curry.
However, the neighborhood dogs didn't seem to mind it. LOL
-------------
And, it's gettin' on toward rodeo season around here. Sure hope we don't have a "Frank" as a judge at the chili cookoffs. hehehe
In short, I found a recipe that sounded so delicious. Bought all the requisite stuff, cooked all day --- was in heaven at the smell. Hubby comes home, goes bonkers at the wonderful aroma.
We sit down, take a bite --- head out the door for some fast food. Neither one of us can stand curry.
However, the neighborhood dogs didn't seem to mind it. LOL
-------------
And, it's gettin' on toward rodeo season around here. Sure hope we don't have a "Frank" as a judge at the chili cookoffs. hehehe
highwayman
New Member
TexasRaceLady said:
That's one way to get even with the dogs barking all night...
AlphaTroll
New Member
I remember working with chilis a while ago, had to get through a helluva lot (I was preserving them etc) and eventually my hands were burning (heck, everything was burning) - the skin around my nails got so damaged that it started peeling, was rather gross.
Uki Chick
New Member
My ex decided to suprise me one day years ago and make a stew. He was so proud of it. He new I liked paprika, so he put a bunch in, or so he thought. He actually used chilli powder by mistake. I took one bite and though my head was gonna blow up from the heat. He didn't understand until he took a bite and realized then what he did.
highwayman
New Member
Ooops. I made some pickeled salmon last year and when I opened up the first jar it started to phisss like a soda and smelled BAAAAD... the whole batch got flushed without being tasted....
woodman19_99
New Member
Alright, here goes. Junior year in college I headed out west to go skiing during spring break. Got picked up by super shuttle to go to Dulles and proceeded to get there way early. Decided that airport food was better than airline food, so I ordered up some burger king and scarfed it down. About 1/2 our later, my stomach started to get a little queasy and I figured that since that normally happens after I eat fast food no big deal. Got a pack of gum (yellow Carefree) and shoveled 5 pieces in my mouth. Okay, so 15 minutes or so goes by and we line up to bored the plain. Still not feeling great, but I get on anyway. Flight was basically empty on a 2-5-2 seat plane so I had a whole middle row to myself. As we begin to pull away, I ask the flight attendant for some plain soda water thinking maybe this will help. Took a couple sips, laid down for 5 minutes, then BOOKED it to the bathroom, before we even took off. I proceeded to throw up, then had turn around to crap, throw up, crap... all the way to Denver, and I mean non stop action the whole time. I answered a couple of knocks on the door to see if I was okay with a muffled "umph". When we landed, I could barely stand up. They had to take me out in a wheel chair with an oxygen mask. Needless to say, my parents (who had arrived about 1/2 hour earlier from Boston) were there waiting for me. Went to the airport hospital, threw up some more, got an IV (after one vain collapsed) with some pain medication and was taken out the basement of the hospital. Only thing I remember from the doctor to the car was looking up and seeing the luggage conveyor belts whipping luggage around. Spent the night in a hotel where I proceeded to soil the bed in my sleep and ended up sleeping in the bathtub. Went to the hospital the next day, took the day off after that, and finally went skiing!
Now that was a memorable vacation!
Now that was a memorable vacation!
woodman19_99
New Member
Yeah, I haven't eaten at a BK since. Regretably, it has done nothing to hinder me away from McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts...
